Delicate
by A Whisper Of Grace
Summary: Bella's had a hard life, and is having trouble being truly happy again. When her best friend's cousin Edward comes to Forks, will he be able to make her find happiness again? And what will that mean for their partners? All Human, inspired by Damien Rice
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I've been reading a lot of all-human Twilight fanfiction lately, and for some reason I've found I really love it (favourite: "Welcome to the Drama Academy", it's amazing). After reading "Passion Fish", I was listening to my new Damien Rice album, and the song "Accidental Babies" had me thinking. And this is what I came up with.**

**The title is from Damien Rice, too. I didn't want to use the title Accidental Babies, since that wouldn't be an accurate description, but in the song it makes reference to another of his songs, Delicate, which is about the same thing, if not as sad. Also for inspiration: 9 Crimes.**

**I know it's not original, and I almost groan every time I see Jacob as Bella's alternative and Tanya as Edwards, but Jacob's character in Twilight fits so well with what I'm going to do with this. He'd never hurt her and he loves her, and that's who he is in here.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns this. I am not Stephenie Meyer. 'Nuff said.**

**Chapter One: A New Home**

BPOV

I worked best in the mornings if I gave myself the time to wake up slowly, so that was exactly what I was doing. For some reason I was more alert during the day and I felt less tired, but it also had the added bonus of forcing me to think of things honestly. I was awake enough for the realities of my life to be apparent to me, but still asleep enough that I couldn't lie to myself about them. The first hour in the morning was sometimes that hardest for me, but it was something I needed.

Several things occurred to me slowly over the first few minutes of my musing. The first was that the bed that I lay in was a lot more comfortable than I was used to. The following conclusion that sprung to my mind was that, _oh, right,_ I wasn't waking up at my own house, in my own room.

Well, this room was mine, now. As of yesterday.

The second thought, which was inspired by the first one, was that I was alone in the bed. That wasn't something uncommon, but it was slightly unusual. I reached out clumsily to be sure, letting my arm sweep across the other side of the bed without opening my eyes. What time was it if he was up already?

Through the haze of my partially asleep state, I noticed the quiet tinkling of water coming from the bathroom. Right, he was in the shower. Not too late, then? Or had he slept in, too? Not that it was a problem, since he worked from home in the mornings, going into his office only in the afternoon.

The buzzing vibration of my mobile on the bedside table interrupted my thoughts, and I let it ring a few times before I answered it. 'Hello?'

'Morning Bella! Hope I didn't wake you up.'

'No, I was just about to get up,' I half-lied.

Alice had been my best friend since high school. We'd shared a flat together since then until yesterday. She'd said that she was disappointed that I was moving out and leaving her alone, but I knew that she was trying to dig up the nerve to ask her boyfriend Jasper to move in with her now she had the flat to herself.

Alice was most definitely a morning person. In fact, she was an all-the-time person.

'Well since you're getting up now we're going out for lunch. I've already called Rose, so you have no say in the matter.'

Rolling onto my back, I rolled my eyes. 'Right. Let's forget about the fact that this is the first morning at Jacob's place.'

'Bella, you've had heaps of mornings at Jacob's place. This is hardly the first.'

She had a point. 'Well it's the first proper morning!' It was a token argument; I knew better than to try and seriously change Alice's mind about something.

After she gave me the name of the place we were meeting at and the time we were to meet, we hung up and I forced myself out of bed. Since it was only half an hour until I was going to meet Alice and Rosalie for lunch I poured myself a glass of orange juice despite the protests my stomach made. As I was rinsing the glass out and placing it in the dishwasher I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around my stomach.

'Morning,' Jacob murmured against my shoulder. 'Just,' he added, chuckling. 'I thought you were never going to wake up.'

Turning to face him, I kissed him quickly. 'Not all of us have cushy jobs where we sit in a suit behind a desk,' I pointed out. My job kept me up until two every night, and those were the good nights. I found it extremely hard to get to sleep after working a long shift, so sometimes it was almost dawn before I was properly asleep. I thought it was only fair that I had the chance to sleep in a little. 'I'm meeting Alice and Rose for lunch,' I told him, grimacing in apology. 'She wouldn't let me say no.'

Instead of being upset he smiled down at me and kissed me again. 'That's okay. We'll get lunch tomorrow. I have a fair bit of work to get done before I go into the office today, anyway.'

Now that the bathroom was free I grabbed some clothes out of the box that I hadn't unpacked yet and quickly got changed. After brushing my teeth and my hair I threw my phone, purse and keys into a handbag and kissed Jacob goodbye. 'I'll see you tonight if you're still awake when I get home,' I said.

'I'll be up,' he promised.

The place we were going to was only a few streets away and it was an unnaturally nice day in Forks, so I decided to walk it. Walking was another past time of mine that forced me to think, but now, with my mind awake and alert, I could be selective in what I chose to admit to myself.

I was almost sweating by the time I got to the restaurant, and I was glad I had chosen to wear a light tank top. I briefly regretted my inability to wear shorts, but immediately pushed the thought from my mind. It didn't matter; I didn't need shorts, I told myself. It wasn't that hot.

Alice and Rosalie were already there and seated when I got there, so I made my way over to join them. After ordering drinks I looked down at my menu. 'So Alice, how's home without me?' I asked.

The only reply I got was a snickering from Rosalie, so I looked up at them, curious. 'What? Did Jasper move in already?'

Alice's usually bubbly demeanour was replaced with a scowl. 'I haven't even asked him yet, but there's no point now anyway. Shut up Rose!' she snapped, cutting off Rosalie's open laughter.

I half-smiled, unsure and curious. 'How do you know he can't move in if you haven't asked him yet?'

The look on Alice's face started Rosalie up again, and I had to fight not to laugh myself, even though I still didn't know what the trouble was. Alice crossed her arms over her chest angrily and her scowl deepened. 'Carlisle, my cousin's husband, got a job at the hospital here in Forks, so he and Esme had to move at late-notice. They don't have a place so they asked if they can stay with me until they do. My other cousin Edward's coming too, to help them find a house.'

I laughed. 'So let me get this right. Just as I move out and make an opening for Jasper, you have your two cousins and Esme's husband come to stay for who knows how long?' It was classic.

We ordered our meals and ate slowly, talking. It had been Rosalie who had introduced us to Jasper, her twin brother, in a hilarious effort to set them up. In a bizarre twist Alice had noticed her older brother Emmett with his eyes on Rosalie, and had decided to do the same thing. Oblivious to the other friend's plans, they had observed the other couple proudly while falling hopelessly in love with the two men who were now their boyfriends.

Since then the five of us had become strong friends, almost as close as siblings. Jacob had fit in easily with the other four, but there was a distance between them that I was sure he was oblivious to. He'd come along a few years after the rest of them, so there were of course things that they knew about me that he didn't. That was normal in any relationship, but it was the extent of what he didn't know that was the cause of the barrier. There were things I couldn't tell him that my friends knew.

There were perfectly good reasons why I couldn't be as close to Jacob as he wanted us to be. As close as I wanted us to be. My friends knew all my reasons, but it wasn't something we ever spoke of. And Jacob would never know. What would he think of me if he did?

'Who's up for dessert?' Rosalie asked once we were done. 'My shout!'

Halfway through our chocolate sundaes I looked up to see Rosalie looking at me cautiously. Seeing that I had noticed her, she cleared her throat awkwardly, glanced at Alice and then back at me. 'Bella, I was just wondering… Well, _we_ were both wondering how things with Jacob were going.'

Oh.

'We're fine,' I told her. 'We're having lunch tomorrow before he has to go into work.'

The two of them exchanged a look.

'Rose and I were thinking that maybe now that you've moved in with Jacob, that you've thought about talking to him about everything,' Alice said slowly.

'Jacob and I talk about everything that is important in my life right now,' I said, careful of my phrasing and knowing that they would catch it.

Rosalie let out an angry sigh. 'Bella, I know you're still upset about what happened, and you have every right to be. And you have every right to want to take it slow with Jacob because of it. But do you really think you should be living with him if you can't trust him?'

I stared at her blankly, unable to reply. We hadn't openly talked about it in over a year, although I had become used to them asking me without really _asking _me. Alice reached out immediately and grabbed my arm. 'Bella, what really matters is whether you love him,' she said quickly. 'If you do I know you'll have the courage to tell him eventually. And you do love him, yes?'

Nodding silently, I pulled my arm from her grasp. 'He doesn't know it, but he's the reason I'm still here.' My voice broke at the end and I felt two pairs of arms around me.

'We love you, Bella,' Rosalie said quietly against my shoulder.

'Never forget that,' Alice added.

The girls both offered to drop me off on the way home, but I told them that I needed the exercise to work off the food I'd just eaten. But truly I needed the time to think.

Jacob knew that my parents were dead, that they had been murdered, but that was all. He didn't know about what happened to me when our house was attacked. He didn't know about Amy. Jacob had come into my life around the time that we had stopped talking about it.

I knew that more than anything, I needed Jacob by my side. He'd kept me strong enough to hold onto life in the past year. And so I knew before really considering it that I couldn't tell him anything, in case it turned him away.

Because I wasn't the sweet little innocent girl that Jacob thought I was. The only thing I could say in my defence was that none of it was my fault, but that didn't change the facts.

I couldn't tell Jacob about the scars on my thighs, some new and some old.

I couldn't tell Jacob about the medication that I didn't take for my depression.

And I couldn't tell Jacob, ever, about my daughter.

* * *

EPOV

After saying goodbye to Esme I hung up the phone and sat on the couch in my apartment, staring at it. I knew who I had to call, I knew what I had to say. I didn't know how to say it, or how she'd react. Tanya was unpredictable, and that was why I was about to do this.

I dialled the familiar number and held the phone to my ear, listening to the ringing as I waited for her to pick up the phone.

Tanya answered after the fifth ring, her voice breathless. 'Hello?'

'Hey, Tanya.'

'Oh Edward! Sorry I took so long to answer, I was just getting out the shower…' She paused, and I wondered if she thought that inappropriate considering what she knew I was calling for.

I suppressed a sigh. The only way to go about this was to go straight to the point, and I knew she wouldn't be happy. 'I've considered what we talked about yesterday,' I told her. Now I hesitated, and the only sound I could hear was her soft breathing on her end of the line.

'I don't think we're ready. It's too big of a commitment for where we are right now.'

She was silent for a few more seconds. 'What do you mean, "for where we are right now"?'

'I mean, we've only been together for a year. We don't live together. If we haven't even discussed things like this then how do you think we're ready to have a baby?'

'Easy,' she said, and her voice was cheerful. 'Let's move in together. We can sell my apartment and live in yours.'

I sighed again and leaned back on my couch, running my hands through my hair before I realised I was doing it. 'Tanya, we're not ready to have a kid.'

When she spoke again her voice shook. 'Edward, you know how much I want children. You know my history.'

I did, but part of me thought that it was a ruse to make me get her pregnant quicker. All of the women in her family had a low fertility rate, and she was terrified of waiting too long and not being able to have children. She was only twenty one, but she was a worrier.

'I do,' I told her. 'So I'm willing to think about it some more. Tanya, I think we need some… space, to figure out if this is really what we want.'

'Edward, I _know_ this is what I want.'

'Yes, but do you really want this with me? And do I really want this with you? That's what I mean.'

I realised only after I'd said it how the words would have sounded to her. Her sharp little intake of breath didn't surprise me. 'You don't want to be with me anymore?'

'I didn't mean that. I love you, but bringing a child into the world is a different matter. I just want to be sure, okay? Esme and Carlisle are moving to Washington, and I'm going to go with them to help them find a house. I just spoke to Esme, we're staying at my cousin's house. I'll be gone for maybe a month. We'll talk about it then. Is that okay?'

'A month,' she whispered. 'It's too long. I'll miss you.'

'I'll miss you too, Tanya, but I need this time. And I want you to be sure, too. Please just let me do this.'

Reluctantly she agreed, and after a quick goodbye I hung up the phone. Placing it on its stand, I got up to make a cup of coffee.

A baby. I knew I wasn't ready to have children yet, especially not with Tanya. It wasn't that I didn't love her, but she was so inconsistent that I had never bothered with hoping too much for a future with her. The was a lovely girl, but I knew she was extremely whimsical, and there was every chance that one day she'd just wake up and decide she didn't love me anymore. I was strong enough for that, but I didn't want a child to be the recipient of something like that. What if, halfway through her pregnancy she decided she didn't want to be a mother right now? What if she decided she didn't want me? What would happen to the child then?

I wanted her to live this month without me so that she could see what it was _like_, living without me. And I wanted to see life without her. I did love her, I didn't doubt that, but I didn't know if I loved her enough for something this big.

A child. Hmm.

Taking my coffee with me, I went into my bedroom, pulled out my suitcase, and began to pack.

**AN: I'm still going to be writing "Sweetest Sunrise", but I'm lacking inspiration. It's not getting much feedback, so I'll see how this goes.**

**Hope this is okay. Not much is happening yet but I can promise that it's going to be an emotional roller coaster for our favourite characters. If you like it please, please, please review or I won't know and I might not keep writing.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: My computer at home sucks and for some reason won't let me update my stories, so while I was waiting for the chance to get to the library to post chapter one I wrote this. If you like it then review or I'll think it sucks, and if I think it sucks then I won't update.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I just mess the characters up a bit.**

**Chapter Two: First Sight**

BPOV

The next day Jacob took me out to lunch at the place where we'd had our first date. 'To celebrate moving in together,' he told me, grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't help but smile back; he looked so cute when he was happy, and I was nothing but grateful toward him. I knew it was harsh, keeping such big secrets from him. He had no idea how much of a help he'd been to me, how much I'd been leaning on him this past year. He had taken my moods in stride and said nothing.

I knew I was horrible. I was a horrible girlfriend. But he seemed happy when he was with me, I consoled myself. He smiled and laughed a lot, and he made me laugh. He told me he loved me and I believed him. I told him I loved him and hoped he believed me.

After lunch Jacob dropped me at Alice's apartment before driving himself to work. Alice's apartment… it felt weird thinking of it like that. Just two days ago, this was my home. Now it's Alice's apartment.

She was, at least, in a better mood than yesterday. 'What time are your cousins getting here?' I asked as I sprawled comfortably on my old couch.

'Just before eight.' Alice's face lit up. 'I know! We can go to the Nine's when they get here! We'll come and see you! I'm sure they'll want to.'

'Yeah, if you want.' The Nine's was the bar that I worked in on Monday to Thursday nights. 'What are we gonna do now, though?'

She jumped up immediately. 'We're going food shopping. I need to stock up since I'm having three people staying here for who knows how long. Edward called me and told me he'll be staying here for at least a month, something about needing time away from his girlfriend.'

At the shops we wandered down every isle. I pushed the trolley while Alice sprang around throwing bits and pieces in. 'Don't you think you're going a bit all out,' I said at the checkout, remembering our previous shopping trips. She was buying almost doubt the amount of food for an extra person.

'I just want them to feel welcome,' she said, happily swiping her credit card.

I looked at her curiously. 'Alice, if you make them feel welcome they'll want to stay longer. Don't you want the house to yourself?'

She paused halfway through signing her name on the slip of paper. 'Oh.' After a moment she straightened and replaced her card in her purse. 'Oh, well. There's always Jasper's house.'

I'd never understand her, I swear.

After going back to Alice's apartment to put the shopping away we went to the airport. 'So how long have Esme and Carlisle been married for now?' I asked. I remembered Esme from times when she had visited when Alice and I had been younger. She'd been visiting when _it_ had happened.

'Almost two years,' she said as we found seats in the arrivals area. Then she grinned. 'Do you remember when she first met him? She fell head over heals immediately.'

'And she didn't think she was good enough for him since he was a doctor,' I remembered.

'Yeah, right. What an insane notion! Good thing Edward convinced her otherwise. They're trying for a baby, now. Esme always wanted a family.'

We talked about nothing much while we waited for the flight to come in. When the flight number started to flash on the little screen, signalling that it had landed, Alice started bouncing on her seat in excitement. I laughed at her. 'I'm going to remind you of this when you start complaining that you want them gone,' I warned her, grinning. She stuck her tongue out at me.

Ten more minutes later Alice squealed and jumped to her feet. 'There they are! Edward! Esme!' Obviously hearing their names being called, Alice's cousins looked around and noticed the tiny woman jumping all over the place and began to make their way over. As they approached I quickly looked each of them over. Esme was the only one I'd met before. In description she would sound pretty average: brown hair, brown eyes, medium height and build, but she was very pretty in a quiet way. She also happened to be one of the kindest people I'd ever met. The blonde man whose hand she held must have been Carlisle. He was tall, with blonde hair and an easy smile. He walked with purpose, with authority, like he knew who he was and what he was doing. Like a doctor.

The man on the other side of Esme was Edward. I was startled slightly by his hair: it was a bizarre bronze shade and messy like he'd run his hand through it. I briefly noticed his high cheekbones and strong jaw before I was drawn into his eyes, deep green orbs that I noticed from across this crowded room. I'd bet he could make hearts jump, I thought to myself.

Alice ran forward when they were a few feet away and practically pounced on Esme with another squeal. They hugged each other tightly, leaving me and the two men to look at each other awkwardly. 'Hi,' I said hesitantly.

'Hello,' Carlisle said. 'My name's Carlisle.' He extended his hand toward me.

'Wait!' Alice screamed before I could shake his hand. The three of us turned to see her glaring at us. 'I'm supposed to do that,' she pointed out. 'Bella, this is Carlisle and Edward. Carlisle and Edward, meet Bella. _Now_ you can shake.' She beamed at us.

I rolled my eyes and accepted Carlisle's hand. 'It's nice to meet you, Bella. Esme's told me a lot about you.'

Just what has she said, though? That's what mattered, not how much was said. I just smiled back, trying to make him feel welcome but trying to decipher his tone.

I turned to Edward to distract myself, and he smiled down at me. 'Hello, Bella.' His handshake was firm but gentle, his hand comfortably warm.

'Hi,' I said to him, then continued to Carlisle as well. 'Welcome to Forks, I guess.'

We went with them to get their luggage and then led them back to the car. After the men squashed the suitcases into the boot Alice jumped in the front seat. 'Esme, sit in the front with me so we can talk!'

That would mean… I glanced between the two guys and felt my chest tighten. They'd sit me in the middle, since they both looked too big to fit otherwise. No. 'Alice,' I said quietly, trying to keep my breathing steady enough to seem normal. She looked up at me obliviously. 'Can I sit in the front with you?'

Alice frowned, still unaware of the storm crashing around me. 'Why? What's the big deal?'

I felt my eyes widen and I gasped for breath. It felt like walls were closing in around me, but a part of me knew that there weren't even any walls close by. 'Just please, Alice.'

'I'll sit in the back with you,' Esme suggested quickly. 'I'll sit in the middle and Edward can sit in the front seat. You've seen me more recently than Edward,' she pointed out to Alice, 'you two need to catch up more.'

Esme slipped into the backseat and slid over so that she was sitting in the middle. I still hesitated, uncertain, but she looked out at me with calm and kindness and I reluctantly slid in beside her. Her arm went around my shoulders cautiously once my seatbelt was done up, but once she saw that I wouldn't shy away from her she tightened it around me. I kept my eyes on my knees, unable to bear the curious looks that I knew would be present on Carlisle and Edward's faces.

I wasn't nearly as scared anymore. I was ashamed. Ashamed that the idea of sitting between two men who were my best friend's trusted relatives had terrified me so much still. But the thought of having them so close, on being effectively trapped between two strangers had scared me. I was still wary of Carlisle, even with Esme sitting between us. I leaned into her, welcoming her warmth. It was very comforting. This was what I remembered most about Esme. She had been in Forks when my parents had been killed, and when I had become pregnant. She'd been there for me – she understood.

I stayed silent throughout the entire drive home. Alice and Esme made up most of the conversation. I wondered if Alice still had no clue about what had happened back in the airport car park. Esme chatted happily, keeping up a steady conversation. When Alice pulled up in front of Jacob's apartment – my apartment – I murmured a quick goodbye and fled the car.

* * *

EPOV

The atmosphere in the drive from the airport was one of the most tense that I'd ever experienced. Before we had gotten into the car I had exchanged a heavy glance with Carlisle, but he shrugged, signalling that he had no clue about what had just happened either. Esme's face showed concern and worry, but gave nothing else away as she wrapped her arm protectively around Bella's shoulders. I knew that they had been close when Esme had gone to visit Alice with our mother, but I didn't know about anything happening that would result in that reaction from anyone.

There had to be something. Adult women didn't damn near break down when faced with the prospect of sitting between two men.

After Alice dropped Bella off at her home, I turned to stare at Esme as Alice pulled away from the curb. 'What just happened?'

Esme seemed to think over her words carefully. 'Bella's had a bit of a hard life. Please don't ask her about it, or us. Just try not to get too close to her. Give her plenty of space.'

Alice jumped slightly and let out a small cry. 'Oh, God! Shit! I didn't think, Esme… Oh, poor Bella…'

'She'll be fine,' Esme stated. 'We'll have a chat about her when we get to your place.'

I frowned as I stared out of the windscreen. Obviously it was something serious, if Esme didn't want to talk about it in front of Carlisle or me. Usually she didn't go to an effort to hide anything from us. I thought back again to the pure terror on Bella's face when she realised the suggested seating arrangements. In that moment all I had wanted to do was take that fear away, but I couldn't if I didn't know what had caused it.

Once we were out of the car I pulled Esme aside. 'Will you tell me what's wrong with Bella?' I asked.

She shook her head. 'No, Edward. If the two of you become friends and she wants to tell you then it's her business. If I didn't tell you at first, I'm not telling you now.'

As the two girls went into Alice's bedroom to talk, Carlisle switched on the TV and flicked uninterestedly through the channels. 'Do you think it's bad?' he asked quietly after a few moments, obviously not wanting to be overheard by his wife.

I liked Carlisle. He was a good man, a great man. He had the same cool, calm nature as Esme, and they suited each other well. I'd never seen my sister as happy as I had while with Carlisle, and if I hadn't found the man extremely likable then that would have been enough for me anyway. He was mature and responsible, like anyone would have to be to be such a successful doctor so young, but he also knew how to have fun. It was a good combination, and I respected him for who he was and how he treated Esme.

Sighing, I leaned back on the couch. 'It'd have to be, wouldn't it? The way she looked at us…' I shuddered as I remembered it yet again.

Carlisle let out what was almost a small groan. 'I can't stand seeing people in pain, let alone someone who Esme thinks so highly of. If I didn't know better I would have said she was another cousin, or even a sister, from the way Esme talks about her. And to know we must have been the reason for it!'

'Do you think –'

'Let's try not to think about it,' Carlisle said, interrupting me. 'It'll be easier for us to feel comfortable around each other if we're not constantly speculating about what could have happened to cause such a reaction. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.'

I nodded slowly. 'Whatever it was, I feel sorry for her. It can't have been anything good.' I followed Carlisle's advice and tried not to think of specifics. 'I guess I'd better call Tanya to tell her I got here,' I said reluctantly.

'Tell her Esme and I say hello,' Carlisle said as I walked out into the hallway to have some privacy to spare Carlisle if Tanya wasn't happy about something.

The phone call was over quickly, since I didn't have much to tell her and she wasn't being very talkative. I told her I probably wouldn't call her for a few days, and she agreed quietly without asking for my reasoning. I think she may have gotten the point of my trip away and she didn't want to push me.

When I walked back into Alice's apartment the two girls were sitting on the couch with Carlisle. Esme was telling Alice about Tanya, and the current situation. Alice looked at me curiously, and I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. 'I'm not ready for a child,' I told her, feeling like a broken record.

'Then why don't you just tell her that?' she asked. 'And if she's so desperate she'll find someone new.'

'Did you think that maybe I don't want her to leave me?' I asked her, half teasing. 'I'm just not ready for a kid yet. What would you do if your Jasper wanted kids now? But picture Jasper as moody and impulsive.'

Alice sighed. 'I guess you're right. Oh well, we'll have other babies with us soon enough!' she said, beaming at Esme and Carlisle.

'Hopefully,' Esme said, grinning back. If there were any two people ready to be parents, it was these two.

**AN: I was wondering what you guys thought about who I write better, Edward or Bella? This is primarily Bella's story so most of it'll probably be from her, but the multi POV thing just provides so much more insight and makes it easier to write. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Ok, not the best response so far but I like this too much to stop writing so I figured I might as well keep posting it.**

**The first line is a quote I remembered from an old Supernatural episode, which I used to watch. I've always wanted to find a way to use it, so yeah.**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight. Edward owns me.**

**Chapter Three: Bleeding Beauty**

BPOV

_Slit your wrists and reveal your secrets._

When I was alone in my apartment, I had no secrets from myself. When I was sleeping, when I was walking, I could keep things from myself. But when I was naked and holding a sharp blade to my thigh, I was as open to myself as I would ever be.

Usually my alone time was in the afternoon while Alice was still at work, and I was glad that this hadn't changed when I'd moved into Jacob's apartment. I found Jacob's bathroom very similar to mine and quickly filled the tub with hot water. I grabbed the small knife from my room and slipped into the bath.

The first time I had done this, I had wanted to kill myself. It was Alice who had found me and taken me to the hospital. The next few times had been the same. But after a month the proof of my pregnancy had become apparent to me, and I couldn't bring myself to harm my child, despite the manner of conception. I wanted with everything I was to not have to live anymore, to not have to suffer, but I couldn't kill an innocent child, no matter what it did to me.

After Amy had been born I was free again to rid myself of this world, but I didn't have the heart in me anymore. After all those months of being unable to, and having Alice and Rosalie so supportive of me, I couldn't bring myself to empty the lifeblood from my veins. Besides, what if one day she wanted to know me and I wasn't here for her?

I had tried again, though, and found that although I couldn't take my life, the light-headedness that came with the blood loss was euphoric and addictive. The look of the blood pooling around me was terrifying, however, so I used the bathtub so I couldn't really see it, and also for the convenience of having less to clean up afterward.

I ran the blade softly over my thigh, then harder, watching as a soft pink haze stained the bathwater. The thigh was the best place: I only had to make sure to wear pants all the time, but if I'd cut my wrists it would have been too noticeable.

Leaning my head back on the edge of the tub, I breathed in deeply, trying to prolong the feeling of faintness that came with the bleeding. As I did, I let my thoughts wander.

Amy, my beautiful daughter. I knew she'd be beautiful, because how could she not be? Beautiful Amy. Where was she now? What was she doing? She'd be two years old now.

Jacob. I loved him, and I was so grateful for everything he had done for me. It had been him that had kept me from going all the way in my false attempts to take my life. He was my best friend, and I could easily say I wouldn't be here without him.

We hadn't sleep together. I had been apprehensive about moving in with him, concerned about what it might mean for us. But I wasn't strong enough for that yet, not after Amy. The thought of a man touching me, of coming too close. Sometimes when we slept I woke up in a panic and rushed from the bed, unable to sleep in his arms. When he found me on the couch in the morning he said nothing, but I knew he wondered. Alice and Rosalie were constantly subtly imploring me to tell him the truth, tell him everything.

My thoughts on Jacob turned to reflect on what had happened this afternoon. I had heard enough from Alice to know that Carlisle and Edward were nice men, but I couldn't stop the panic that swelled up and overtook me. I was immeasurably grateful of Esme in that moment, for understanding my need and supplying me with another option.

After about half an hour I got out of the bath and hopped in the shower, leaning against the tiled wall for support as I washed the pink water off me. Once I was clean I got out and, wrapping a towel around myself, I quickly rinsed the bath clean. Making sure there were no telltale signs about my activities – Jacob wasn't as observant as Alice but who knows what he might see – I went back to the bedroom, laying on the bed to try and recover my strength.

I glanced over at the alarm clock on the bedside table. 4:30. I had half an hour to get ready and be at work. Going with Alice to pick her family up from the airport wouldn't have delayed me under normal circumstances, but she didn't know about the things I still did. Usually after my "alone time" I slowly dressed and ate an early dinner before going to work, but I didn't have time for that today since it was a ten minute walk to work. I dressed quickly in my usual work clothes, black slacks and a black top. Eric, the pub owner, implored us to wear tight clothes to encourage the customers, and I did my best, but he knew me well enough to know I wasn't comfortable with that, so he usually let it slide with me as long as I made myself look nice. I smothered my face with foundation to hide me complexion, which was even paler than normal.

Without the time to recover before my walk to work, I was exhausted by the time that I walked in the back door of the Nine's. My closest friend from work, Angela, was in the staff room when I walked in to drop off my bag. 'Hey,' she said happily, but the smile faded into a frown. 'Are you okay?'

I had known better than to not expect for Angela to notice something was wrong. 'I'm fine,' I said, my customary response. I knew she wouldn't push it; she'd let me talk if and when I was ready. 'How are you and Ben doing?' I asked her, trying to distract her from me.

She talked about her growing relationship with her partner. I ohhed and ahhed in all the right places, satisfying her that I was paying complete attention. Really, I was concentrating on my breathing, trying to steady the dizzy feeling that was making it hard to focus.

I had stopped paying attention to her for the last few minutes, so I didn't notice when she appeared in front of me. 'Are you sure you're all right?' she asked, concern plain on her features.

I nodded slowly. 'I'm just missing sleep,' I said faintly. I got to my feet and immediately fell down again. 'Oh, God.'

'Bella, you need to go home.'

I shook my head in what I mean to be a vehement gesture, but I knew that it came across as weak. 'I can't go home.' I couldn't face Jacob like this. 'Just give me a few minutes. I'll be out soon.'

She looked at me anxiously for a few minutes and then left the staff room. My head fell into my hands and I waited a while until the world appeared fully upright. When I got up and saw that the world wasn't spinning I walked out to the front bar where Eric was polishing glasses. 'Hey Bells. How's it going?'

I faked a smile up at him. 'I'm fine. Been busy so far?'

'Nah. We'll be in for a quiet night tonight, I'm thinking.'

It was a quiet night. In the first three hours of my shift there were only a few customers, so I had way too much time with my thoughts. I tried to push them away, but tonight it just wasn't happening. A little after eight I was talking to Angela at the bar and saw her grin while looking over my shoulder. 'Alice!' she called, and I turned around to see her bouncing up to me.

When Alice reached me the smile on her face faltered a little. 'I'm sorry about earlier, at the airport,' she said quietly. 'I wasn't thinking. I'm glad Esme was there for you when I wasn't.'

I smiled back and reached across the bar to hug her. 'It's okay. I don't blame you.'

'It's just that you've been a lot better lately, and since you've moved in with Jacob it didn't occur to me…'

'It's okay!' I pulled away and grinned at her.

'So what are you guys doing here?' Angela asked.

You guys? I looked behind her for the first time and saw Esme, Carlisle and Edward standing tentatively behind Amanda. I sighed and looked away when my eyes landed on the men.

'My cousins are visiting for a while,' Alice explained to Angela. 'I thought I'd show them the sights.'

Angela raised her eyebrows. 'And you bring them to the Nine's?'

Alice grinned. 'What better place to start, huh?'

I handed them a beer each. I headed down the bar to serve another customer, and frowned when I saw Carlisle had followed me. He smiled tentatively at me, somehow appearing to be confident and unsure at the same time. He cleared his throat before speaking softly, perhaps so the others wouldn't hear us. 'Edward and I wanted to apologise for earlier. We were worried about you. But we wanted to make it clear that you don't have to explain anything to us.'

I smiled up at him gratefully, a genuine smile. 'Thankyou,' I told him.

His smile became firmer. 'Can we have another two beers? Your friend Rosalie just turned up.'

Looking over, I saw Rosalie and her boyfriend, Emmett, standing with the others. I smiled and waved and took two more glasses out, filling them with beer. As I turned around to head back over to my friends Angela bumped into me hard enough that the ground quickly rushed up to meet me. As I landed on the floor the two glasses smashed, the glass cutting my hands and the beer splashing all over me.

I lay on the floor, drenched in beer and covered with broken glass, unable to get up. I closed my eyes to stop the spinning world from making me sick, but it only helped a little. I felt Angela's hands grasping my shoulders and turning me around so that she could see my face. 'Bella? Bella! God, are you okay?'

I didn't respond, putting all my effort into not throwing up. The swell of alarmed voices around me was distracting. 'Get her into the staff room,' I heard Angela say, and a moment later I felt myself leave the ground, with two strong arms around me.

I cried out and struggled, trying to get out of his grasp. 'No, no, no,' I whimpered, needing to be free from this man's arms. He held me firmly to him despite my struggles.

'Alice!' I screamed, knowing that she'd come to my rescue this time. A moment later I felt her tiny hands grasping at my arm.

'Edward, let her go.'

'I'm trying to help her, Alice.' Even in my panicked haze I could hear the bewilderment and frustration in his voice.

'You don't understand,' Alice screeched, pulling at his arms now as I began to scream, thrashing against his grip. 'Just let her go!'

Very quickly, I found myself on my feet again, and I stumbled into Alice's arms, unable to hold myself up. I felt another pair of small hands on my back; Angela was helping Amanda to support me. 'It's okay,' Alice whispered to me as I felt them leading me away from the bar. 'We've got you, you're safe.'

When I was sitting down in the staff room I wrapped my arms around myself and began to sob. Angela's arms went around me tightly. 'Are you okay?' Alice asked, pulling my arms away from my body. 'How are your hands? Are you cut anywhere?'

My hands were cut in several places, along with a rather sharp gash on my wrist, which was probably the reason why I had trouble standing myself. To a normal person, falling and cutting your hands wouldn't be a big deal, but I knew I had drained myself too much today without giving myself time to recover.

Alice cleaned my hands and bandaged my wrist. 'I'm going to talk to the others, Bella,' she said once she was done, backing away from me slowly. 'You'll be all right here with Angela?'

I nodded, unwilling to find words. When she was gone Angela tightened her arm around me. 'Are you sure you're fine?' she asked, worry seeping into her voice. 'This is a pretty big reaction from me bumping you over. I'm so sorry.'

I leant my head against her shoulder in what I hoped was a comforting gesture. 'I'll be okay,' I told her. 'I just need some time to recover.'

Just then Eric slipped into the staff room. 'Your friend told me what happened,' he said, coming over to me and kneeling before me. 'Are you okay?'

I tried not to roll my eyes at having to answer the same question again. 'I think you should go home, Bella,' he said to me seriously once I finished explaining to him what had happened.

I shook my head. 'I can't. I need the money for the shift.'

Eric sighed in frustration. 'I'll pay you for the rest of the night. Don't worry about work, Bella. Just go home.'

The tone in his voice invited no negotiation, so I let Angela help me to my feet and lead me back to the bar. Alice, Esme and Rosalie immediately surrounded me, blocking my view of the guys. I accepted their hugs and then pulled away so that I could see the others.

Carlisle and Emmett stood on either side of Edward, one with his hand on his shoulder and the other with his hand on his back. The three of them weren't looking our way, so they didn't notice me watching them. Edward ran a hand through his hair and left it there, scrunching it as if he wanted to pull his hair out. Emmett noticed me and muttered something to the other two, who both looked up at me. Edward's hand fell from his hair as he opened his eyes, and as I met them I saw the confusion that was barely concealed there.

He moved as if to take a step toward me, but I saw Carlisle's lips move and Edward stopped, covering his eyes with his hand. The moment the contact was broken I turned back to the others. 'Please take me home,' I whispered to Alice, who immediately complied.

In the car on the way back to my new apartment I couldn't erase the feeling of Edward's arms around me. That's what had caused the reaction in me: the fall and cuts were no excuse for frantic, screaming Bella. I thought back to how many people were at the pub to witness my frenzied attempt at flight, but couldn't think clearly enough to recall. Edward… I knew that if he wanted, he could take anything he desired from me. I was probably half his size and weight, and he looked strong enough to restrain five of me. When Alice had first mentioned that her cousins were coming to visit I had looked forward to meeting some new people, making some new friends. But there was no way that could ever happen now. With my constantly fearful reactions to Edward and Carlisle, how would they want to be around me?

Alice walked me up to my apartment and came in with me. Jacob was more than surprised to see me home early, but I let Alice explain as I went to the bedroom to get changed intro my pyjamas. Not long after I heard Alice yell goodbye the bedroom door opened quietly, admitting a stream of yellow light into the room. 'Bella? Are you okay?'

I tried to feign sleep, but my sadness overpowered me and as I began to sob I welcomed his arms around me. _Why was it so different around Jacob?_ I didn't want to be broken anymore, but somehow Jacob had stopped fixing me. Would I always be this half-healed mess?

**AN: I will update when you review. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: This is the story of my past week:**

**Finish writing this chapter early. I can't upload it at home because when I click "List Stories" nothing comes up, so I've been uploading at school. That's worked fine for me for ages, until suddenly the school decides to block this site. I can't use the public computers in the school library cause I'm a student there, so I had to go to another library about ten minutes away, and I've only just got paid so I could only just buy petrol.**

**So because of the wait I'm posting two chapters today and I've already almost finished another. We're getting wireless internet at home so I'll be able to use it on my laptop, and hopefully I'll be able to update there, which will be so much easier.**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight. Edward owns me.**

**Chapter Four: Explanations**

BPOV

Once again I was awoken from my sleep by a phone ringing. I tried to ignore it, and miraculously, it stopped. I snuggled back into my pillow to fully sink back into sleep but my plan was foiled when I felt a warm hand shake my shoulder gently. 'Bella? Are you awake?'

I groaned loudly and tried to shake him off.

The hand remained on me, however. 'Are you awake for Alice?' he asked, and even in my daze I heard the smile in his voice.

I groaned again, but this time I rolled over and held my hand out for the phone. There was no way I'd get back to sleep now.

'What?' I asked grumpily.

Alice's tinkling laugh on the phone and Jacob's loud snort beside me mingled.

'Hello to you too,' Alice said happily.

I didn't say anything, waiting for her to speak. After a moment she sighed, and when she went to speak she sounded hesitant. 'I'm calling for Edward and Carlisle. They want to see you.'

'No.' I sat up straight and turned my back on Jacob, not wanting him to see the expression on my face.

'Bella, please,' she begged. 'They both feel so bad, especially Edward. They don't understand, but they want to make it up to you. I know it's just a lot of unfortunate coincidences, but they told me not to pressure you. Esme's worried, too, that you don't like Carlisle –'

'She knows, though!'

'She does, but you know how she worries. She wants you to be happy, and so do I. I know what happened still hurts you, but you know that neither of them will do anything to hurt you.'

I sighed, resigned to the fact that when it came down to it, I'd never really had a choice.

EPOV

I felt myself relax when Alice looked over at me and nodded, grinning almost from ear to ear. Carlisle had stepped into the shower so I had taken advantage of his absence to bug Alice into calling Bella now, instead of later. I felt horrified at myself for causing such a reaction in Alice's best friend so soon after meeting her. Carlisle felt the same, but he hadn't been the one holding her, trying to _help_ her, while she was screaming and doing anything to get away from him.

When Alice snapped her phone shut I jumped to my feet and went over to her. 'Well?'

Alice looked up at me and rolled her eyes. 'Jeez, Edward, what's up with you? She said she'd come over. I told her what you said about coming here first so we can decide what to do together.'

I hadn't wanted to force her into anything, or suggest something that might make her feel uncomfortable. 'When will she be here?' I asked.

'An hour.' The smile faded from Alice's face as she looked at me carefully. 'Edward, you and I need to talk about Bella.'

I frowned back at her as she took my hand and led me over to the couch. She sat beside me but angled in so that she was facing me, and held both of my hands in hers. 'I should have explained about her earlier. Esme's explained this a little to Carlisle since last night, and I think you should know at least a little.'

'What happened to her?'

I didn't know her, barely at all, but I knew that whatever it was, I was going to do my best to fix it.

Alice sighed. 'Her parents died a few years ago. Their house was burgled and they got in the way. And… a couple of other things happened at the same time that were pretty traumatic. She's been all right for the past few months, she even moved into her boyfriend's apartment a few days ago.' She took a deep breath and looked away from me. 'The night her parents died a lot of things changed for her.'

'How come she's so comfortable with you and Esme if she's afraid of becoming close to people?' I asked, forming my own conclusions. Bella was afraid of depending on people in case they disappeared, too. It wasn't uncommon.

But Alice was shaking her head. 'She's not afraid of that. Not really. She's afraid of… men.' She glanced up at me, gauging my reaction. 'It's nothing personal against the two of you. She'll just be very wary around you now. At the airport, with the idea of sitting between you both scared her shitless, you're both tall and strong. And last night at the bar, when you held her so close, she couldn't think…'

I felt myself tense as I focused on the first and most likely reason for her fear. 'Who was he?' I said, my voice low enough to almost be a growl.

Alice jumped. 'What? I didn't say anything about –'

I snarled as rage pounded through me. 'Just tell me who the fuck hurt her enough to make her like this!'

Now Alice was the one who looked terrified. 'Edward, please don't speculate! It'll only make it worse if she thinks you know anything before she's ready to tell you. Just be her friend and keep your distance until she's ready. I don't want to undo all the work Jacob and I have done for her because you decide to go all overprotective.'

Her pleading voice calmed me down slightly. 'Jacob's her boyfriend?'

Alice nodded slowly, not taking her eyes off me now.

'What does he think about all of this?'

'He doesn't know.' She raised her hand to calm me when I cried out angrily. 'He wasn't around until after it happened, and she doesn't have the heart to tell him anything other than that her parents aren't alive anymore. She doesn't want him to turn away from her. But Edward, he's done _so much_ for her. Since she's been with him she's started hanging with me and Rose more, she's started working more, she smiles more. He really loves her, Edward, and she knows it. Being loved is everything she needs right now.'

I could tell by the desperation in her voice that every word was true. The two phrases _poor Bella _and _lucky Bella_ flew through my mind at the same time. I was about to question Alice further but the door to the spare room opened and Esme stepped out. I felt slightly apprehensive, knowing that she would have heard our entire conversation.

I narrowed my eyes at her. 'You know the full story,' I accused.

My sister nodded slightly. 'I might do. But that's it, Edward, its only Alice, Rose and I that know. She's completely detached herself from everyone she used to know, and I know she's lonely, even though I live in another state.' There was worry and concern in her voice, and I knew she considered Bella a close friend, even if I hadn't heard her talk about her often back in Chicago. 'I think she'll benefit from having you as a friend while you're here,' she told me. 'Will you please try? But be careful.'

I nodded slowly. If Bella needed a friend, I'd be there for her.

When that hour had passed, Carlisle and I were sitting in front of the television watching a horror movie while the girls chatted happily at the kitchen table. Since the kitchen, dining room and the lounge room were all sort of connected, their talking distracted us from the movie, but I knew how much Esme had missed Alice so I didn't mention it. Every now and then Carlisle would send me a wry glance when their voices became too loud, and I'd inch the volume of the movie up a little, trying in vain to tune them out. How was it possible that their voices got louder as the movie did?

I don't know how they heard it over the movie, but suddenly Alice jumped to her feet to answer a knock at the door. I looked up and watched intently, the movie forgotten, to see if it was Bella.

It was. She stepped hesitantly into the apartment and looked around. It looked like she winced when her eyes landed on me, but I told myself otherwise. Carlisle switched the television off and got to his feet. I followed suit and made my way over to the table, which Alice was leading Bella to. I noticed that Alice sat in a different spot than before, leaving the one between herself and Esme open. Bella settled herself there, not looking at either Carlisle or me anymore. I sat down next to Alice at the small, round dining table, and Carlisle took his spot between his wife and me.

I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't find a single word. What _could_ I say to her? "I know how your parents died and I'm almost positive that you were raped. Nice to see you again." No, that didn't really seem like it would work.

Alice put her arm around Bella's shoulders. As she felt the warmth around her shoulders Bella must have found an ounce of courage because she looked up at me. Her expression was one of wariness and frustration, with a tinge of fear. Was she frustrated with me, or herself?

'I'm sorry about last night,' she said quietly, glancing up at me for the slightest moment before looking down at her hands, which were wrung together. 'I wish I could say that it was uncommon for me to act so, or that I could explain, but I don't think I can.' Her voice broke at the end and I felt a strange need to reach out to her, to offer her any comfort I could, but I knew it would only make things worse.

So instead, I swallowed the urge to comfort her physically and plastered the gentlest smile I could on my face. 'You have nothing to apologise for, Bella,' I said softly. 'And you don't have to explain anything to me, or to Carlisle.'

Carlisle nodded in agreement. 'I hope that it was okay for us to ask to spend time with you today,' he added. 'We wanted to start over, if that would be okay.' Carlisle smiled, and I looked over to Bella to see her smiling tentatively back at him.

'Don't you have some house-hunting to be doing?' she asked, suddenly frowning slightly.

Esme laughed. 'The first house that we want to look at is open tomorrow,' she explained. 'We were going to push all of our searching into the weekend so that Carlisle can enjoy his first day at work on Monday.'

Bella nodded slowly, then turned from them to look at me again. Finally she dropped her eyes, but the smile was still there. 'What are we going to do today then?' she asked.

The five of us went out to lunch at a nearby fancy restaurant. Again I found Bella to be sitting between Alice and Esme, apparently at random. Alice's hand found my knee and gave it a squeeze under the table, and when I looked up at her she was grinning at me. I could tell why: not only did Bella seem at ease, but she was having a decent conversation with Carlisle about his job and what he'd be doing here. Esme was practically glowing.

We stayed there until long after lunch, just chatting and getting to know each other better. Or rather, it was the three of us from Chicago getting to know Bella better, and Alice almost bouncing in her seat to see Bella relaxed with us. The joy was contagious, and we had no more troubles until it was time to leave. 'How long do you have until work?' I asked her.

'Two hours. I should be going, I have some things I need to get done first.' Did her smile waver just then or was it my imagination?

I didn't want her to leave, I realised. I wanted to get to know her more, to become a close friend, to find out how to protect her. 'Why don't you come back to Alice's with us, and go to work from there?' I suggested.

No, I wasn't imagining it. The smile was completely gone, and her eyes were suddenly… hollow. Lifeless. 'No. I have to go home.' It wasn't the wavering argument of someone who was about to give in. Bella's opinion could not be swayed. Pushing her chair back, she got to her feet. 'I need to go now.'

'I'll drop you home,' Alice said, jumping up immediately, casting an apologetic look at me. 'I'll come back for the rest of you soon,' she promised.

As the two of them disappeared behind the doors, I thumped my head on the table, and wished it had hurt more. 'I've done it again,' I groaned.

Esme's hand was comfortingly on my arm. 'You know the only men she's close to are Jacob, Emmett and Jasper? Jacob would never do anything to hurt her, she knows that. And Emmett's Alice's brother, and Jasper her boyfriend. Alice's family is practically Bella's family, so she sees no threat in them anymore.'

'_I'm _Alice's family! And I'd never do anything to hurt her.'

Esme sighed. 'Yes, but she doesn't _know_ you. Give her some time!'

When Alice came back to pick us up we were sitting in silence, and the silence continued in the car. By the time we had gotten back to the apartment I'd made a vow to myself.

Before I went back to Chicago, I would make Bella Swan happy.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: For some reason I'm having trouble writing two different Bella's: terrified Bella with Edward and Carlisle, and comfortable-but-hesitant Bella with Jacob. Hope I'm going okay.**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all it's characters. I own this plot. Edward owns me.**

**Chapter Five: Crash Course In Bella**

BPOV

Finally, a day to sleep in.

Not.

Jacob woke me up early. I fought awareness, but his hands tugged me up into a sitting position. Wrapping his arms around me, he held me to his chest. 'I want to take you out for breakfast,' he whispered in my ear.

I pressed my head into his shoulder. 'What's wrong with toast?' I replied just as quietly. 'I'm fine with toast.'

Jacob laughed. 'Yeah, you're fine with toast as long as you get to sleep in, in the morning.'

I groaned and made to pull away from him, but his arms held me tightly against him. 'You're not the one who has to work until one in the morning on weeknights.'

'Well you'll get to go to bed early tonight then,' he said, kissing my forehead before shifting off the bed. 'Besides, you've already slept half the day away.'

As soon as he moved away from me I fell back onto the bed. 'Then there's still another half of the day for me to be asleep,' I groaned, pressing my face into the pillow.

Jacob laughed again, and I felt the bed sink slightly as he lowered his weight back onto it. One of his hands rested on my back as he slid back into bed next to me. He pulled me to him and wrapped both of his arms around me, tight enough to be comforting and loose enough for me not to panic. At the feel of his embrace it occurred to me to wonder just how much Jacob suspected about me.

I hadn't been easy on him when we first met: my reaction to him had been so much worse than I was acting with Carlisle and Edward now. He couldn't have missed the fact that whenever other men were close by I reached out for him, holding whatever part of him that he offered tightly. He must have noticed my moods. He must have seen how much I'd changed since I'd first met him, and he had to have wondered what I'd been through. Maybe he just thought that my parent's death had traumatised me so much.

I'd been spending a lot of nights in Jacob's apartment before I'd officially moved in, but all we'd done was lay together until we fell asleep. In the year that we'd been together we hadn't done anything more than kiss, and I knew that was strange for two people in their twenties. I knew he wanted more, but he never once pushed me.

There were times that I wanted him. He was extremely attractive, with his dark skin and long black hair, his loving warm eyes. He was tall and built, and I'd seen other women admiring him. However, the moment that I decided to try to take things further with him memories from my past took over, overwhelming me until it was all I could think about. I didn't want to be with him in fear.

It was usually the nights that I could feel how much he wanted me that I was driven to the couch.

I knew he wouldn't hurt me. That was the ridiculous thing. I knew he'd _never_ hurt me. But when I thought of having him above me another face replaced his, an ugly, menacing face that had me all but screaming as I fled to the lounge room.

The only time I was truly happy with Jacob was when we were in public, with plenty of witnesses around. My subconscious screamed that he wasn't safe even though I knew in my mind and heart that he was, and the presence of other people placated my irrationality.

That's what I wanted for today. Even now, lying in bed with him holding me, a part of me was struggling to get away from him. I didn't want to struggle today, I didn't want to be afraid. So I got up without complaint for once and went to get ready for our breakfast.

By the time we were at the little café down the street, it was time for lunch, so we ordered larger meals instead. Midway through the meal Jacob reached across the table and enveloped my tiny hand in his huge one. 'What's Alice's family like?'

I stopped mid-chew of my chicken, but forced myself to keep eating as I pondered my answer. Was that from my own experience, or from what I knew they were really like? I knew the two were completely different, and that made me feel guilty. 'They're really nice,' I told him after a pause that he didn't seem to notice. 'I've met Esme a couple of times before, but her husband Carlisle and her brother Edward are great.' And they were, they were amazingly nice people. Alice had told me about – and I had seen for myself – the devastation and confusion in Carlisle and Edward's eyes at my reactions over the past few days. I didn't want to be so horrible to them. I wanted to make them understand why I shied away from them.

Shy away from them. That was putting it lightly.

Jacob's smile brought me back to the current situation. 'I think you should keep spending time with them. Esme always sounded really nice. Maybe we could go out tonight. Maybe we could see a movie? I'd really like to meet them.'

I felt a strange combination of elation and apprehension at his words. It'd be amazing to get to spend time with all of my favourite people at once, but would Edward or Carlisle mention anything to Jacob? I didn't want to give Jacob a reason to question me, because I had never actually lied to him about it, just skirted around the truth.

_Have you ever thought of having children?_

_Yes, but I'm not ready to look after a kid yet…_

…_What's your worst memory ever?_

_The night my parents died._

_What happened?_

_I'm not ready to talk about it._

Not a word was a lie.

The trouble was, how much did Carlisle and Edward really know? If all they could mention was my supposedly irrational fear, then I could maybe manage Jacob to a safer topic if he brought it up later. But if either Alice or Esme had told them anything at all, and Jacob found out, there'd be no avoiding his curiosity.

I faked a smile – not unusual for me – and before long we were walking back to Jacob's place. Our place.

While he was in the shower I quickly dialled Alice's number. She answered quickly.

'Hello?'

'Hey, Alice. What's happening?'

'We're house hunting,' she told me. 'Esme's already found one that she's fallen in love with, and Carlisle will give her whatever she wants. They're bargaining the price now.'

I smiled at the thought that they'd already found their new home. 'That's great, Alice! What are you doing?'

'Looking over the house again with Edward. Listen, do you have plans with Jacob tonight? It feels like we've got one missing without you here.'

Despite being pleased that they wanted me around, my smile faded into a grimace as the reason for my call came up. 'About that, Alice. Jacob suggested that we all go out and see a movie. He said that he wants to meet your cousins.'

I could almost hear her jumping up and down on the other end of the line. 'That's a great idea! I'll see if Jasper want to come, and Rosalie can bring Emmett!' Her flood of excitement suddenly stopped. 'Hang on, Bella. Will you be all right with that?'

By the sound of it, I'd lost that choice the moment I'd opened my mouth to Alice. But I didn't think I really minded. 'I'll be okay. If not… you'll be there to look after me.' I wasn't sure if I meant that as a joke or not. 'Um, I just need to know what you've told Edward and Carlisle, in case they talk to Jacob.'

EPOV

What was it with me and listening in to Alice's phone conversations? I knew she was talking to Bella and I knew that she was planning something, and I was desperate to be a part of it, whatever "it" was. I still felt like I needed to make it up to her for the past few days. Yesterday had been really good… right up until I'd asked her to stay with us until she had to go to work. I hadn't meant to push her into something she didn't want to do, but I found that I liked happy Bella. I wanted to see more of her. And then with my thoughtless words I'd managed to make her withdraw back into her sadness again.

I knew it wasn't my fault that she'd closed up again. I couldn't help my ignorance if I didn't know why she was upset. But I still wanted to make it up to her, so I hoped with all I was that whatever plans she was making involved me.

'They don't know much at all,' Alice was saying. 'Esme and I had a talk to them, and they know there's a situation, but they don't know what it is.' She turned around and her eyes bore into mine. It was one of the most intimidating things I'd ever seen, despite the fact that she barely reached my shoulder. I read the warning on her face: _You know nothing. Don't guess; don't speculate._

Turning away from her, I tried to distract myself by looking over Esme's new house. The problem with that, though, was that I'd already been through each room twice, so I couldn't turn my thoughts from my speculations like Alice wanted me to.

I wanted to know who had hurt her. I wanted to know that they'd been caught, put away for life so they couldn't hurt anyone else. But I also wanted to know that he hadn't, so I could put all of my efforts into finding the bastard and ripping him to shreds. Alice hadn't confirmed my theory, but she hadn't denied it either, and I knew that if I'd been wrong she would have hesitated to put me in my place. I wanted to talk to Carlisle to see exactly what he had learnt from Esme, but I hadn't had a chance to talk to him alone yet.

Once I'd heard Alice say a quick goodbye and shut the phone I turned back to her.

She beamed up at me. 'We're going to see a movie tonight with Bella and her boyfriend. They're meeting us at my place at eight.' Her forehead twitched like she was about to frown, but the smile stuck in place. 'We'll need to talk about it, but I'll wait for Carlisle first. I need to call Jasper and Rose.'

Not needing to hear Alice's conversations with her boyfriend and his sister, I went in search of my own. Esme grinned up at me when I found her sitting with Carlisle and the real estate agent at the dining room table. 'We've got it!' she practically screamed at me as she sprang to her feet and into my arms. I grinned at Carlisle over her shoulder. 'We need to celebrate!' Esme said against my chest.

I laughed, amazed at the timing. 'I'm not sure if it's what you're looking for, but Alice is planning for us to go to the movies with Bella and her boyfriend.'

She leaned back from me and I saw that she was frowning. 'Who suggested that?'

'Jacob.' It came out sounding like a question, but really I was questioning why it mattered.

Her eyebrows rose. 'Really? Well, I think it's an excellent idea.'

It wasn't until we were in Alice's car on the way back to her apartment that we spoke of it again. 'About tonight,' Alice began. 'We have some rules for you two.'

'Keep your distance without making it look like you are,' Esme said.

'Be nice to Jacob. It's not his fault he doesn't know.'

'Don't look at her like you're worrying about her all night. Jacob'll be sure to notice to ogling his girlfriend, no matter the reason.'

'And don't you dare mention anything to Jacob,' Alice warned. 'The whole idea is to not make Jacob suspicious in any way and to keep Bella relaxed. If we can manage tonight without any mistakes then I'm positive that she'll be happier around you.'

'It might be best if neither of you sit next to her in the cinema,' Esme added. 'Just in case. But don't make it look like you don't want to sit next to her.'

Carlisle and I exchanged an amused glance in the back seat while the women in the front were talking, completely serious. When they stopped I raised my eyebrows at Carlisle, who was trying not to laugh. 'So let me get this straight,' he said. 'We have to avoid her and be nice to her at the same time, but make it look like we're not?' Esme glared at her husband, then at me.

'Idiots,' Alice muttered.

'He said it, not me!' I said, grinning at Carlisle. Esme groaned.

'Why did you two have to meet. Carlisle was never this idiotic before he met you, Edward.'

I leaned forward and ruffled her hair. 'It's nice to know I make a big impression.'

**AN: Funny story. None of my friends know I'm writing this, but most of them have read Twilight or at least know about it, since we talk about it all the time (me and a couple friends today had a full on yelling match about who is better out of Edward/Jacob, and vampires/werewolves). They'd give me endless shit if they knew I was writing fanfiction cause they already think I'm beyond obsessed, so when I've been writing this at school I've been using codenames for the characters so they wouldn't know if they were reading over my shoulder. Then as I was typing this up now I kept writing the names on the paper. Do you know how hard it is to read something and write something else, while you're distracted on top of it!**

**Hopefully I got them all :)**

**AN edit: I got a couple reviews saying that I missed a couple names, but I read through it and changed them, so there shouldn't be a problem now :) Sorry if it didn't make sense.**

**BTW for those who read it and were really confused, Amanda is Alice and Jason is Jacob. If I miss any in the future chapters please let me know so I can fix it.**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Yay! A longer chapter! And from one point of view! Yay for me!**

**I have the internet on my laptop now, so I'll be able to update when I finish them now instead of waiting until I can get to the public computers in the library so far, far away! :)**

**Disclaimer: No matter how I may wish differently, I do not own Twilight. Stephenie has that honour. I just make the characters a little more crazy.**

**Chapter Six: Speculations**

EPOV

What the fuck was I going to wear?

That was the first thing that ran through my mind as I surveyed the clothes spread out before me. A second followed quickly:

Why the fuck do I care?

Usually I didn't care what I wore; I dressed to be presentable, but I very rarely made an effort, mostly only when I was performing. Even for Tanya I didn't care what I looked like. If she didn't like it she didn't have to put up with it, it was as simple as that. Today I knew there was a reason to think about my dressing. I didn't want to look presentable, I wanted to look friendly. I wanted to look like someone approachable and good to be around. I wanted to look like someone who would be comfortable to be around.

I wanted to make Bella not so afraid of me. Especially tonight. I knew it was important for Jacob not to know any details about Bella's past, and despite my misgivings I'd abide by her wishes if it kept her comfortable. Alice told me repeatedly that he was an extremely nice guy, and he cared for and looked after Bella like she was his everything, but if that were so then why did she think he'd turn away from her if she told him the truth?

Esme walked into the lounge room and sat on the couch. I turned and raised my eyebrows at her, crossing my arms over my naked chest; I was dressed only in my boxers as I tried to decide what to wear. That was the price of staying in a two-bedroom apartment: Alice kept her room and Esme and Carlisle took the other, while I was reduced to the couch. 'Can't a guy get any privacy?' I muttered, but I was trying not to smile.

Esme rolled her eyes at me. 'What do you need privacy for? If you weren't standing in the lounge room for nearly ten minutes wearing nothing but your underwear then you wouldn't have this problem, would you?'

'Maybe if I could find something to wear…' I murmured to myself, but of course she heard me.

My sister snorted. 'Since when do you care what you wear?' she said, echoing my earlier thoughts. I gave her the answer that I had given myself, which resulted in a small frown appearing on her face. 'You know that what you wear probably won't make a difference,' she told me.

That had been the thing that I'd kept telling myself, but for some reason I couldn't help but keep wondering. 'Yeah, well…' I began, but couldn't think of a honest comeback or even a snappy one, so I just let it hang.

Esme sighed and, grabbing my hand, she pulled me onto the couch beside her. 'Edward, what are you doing here?' Her voice wasn't light or joking, and it occurred to me that she was worried about me.

Because of her sincerity, I took a moment to think about the answer. When what I came up with forced me to make a choice that I'd been avoiding, I shrugged it off and grinned at Esme. 'I'm helping you look for a house.'

She raised her eyebrows. 'All right. So now that we've found one, when are you leaving?'

Did she want me to go? 'I don't know yet. I thought I'd spend a few weeks here at least, to see Alice and Emmett and to help you and Carlisle settle in.'

Esme sighed and tightened her hand on mine. 'Edward, they're valid reasons, they are. But what about Tanya? What are you thinking about Tanya?'

Tanya. 'I haven't had enough time yet, Esme. I haven't come to a decision yet.'

'You haven't come to a decision or you don't want to admit the decision?'

I didn't know whether to scowl at her or laugh. I settled for a grimace. 'How do you know me so well?' I asked her, thoroughly annoyed. 'Esme, you know that I didn't have to come here to know that I'm not ready to have a child.'

'Then what are you doing? If she wants kids and you don't then there's only one thing that you can do.'

I nodded slowly and twisted my hand out of hers, getting to my feet and pulling on a pair of light blue jeans. 'I'm going to give it some time,' I told her. 'I want her to see that there is life for her without me.'

Esme laughed, and I relaxed to see her relaxed again. 'Isn't that a bit egotistical, even for you?'

'You know what she's like.'

'Yeah, I do. But don't leave it too long, Edward, or you'll just end up breaking not only her heart, but your own too.'

I tried to make sense of the last part of her sentence as I pondered what shirt to wear once more, but I couldn't. 'What do you mean, I'll break my own heart?'

She shrugged. 'Well, what if you meet someone but you don't notice her like you should because you're hung up on Tanya? If you know you're going to end it with her, you should do it sooner so that you can both move on as quickly as you can.'

I rolled my eyes at her. 'Esme, who am I going to meet here in Forks? I know a whole four people who aren't family, and one is your husband. And since Rosalie and Bella are both taken I'm not too keen on my luck. Besides, I live in Chicago. I'm here to visit.'

Suddenly Esme was sombre again, and I groaned inwardly as I wished for a lighter conversation. Anything but this. 'I'm going to miss you when you go back home, Edward. Since Mum and Dad moved to Europe it's just been us, and I know I have Carlisle now but I don't want to leave you alone. I want you to be happy.'

Not sure what to make of her sudden honesty, I went back to the couch and sat beside her with my arm around her shoulders. Esme pressed her face against my chest, but I was sure she wasn't crying. 'I am happy,' I said quietly, but my chest was tight and my own eyes suddenly sore.

'Are you really? Are you looking forward to getting up each day because it'll mean you'll spend time with someone you love? Are you so happy you could cry because of what comes next? You might think you're happy but you know nothing until you've been happy and in love.'

Not knowing what to say, I pressed my cheek against Esme's hair. Despite our closeness, I suddenly felt more alone than I had felt since… well, I couldn't remember the last time I felt this lonely. I wanted to be loved; I wanted to love with everything I had. I wanted it to consume me. I wanted to be obliviously happy. 'I guess I never really loved Tanya.'

'Then please, Edward, please end this before it goes too far.'

Instead of answering I got to my feet and held up two shirts. 'Blue or black?'

A few minutes later Alice served dinner; a combination of leftover pasta and chicken. It was the first time I'd met Jasper, who had arrived half an hour ago, but I couldn't find conversation with him. It wasn't any fault of his – I'm sure he was a really nice guy – but I couldn't distract myself from my thoughts. I knew that what I was doing with Tanya was cowardly. My reasoning was that after maybe a month without me around, she might realise how easy it was to be without me, but what if it was completely the other way around? There was no way of knowing with her. For all I knew it would just convince her that she couldn't live without me, and then what would I do? Stay by her, kids and all, because I was too cowardly to leave her?

That's what I was. A coward.

Esme was right. It would be best to break it off with her now, but to be honest I was enjoying my time in Forks – even with all of the drama packed into three days – and I knew this conversation needed to be conducted face to face. No matter what I thought of her, I had more respect for her than that. Hell, I had more respect for anyone than to dump them over the phone from another state. I knew she'd assume I'd found someone better when the truth was that I just didn't love her like she wanted me to. She thought she loved me, but did she really love _me_, or just the opportunities I could bring her?

I helped Alice clean the table and do the dishes to apologise for my silence at dinner, although no one had really seemed to notice. When eight o'clock came I was desperate for the others to arrive, hoping that a larger crowd of new people would manage to distract me further from the things that I knew I'd eventually have to do.

The doorbell rang just on eight, and Alice danced to the door. From where I was sitting I couldn't see the person on the other side, but the moment I heard his booming voice I knew it was Alice's brother Emmett. Although he was, at times, just a big obnoxious ass, he was also a genuinely good guy, and one of the most honest people I'd ever met. It still made me laugh at how Emmett and Rosalie, and Alice and Jasper had all met. Unfortunately I hadn't had much time to speak to him since I'd arrived in Forks, mostly because of the slight drama of the other night.

As Rosalie hung by the door talking to Alice, Emmett came over to me. 'Hey, Edward.' He glanced at the others and lowered his voice. 'How you been? You seen Bella again since the bar?'

I nodded, shifting on the couch so he could sit beside me. 'Yeah, we had lunch yesterday. It was really good, until we had to go. I'm afraid I stuffed it up again,' I told him ruefully.

Emmett just shrugged. 'You'll be all right. She'll warm to you eventually. She's just a bit shy around new guys.'

Shy? Shy! I stared at him like he'd grown horns. 'Shy? Is that what you call it?'

He shrugged again, but this time it was awkwardly. 'I can't talk about it, all right? Rose doesn't even know that I've guessed, and God help you if you do and Alice or Rose find out. Better tell that to Carlisle, too, he seems nice enough that I'd like him to keep his head.'

When the doorbell rang again a few minutes later it could only be Bella, and I found myself holding my breath as Alice went for the door. It was stupid, really, but I couldn't help but hope that we'd become friends. Maybe it was the overprotective male in me, but I wanted to help her get better, happier. And I couldn't do that if she wouldn't let me near her.

Another loud, boisterous voice preceded my view of who walked in next. 'Hey, Alice! How's the apartment going without Bells?'

Was the expression on Alice's face pained? 'Yeah, good. I haven't had it to myself much, though. Come in, I'll introduce you to everybody.'

Alice closed the door, revealing Bella and a large Native American man who must have been Jacob. The only thing that surprised me about his appearance was how big he was next to Bella, but also that he had his arm comfortably around her waist. It wasn't so much his action as her lack of alarmed response to it that surprised me, but the second it occurred to me I inwardly shook my head at myself. How could I think they wouldn't be close? Obviously she had to be comfortable around him if she had just moved in with him.

After introducing Jacob to Esme and Carlisle, Alice led him over to where I sat with Emmett. 'This is my other cousin, Edward,' she said. 'Edward, this is Jacob.'

Jacob offered his hand and I stretched forward in my seat to shake it. 'Nice to meet you, Jacob,' I said. It wasn't his fault Bella didn't trust him with her secrets, I told myself as I forced a smile.

'Yeah, you too. How's it going, Emmett?' As easily as that I was brushed away and the two of them began talking about the game that had been on yesterday. Alice slinked away to grab her purse from her bedroom and left Bella standing in front of me, looking just about as awkward as I felt.

'Hey,' she said quietly, almost-but-not-quite looking at me.

'Hey,' I replied, and this smile was genuine. 'Have you had a nice day? Alice said you went out for lunch again.'

She nodded slightly, glancing at me almost warily. 'Yeah, it was okay. How was house-hunting?'

'Great,' I told her. As I began to brief her on the house Esme and Carlisle had found I shifted over on the seat slightly, supplying just enough room that if she had wanted to sit she could do so without being too close to me. I tried to do it subtly enough that if she didn't want to then she could pretend not to notice, but after one long, hard stare she slowly moved to sit between me and Emmett. As she settled herself Emmett caught my eye over her head, his eyes questioning and more than a little surprised. I beamed at him, and then at her when she looked back at me, as I finished telling her about the house. I was ecstatic. This was progress.

_Edward, you are stupid_, I told myself, but I didn't care. It did sound stupid that I was glad a girl would sit next to me, but the circumstances were strange enough that I dismissed the thought.

Because there were so many of us we took two cars to the cinema. Since there wasn't one in Forks we went to Port Angeles, a nearby city, and I wasn't too surprised to find myself in a separate car than Bella.

After buying the tickets for the movie – the Mummy 3 – the girls all simultaneously decided that they needed the toilet and left us in the foyer. I noticed Jacob staring at Bella with a frown as she walked into the bathroom. Trying to make an effort, I moved closer to him to get his attention. 'Everything all right, Jacob?'

He shook himself slightly and grinned at me ruefully. 'Yeah. Just worrying, that's all.'

I had two options. I could let it slide, not pry, and not arouse possible suspicion. Or I could ask, pry, be curious. 'What are you worrying about?' I asked, hoping that it wouldn't go too badly. 'She looks like she's in a really good mood today.'

Jacob nodded slowly. 'Yeah, but that's sort of the thing. Usually there's a large part of her that's reserved, no matter how happy she is. Tonight, she's happier than before.' He shrugged. 'It's stupid, I guess. I should be happy that she's happy, and I am. But it's… I dunno, it's strange. I can't explain it. I'm hoping she's not faking it and that it's going to get worse…'

I could see the distress plain on his face and immediately felt horrible for doubting how much he cared for Bella. There wasn't any need to rouse suspicion: it was already there, thick and strong. 'Maybe she's happy to be living with you,' I suggested, trying to rid the frown from his face. I could like Jacob easily, I realised.

If anything, the frown only deepened. 'Maybe. I hadn't seen her that much since she'd moved in before today. It's a relief to have her close to me,' he told me, glancing at the others to make sure that they were engrossed in their own conversations. 'I used to worry about her so much more,' he continued, his voice slightly quieter. 'I still hate to leave her alone, but it's hard when she works nights like she does. It's good that Alice and Rosalie take such good care of her for me. I don't know what I'd do if she didn't spend her time with them before work each day.'

What? Is that what she told him, that when she wasn't with him or at work she was with her friends? I quickly excused myself to the bathroom as well, needing to bring my thoughts into order. _Was it a big deal?_ I thought to my reflection in the mirror. What did she do at home that was so bad that she had to lie to her boyfriend about it? Did Alice know that Jacob thought Bella spend her afternoons at her place still?

As these thoughts raced through my mind a memory quickly took their place. Yesterday at the restaurant, when I'd asked Bella to come back to Alice's with us. Maybe it hadn't been fear of me and Carlisle that had stopped her. What if she needed to be home for something? To do something? What if… oh God…

Knowing that my fear was probably irrational I rushed from the bathroom back into the foyer. The girls were back, and I saw Bella standing beside Jacob and Emmett. Under the guise of wanting to speak to Emmett, I approached them quickly and mentioned something insignificant to Emmett to begin a conversation. As I did I stared hard at Bella, grateful of her short-sleaved shirt.

There was nothing. Her arms were clear. But what was going on?

Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I should mind my own business and focus on my own problems. Maybe there was nothing going on.

But what if there was?

**AN: I'm hoping this is okay. I'm not good at working things up gradually. For anyone who's read Sweetest Sunrise, I think that I'm just going to be focusing on this for a while since I've got a lot of school stuff on for the next two months or so, and I prefer this one. And in case anyone's wondering, this isn't going to be all doom and gloom, although that is a bit of a main theme. There will be happy Bella and Edward later on. It'll come!**

**P.S. Am I going crazy or is everyone being really slow on updates? None of my favourites have in ages! It's making me sad!**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: This chapter is dedicated to my favourite pair of underwear, which have officially died. As I was writing this I discovered a massive hole in the ass of my undies, so this completely un-underwear related chapter is for you!**

**Chapter Seven:**

BPOV

I'd seen better movies in my life.

After half an hour I'd lost complete interest and rested my head on Jacob's arm. By this time I was wishing I'd worn a sweater, so I pulled his warm arm around my shoulders and snuggled into his side. When I next opened my eyes the lights were coming up and there was the rustling movement of people stretching and getting to their feet.

I blinked up at Jacob, who was grinning down at me. 'Tired, are we?'

I pressed my face against his chest. 'You're the one who woke me up this morning,' I mumbled.

I felt a pair of warm lips kiss the top of my head. 'Yeah, about that. You know how I promised an early night?'

I groaned, knowing it wouldn't be good. 'What, Jake?'

'Well your friends want to go for a couple of drinks… But we don't have to if you're too tired,' he added hurriedly.

Sighing, I pushed away from him and stretched, trying to loosen my muscles, which were cramped from sleeping so uncomfortably. The others were in various states of getting up, but no one was in any hurry. 'It's fine. As long as you let me sleep in tomorrow,' I said. 'Promise me!'

After eliciting my promise I let him pull me to my feet and we made our way out into the lobby. Rosalie tore herself away from Emmett and put her arm around my shoulders. 'Like the movie?' she asked, laughing.

I pushed her away, latching onto Jacob's arm. 'At least I was being good while I was not watching the movie,' I retorted, grinning at her.

At Nine's Jacob, Jasper and I waited at the bar for the drinks while the others went to find a free booth. Jacob and I headed back last after a quick conversations with one of my workmates, and there was conveniently room for two more people in the booth, sitting next to Edward. It would have been easy and entirely unremarkable if I'd let Jacob slide in before me, placing a barrier between Edward and I.

But I'd had a good day. Was that a stupid reason? Despite falling asleep at the movies and being extremely tired now, I was in a good mood. I wouldn't call it happy – not truly happy – but I wanted to be, and if I kept hiding from myself then I'd never be truly happy. I knew it might be a mistake to push myself so quickly, but I made a vow to myself as I slid in beside Edward that I'd get to know him for as long as he was here. Maybe if I denied my fear in such a way I'd be able to overcome it someday.

For the briefest moment everyone stared at me, obviously surprised by my move, before glancing away into their own conversations. Maybe it was because I knew something was worth noticing, but to me they were all completely conspicuous, and that made me want to laugh. Edward was the funniest: he continued to stare at me for a few seconds after everyone else had turned away, and he had the strangest look on his face. It was part shock, part joy, and part suspicion? Worry? I ignored that bit and focused on the rest. 'So Edward,' I said, enjoying this moment of newfound lightness. 'What do you actually do back in Chicago?'

Edward looked down at me for another moment. 'I'm a musician,' he said, smiling at me slightly. 'I play the piano.'

Esme pushed her arm across Edward's chest and pushed him back so that she could see me. 'He sings, too,' she told me excitedly. I wasn't sure whether her enthusiasm was for Edward's actual talent or for my question. 'He's really, really good, at both.'

It looked like Edward was blushing, but it was too hard to tell for sure in the dim pub. 'I'm okay,' he conceded.

'No, you're fantastic,' Carlisle insisted. 'Bella, you should get Edward to play for you sometime!'

I smiled up at him with part hesitation and part eagerness. It felt strange to sit too close to him so suddenly, but I was also comfortable. Maybe the challenge I'd set myself wouldn't be as hard as I'd thought it would be.

Jacob leaned forward, pressing his chest against my shoulder to get into the conversation. 'How big a following do you have back in Chicago?'

Edward was suddenly awkward. 'Big enough to get by,' he said quietly.

Alice snorted. 'Yeah, right. Didn't Esme tell me that you're writing music for your second CD? That sounds plenty enough to get by.'

I looked at Edward more closely than before. Was I sitting next to someone famous? Alice would have told me if there was something worth telling, so he couldn't be that well known. He definitely looked like someone who could be famous; he was thin, but although he wasn't as big as Emmett or Jasper he still looked athletic and strong. I took in his tight-fitting shirt and pictured him without it, and I knew he'd be well built. His face was chiselled and his green eyes bright, and his strange bronze hair constantly looked like he'd just run his hands through it.

Edward turned back from Emmett to answer something Jacob had asked him, and as he did so his eyes brushed across me, catching me staring at him. I blushed furiously as his eyes darted back to me, and he smiled crookedly at me before continuing his conversation with Jacob.

After an hour or so I caught Jacob's eye and mouthed that I wanted to leave, although I was really having so much fun I didn't want to. But I was feeling slightly anxious, like I always did on weekends when I didn't have my time to myself. I needed to go home to bed, so I could wake up quicker and have my dozing time in the morning. I hugged Rosalie, who was the only girl I could reach, and smiled warmly at the others. Jacob shook Edward's hand, and the two of them agreed that they'd catch up again sometime before Edward went back to Chicago. Feeling a spur of dare again, I teased Edward that I'd make him perform for me before he went home. He grinned at me and said he would.

The air was freezing when Jacob and I walked home, but thankfully it wasn't windy or raining. Jacob held me close to him to preserve warmth, and we were soon back in our apartment. I fell onto the couch and sighed. 'I had a good time tonight,' I said partly to him and partly to myself.

Jacob's face appeared above me, grinning. 'So did I. I'm glad you did too, but you can't go to sleep on the couch. I don't want to deal with that in the morning.'

I stuck my tongue out at him and let him pull me to my feet. After quickly changing – in the bathroom so he wouldn't see me – I slipped into bed beside him. He wrapped his warm arms around me and I snuggled into his chest.

We lay like that for a few minutes, and soon I was beginning to drift off to sleep. 'Bella,' he whispered suddenly. I was too far gone to reply without waking myself up, so I remained silent, still listening.

He paused, like he was waiting for the reply. I felt him brush his lips across my hair. 'Bella, I wish you were awake so I could tell you how happy I am.' He paused again, but this felt more like a hesitation. 'Bella, I love you.'

I smiled slightly, but something was wrong. Those words were familiar. The tone was familiar. But the sudden feeling of sorrow that I felt, what was that?

* * *

EPOV

What a fantastic night.

We stayed at Nine's for quite a while, just drinking and chatting. It made me incredibly happy to see Bella so happy. She was smiling and laughing, but most importantly, she was comfortable beside me! She spoke to Carlisle as much as any of the others, and didn't flinch away or hesitate once. Jacob's arm was draped casually around either her shoulder or her waist, but she seemed oblivious of it. Every now and then she'd be trying to get someone's attention who was talking to someone else, and she'd lean across me to tap their shoulder. I could feel the pressure of her leg flush against mine and her side pressed against my chest. After one time she didn't move back as fully as the last times, and her body remained slightly pressed against mine. Whenever she'd speak to me she'd smile so cheerfully. I wanted to throw my arms around her and hug her tightly, thinking _Yes! Yes, be happy! Be comfortable! Be relaxed!_

Despite Bella's early protests that she wanted an early night, we remained at the pub until nearly two o'clock. The girls were in the middle of a heated argument about which male character the heroine should have ended up with in a movie they'd seen recently, and us guys were mocking them, laughingly comparing the women in the same movie. I was getting away with the most absurd comments, since all of the other guys had a partner there to retaliate if their suggestions got too rowdy.

_Smack!_

Emmett's head dropped and smacked onto the table, causing all of us to jump and then stare at him, all conversations forgotten. Rosalie dissolved into a fit of giggles, which caused the rest of us to laugh. 'Can't we just go home already?' he complained loudly.

Thankfully we all lived within walking distance, since none of us were in any condition to drive. Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett took a different direction than us from just outside the pub, but Bella and Jacob's apartment was in the same direction as Alice's. A few minutes down the road I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and pulled it out. I stared at the ID on the screen for a couple of seconds.

TANYA

Why did she have to call now? God, what time was it in Chicago? What time did she think it was here? I didn't want to talk to her, not after having such a great night. Alice noticed the phone in my hand and smirked. I scowled at her as I flipped open the phone.

'Hi, Tanya.'

'Edward! What took you so long to answer? It feels like we haven't spoken in ages!'

She sounded drunk. 'I called you two days ago,' I said flatly.

'Yeah, Edward, I know, but it feels like so much longer! I miss you.'

I asked her to give me a second and turned to Alice. 'I'll catch up with you, okay?'

She frowned at me. 'Are you sure you'll be all right to get home by yourself? You know the way?'

'Edward can look after himself,' Esme said, resting her head on Carlisle's shoulder.

'And I know the way,' I added. 'I won't be long.'

I waited until I saw their backs retreating in the distance before I put the phone back to my ear. I didn't want them to hear me, unsure of how this could go. 'Tanya, the reason why I'm in Washington is because I need some space from you to figure out what I want. It's not called space if you call me.'

'So what, _you_ decide what space we need?'

'No, I decide what space _I _need. And I need more space than this!'

There was a very long pause on the other end. 'Why, Edward? You already know that you're going to break up with me, so what's the point in drawing this out?'

Sighing quietly, I sat down at the curb. I didn't want to have this conversation yet. 'I haven't decided anything yet, Tanya. Please, Tanya, you agreed to this.'

There was another short silence. I ran my fingers through my hair, frustrated. 'Edward, all I want is a baby,' she said, her voice small. 'Is that too much to ask?'

I hung up.

Esme, Carlisle and Alice were waiting up for me when I reached Alice's apartment. 'What was that?' Esme asked me.

'Nothing. She was drunk and she wanted to talk to me. I hung up on her.'

The three of them stared at me for a few seconds. 'Oh,' Esme said, then walked into the spare room.

Carlisle rolled his eyes at me, clapped me on the back and followed. Alice came forward and hugged me, surprising me. It wasn't a bouncy, excited hug, but a cautious, thoughtful hug. 'I'm not going to tell you what to do, Edward. Just do what's right for you.'

I watched her go, feeling extremely confused all of a sudden. What was right for me? The only thing that I knew was that I didn't want to have a child with Tanya, and I was sick of her moods. Was that a good enough reason to leave her? She hadn't given me an ultimatum, so what was the point in breaking up with her?

I stripped to my boxers quickly and climbed under my blanket on the couch after flicking the lights off. I realised that I'd made my decision earlier today, or perhaps even before that, and that it had been the wrong one. I'd be honest with Tanya, and I'd give her these few weeks like I'd promised her. If she decided that she couldn't live without kids but could live without me, that would be okay. And if I realised I missed her more than I thought I would, and that maybe this absence gave her a few more realistic views of parenthood, I'd give her the child she wanted.

A few minutes later I saw a flashing light from the ground and heard my phone vibrating. I picked it up and looked at the screen.

1 NEW MSG

TANYA

Sighing, I read the message.

I'M SORRY BOUT EARLIER. I'LL WAIT TIL UR READY.  
PLZ DON'T BE MAD. I LUV U.

I stared at the message for at least a few minutes before hitting reply.

IT'S OKAY, I'M NOT MAD. JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I NEED.  
DON'T CALL ME, I'LL CALL U IF I WANT 2 TALK.  
DON'T REPLY 2 THIS. LUV U 2.

I deliberated over the message for a further few minutes, wondering if it was too harsh. But it said everything I needed her to hear, and hopefully this time she'd listen to me. If there was anything that would force my decision, it would be her persistence.

I waited for a reply, fully expecting to get one, even if it was just "okay". But none came, and I was extremely grateful. Despite the fact that it was the early hours of the morning, I didn't feel tired. Usually drinking alcohol made me drowsy if I wasn't doing anything, but right now I felt too alert to sleep. As I lay on the couch with my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling, images from tonight began to fly through my mind. Emmett so happy with Rosalie, and Alice so happy with Jasper. I was glad to see my cousins so in love, just like I had become so used to with Esme and Carlisle. I knew from meeting the Rosalie twice and Jasper only once that they were good people, and I hoped that they continued to make Alice and Emmett happy. Even Bella was worry-free tonight. I felt like that might have been my doing, by somehow being more easy to be around tonight, but I knew that it must have had something to do with Jacob being there. She fitted with him so easily; I knew she trusted him more than any other man. And he was a good man. He knew there was something there, but he didn't push it for Bella's sake. I hoped he made her happy, because Bella deserved to be happy.

I finally fell asleep with Bella's smiling, carefree face resonating in my mind.

**AN: Hope you liked this chapter. I wrote the first a few days ago, but only finished the second half tonight. I'll probably be using my other computer at home to upload for a while since my laptop doesn't have anti-virus software yet and I'd like to keep my laptop, but I'm on school holidays so I'll try to update every few days. I was at a lunch party thing and came up with this really bittersweet moment that will happen later on, I was in a complete daze for almost ten minutes at the party while I was planning it out, and the moment I got home I wrote it all down so I wouldn't forget. I can't wait until this gets further in so I can write some more juicy stuff.**

**BTW some of the reviews from last chapter really made me smile, and gave me the inspiration to finish this chapter today. I try to respond to all my reviews unless I'm snowed under with school stuff, and I make sure to check out the stories of everyone who reviews/fave's/alerts me or this story. Some of the longer stories are on my to-do list :) but if you'd like me to read something of yours then let me know! I love Twilight fanfic entirely too much.**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: This is how immature and Twilight-obsessed me and my friends are. A conversation we had:**

**Sam sits down with a plate of food: Damn it! I should have gotten a fork.**

**Me: Hehe. Forks is a place.**

**(Laughter) (Rolling of eyes from non-Twilight readers who know about Twilight because everyone knows about Twilight)**

**Courtney: Yes. A very cloudy place where it's okay to be sparkly.**

**For the people who want some Edward/Bella chemistry to begin, this chapter hints at the start of something more. :) Gotta love Edward in a towel!**

**Disclaimer (And for last chapter, too): Steph owns Twilight. I own this plot. Edward owns me.**

**Chapter Eight: Food Shopping**

BPOV

Monday morning was finally my chance to sleep in. Midway through my waking up routine I reached across and found an empty bed. Hearing no sounds in the apartment, I knew it was late enough that Jacob had left for work. When I got out of bed it was almost one. I threw a piece of bread in the toaster.

I dressed quickly and was brushing my teeth when I heard the phone ringing. Spitting out the toothpaste, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and ran for the phone.

'Hello?' I said breathlessly.

'Bella? It's Jake, I can't talk for long, I've just stepped out of a meeting for a moment. You know how I usually go shopping Monday nights? I'm gonna be home late tonight, after the shops close. Do you reckon you'll be able to go for me? I'm sure Alice will go with you.'

I smiled. 'Sure.'

'Just have a look and see if we need anything. Maybe I'll stop by the Nine's for tea on the way home? I don't want to chance not seeing you awake tomorrow.'

'You could have woken me up,' I told him.

'And miss seeing you so peaceful? I don't think so. Look, I have to get back to work, I'll see you tonight?'

'Sure.' I hung up the phone and grabbed my handbag.

I didn't really mind shopping. It was something distracting, and my life was all about distraction. There wasn't that many things I needed to get – just the necessities and a few extras – but I decided to go around Alice's place anyway and see if she wanted to come with me. My plan had been to go around to her place anyway, so it'd just be the venue and activities that would be different. It was Carlisle's first day at work, and I'm sure Esme and Edward could entertain themselves for an hour while Alice and I were shopping.

Ten minutes later I was standing outside of Alice's apartment, my finger on the buzzer. When no one answered the door after a minute, I tried again, and then I knocked. I was about to pull my phone out of my bag to ring Alice when the door flew open, revealing a wet, glistening Edward wearing nothing but a towel.

My breath caught in my throat as I took in the sight of Edward Cullen standing almost naked before me. He was as built as I'd imagined, but in a way that wasn't intimidating. It was a little… subtler, a lot more so than Emmett. His skin was pale but it suited him, and the view of the white towel resting low on his hips, revealing a perfect "V". His hair was wet, and drops of water fell down onto his chest, where they slid further down along his stomach. I was staring at the faint trail of fine, bronze hair leading down from his navel when he cleared his throat, stretching to lean against the doorframe in a pose that I'm sure was unintentionally seductive. 'Hi, Bella.'

I blushed immediately and closed my eyes, turning my head to the side for good measure. 'Hi, Edward. Um, is Alice home?'

'No she's not. Have you tried calling her?' I could hear the amusement in his voice. God, he better not be laughing at me. I wanted to look to check, but I really didn't think that was a good idea.

'Um, n-no. I'll go call her now. I'll see you around.' I needed to get out of here. I turned and took a step down the hallway, but the sound of his voice stopped me.

'Bella, wait!' Turning my head, I saw his arm reaching out to me, but his hand wavered in the air, like he was hesitant to touch me. I stared at the muscles on his arm. 'Will you come inside? I'll get dressed, and we'll find Alice. How does that sound?'

My eyes slowly moved from his arm to his face. He was staring at me in earnest, like he was trying to get some point across, but I didn't see what it was. My heart and my breathing sped up, and I felt a lump in my throat, but I didn't feel like the usual signs of panic.

Edward took a cautious step toward me. 'Bella, are you okay?' I still didn't speak, just continued to stare at him while my body battled my emotions and my thoughts. 'Bella?' Another step forward. His voice quietened. 'Are you afraid of me?'

I shook my head slowly. He retreated, one hand holding the towel in place and the other running through his hair. 'Will you come inside? I'll get dressed in the bathroom and meet you back in the living room. Does that sound okay?'

Tearing my eyes away to walk into the apartment, I perched on the end of the couch – which was still unfolded in it's bed form – and took out my phone. 'I'll call Alice while you dress,' I told him, not looking at him as he pulled some clean clothes out of a suitcase beside the couch.

'Sure,' he said, and flashed me a tentative smile before disappearing into the bathroom. As soon as he was out of the room I exhaled sharply; I hadn't realised I'd been holding my breath. Suppressing a shiver, I dialled Alice's familiar number and held the phone to my ear.

'Hey Bella!' She answered after the third ring. 'What's up?'

I explained to her what had happened, leaving out Edward's state of undress. 'Oh, Bella!' she cried, and I felt my heart sinking at those words. 'I have the interview for that grant today, I told you about it, remember? I won't be home until three at least.'

'Oh, right.' She _had_ told me about it. Alice was an aspiring fashion designer: she had magnificent designs, but was just lacking the money to go anywhere with it. Someone important had seen her ideas and applied for a grant on her behalf, and I'd completely forgotten about her interview. And after two, we wouldn't have time to get everything and for me to have my alone time. I wouldn't risk passing out at work again; I needed the money. 'I'll go on my own, then. No big deal.'

She sighed into the phone. 'I'm sorry, Bella. I'll make it up to you.'

I smiled, even though I knew she couldn't see me. I remembered hearing somewhere that you can tell whether someone's smiling or not when they talk on the phone. 'It's just shopping. Don't worry about it.'

As I replaced the phone in my handbag Edward came out of the shower, suitably dressed this time. He grinned at me a bit sheepishly. 'Sorry about that,' he said. He took in the sight on me sitting on the edge of his bed and grimaced. 'And that, too.' I stood up so that he could fold the bed back in, not bothering to tidy the sheets properly.

'Alice's at an interview,' I told him.

'Yeah, that's right. She mentioned something yesterday but left this morning before I got up. You didn't need her for anything important, did you?'

'Just needed to go food shopping. I'll be fine on my own, though.'

Edward smiled brightly. 'How about I go with you? I'll help you take the stuff back to your place afterward.'

'That's completely unnecessary,' I told him, stepping toward the door. 'I can manage by myself. Besides, what about Esme?'

He laughed. 'She went to go shopping for furniture. I'd love to come.' A strange look crossed his face abruptly. 'Unless…'

He thought I was afraid of him. The reminder of the fear made it rear its ugly head, but I squashed it back down. _I am not you anymore_, I told it, and told myself. 'Okay,' I said quickly, then blushed. 'You can come, if you want.'

He grinned at me and rummaged through his things hurriedly to find his wallet and phone. 'All right, I'm set,' he told me. 'Let's go shopping!'

I laughed at his mock enthusiasm and led the way out of the building. We caught a cab to the shopping complex since it was a little too far to walk, and within minutes we were walking through the doors of the overly-air-conditioned supermarket. Edward turned to me, smiling. 'So, have we got a list or are we guessing?'

I smiled at him sheepishly, surprised by how easy it was to be around him. 'Guessing today. Jacob usually shops by himself, but he couldn't today, and since I've just moved in its sort of the least I could do.'

His smile wavered for a moment, and then was replaced by a frown before it reappeared again. This time, however, it seemed a little forced. 'Okay,' he said, grabbing a trolley. 'Where to start?'

I led him around the supermarket, throwing things into the trolley that he pushed for me. The conversation was just as easy as his presence. 'So what do you do for fun in Forks?' he asked me, grimacing a little.

I laughed at the expression on his face. 'Forks isn't that bad, you know.'

He rolled his eyes. 'Uh-huh. But seriously, what do you do?'

Grabbing a tub of margarine from the fridge, I placed it in the trolley. 'Well I mainly just work and spend time with Alice and Rose. There's a couple clubs in Port Angeles, but the Nine's is pretty much all that's here in actual Forks. I used to paint a little, before –' I stopped, horrified. _Before I had Amy_, I'd been about to say, which was the easiest method of summing up that period in my life. He knew nothing of Amy, _could_ know nothing of Amy, but here I was, about to mention my daughter to this man I barely knew. And I'd been about to say so casually, too… I turned away, trying to regain some form of control over myself.

When I turned around he was waiting patiently a few metres away, frowning at the ground. When he saw me approaching he looked up and smiled hesitantly. 'I think that's everything for this aisle,' I said quietly, hoping that he'd go along with me and pretend nothing had happened.

He nodded slowly and walked with me to the next aisle. 'So are you really gonna play some music for me?' I asked him, eager for him to let go and show me a bit more of himself.

He laughed, and the sound of it made me relax completely again. 'I promised, didn't I? You'll hear me on the piano sometime.'

'Giving me one of your CD's doesn't count,' I warned him, and he muttered, "Damn" like he'd been caught out. 'And you have to sing for me, as well.'

Edward smiled at me crookedly. 'All right, I'll play the piano for you live and I'll sing for you. Before I leave for Chicago.'

We hailed another cab back to my apartment, since there was no way we'd make it with the bags we carried. In the backseat, I couldn't decide whether the silence was awkward or not since it happened so suddenly. 'Edward,' I said softly.

'Yes, Bella?' He turned from the window to smile at me. God, he smiled a lot.

Okay, now this was definitely awkward, but I needed to say this. 'I wanted to apologise for the first few days that you were here. There were some things that happened to me a few years ago that have made me a little… over-cautious.' Edward was completely serious now, staring at me intently but still friendly.

'You know that if you want to, you can talk to me about it?' he told me gently. 'I'll be here for you if you need me, at any time.'

Damn him, how could he make me want to cry so easily? I looked away so he wouldn't see my watery eyes. 'I can't talk about it. Just… know that something happened, and I'm trying to be better.' I turned back to look at him, desperate to get my next point across. 'Jacob's the only new man that I've become close to, in any way. But all of today, I haven't once been afraid of you.'

A warm smile spread across his face. 'Thankyou, Bella. I know I haven't known you long, but it feels amazing to hear that. I want to make you happy, and I think that maybe our friendship could do that, if I'm not being too forward.'

Edward was so sincere that at that moment all I wanted was to lean into him and let him wrap his arms around me. I settled for placing my hand on his forearm. 'I'd like that,' I told him, smiling back gently.

When we reached the apartment Edward carried most of the bags inside, letting me carry two bags. And not big bags, either: by the look of it, they were two of the smallest. I glared at him as I pulled my keys out of my bag. 'I'm not so fragile that I can't carry my own shopping inside,' I told him wryly.

Edward smirked. 'You're tiny. Almost as tiny as Alice, and she's the smallest adult I know. Could you really carry even half of this in by yourself, and manage the door?'

He did have a point. 'All right, fine.' I opened the door and pushed it open so he could go in first, since he was carrying at least eight heavy bags. I followed him in, closing the door behind me, and directed him to place the bags on the kitchen counter. 'Do you want a drink or something to eat?' I asked as I began taking items out of the bags.

'I'd much rather help you put these away,' he said, smiling crookedly down at me as his actions copied mine.

I put my hands over his, forcing him to stop. 'Edward, please. You've already gone out of your way to come shopping with me, you don't have to help me back things away in my own home. Besides, it'll only take a minute.'

His face was suddenly completely serious, and maybe a little cautious. Then he smiled again. 'Maybe. But it'll only be _half_ a minute if I help you.'

Rolling my eyes, I didn't bother to protest further. He was just so… persistent!

In truth, it probably took us longer to put away the shopping together, since I had to stop and tell him where most of the things went, and because I had to think about some things myself. When we were done we stood awkwardly in the kitchen.

'Um, do you want to come back to Alice's?' he asked, running his fingers through his hair. He checked his watch. 'She'll be back by now.'

I looked at the digital clock on the microwave and froze. 3:31. An hour and a half until I had to be at work. I'd been enjoying myself so much that I hadn't been paying attention to the time, and now I wouldn't have time to…

But I didn't _want _to.

Edward seemed to realise that he'd said something wrong. 'You don't have to if you don't want to,' he told me quietly. 'It was just a suggestion. If you have to… get ready for work…'

He was staring at my arms.

'I'll go,' I said quickly. 'Just let me get my clothes for work, and we can go.'

His eyes slowly crept back up to mine, and we stared at each other. His hand reached out for me again, but once more he stopped himself. 'Bella…' he said quietly. 'You'd tell me if you were afraid, wouldn't you?'

Not letting out gaze break, I nodded my head slowly.

'Why are you so comfortable with me suddenly?' he asked, his voice barely audible. I wasn't sure if the question was actually for me, but I chose to answer anyway.

'Because I like you,' I told him honestly. 'You're easy to be with, and you're genuine.' Finally I tore my eyes away. 'And I know you'll never hurt me. Somehow, I know.'

I grabbed my work clothes and we walked to Alice's in silence. 'Thankyou,' I said sincerely when we were close.

Edward looked down at me and smiled slightly. 'What for?'

I shrugged. 'For helping me with the shopping. And for getting me out of the house this afternoon.'

He said nothing, just nodded slightly.

When we walked into the apartment I felt light. I knew Edward didn't understand how much of a big deal it was that I wasn't at home right now, but I hadn't missed this on a weekday for years. I was addicted to the feeling – the weightlessness was my heroin. But today I didn't need it. Maybe I didn't other days. Today, despite the random moments of stress and strain, I was happy. Purely, utterly happy.

Well, almost. It was close enough for me.

Edward opened the door for us and I followed him inside. 'Hey, Alice,' I began, but the words I'd been about to say died on my lips when I saw the look on her face.

Alice stared at me anxiously from across the room, holding a large envelope in her hands. There was apprehension and fear in her eyes, and immediately I felt sick. What was going on?

Edward had noticed something, and stayed silently by my side, watching carefully. I barely noticed him as I stepped forward. 'Alice? What's wrong?'

'A letter was sent here for you,' she said after a long pause. 'They wouldn't know that you moved out. If you want I'll look at it first.'

I frowned at her, then at the envelope. 'Who is it from, Alice?'

'It's from Rebecca and Peter. It was her birthday last week, wasn't it?'

Her birthday. Amy's birthday.

_Oh, God._

**AN: Longest chapter yet! Yay for me! Got some pretty cool reviews last time, and it's those that make me want to keep writing (aside from the fact that I love this story) :). Hope Bella and Edward's interaction in this chapter was realistic, I'm pretty much guessing about how someone would react in Bella's situation. If anyone has any comments on how I could improve, then I'd really like to hear them!**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: A note on Peter and Rebecca's names. I wanted all of the names to be Twilight-related but I wanted Amy's adoptive parents to be parent-like, but since Carlisle and Esme were being used I decided to use their actors names in the movie. For some reason I thought Esme's actor was called Rebecca (it occurred to me a few minutes ago that Elizabeth Reazer was Rebecca in Grey's Anatomy) and I really don't want to go back and change it now. It's still sort of related to Twilight, so there :P Also, Jacob's sister's named Rebecca, right? And she's older, right? Mwahahaha**

**This chapter is dedicated to one of my awesome reviewers, Olympic1340. She gave me some pretty great advice and I used it to develop this chapter into something more dramatic. Although I know where the story's going and what I'm going to do with it, there's always room for change, and Olympic1340's advice made me make this chapter a little more interesting and move things along a bit.**

**P.S. Support world hunger relief week! 25c feeds a starving child for a day! Donate at KFC! (lol I'm **_**definitely**_** not promoting KFC at **_**all!!**_**)**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight. Edward owns me. (I even dreamt about Robert last night.)**

**Chapter Nine: Photographs**

EPOV

'Thankyou,' Bella said as we reached the entrance to Alice's apartment building.

I looked down at her and felt my lips being pulled up into a smile. _She _was thanking _me_? I'd had a fantastic day, and all we'd done was gone shopping. I did hope that I was beginning to make some difference in her life, and it was certainly starting to seem that way. When she'd told me that she wasn't afraid of me, that she enjoyed my company… that she knew I'd never hurt her… I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so proud of myself. Although I still didn't know the full story, I knew something extremely bad had happened to her, and it seemed like a big step to be able to trust a stranger so easily.

But I didn't know for sure what she meant in her gratitude, so I said, 'What for?'

She shrugged nonchalantly, but the expression on her face was still sincere. 'For helping me with the shopping,' she said. 'And for getting me out of the house this afternoon.'

Oh.

Did she know what I suspected? I'd assumed I was jumping to conclusions, since I couldn't see any marks at all on her wrists and arms, other than everyday bruises and scars. Maybe there _was_ something, and she assumed I'd guessed, but I'd just guessed wrong. Either way it seemed like it was a good thing for her that I'd managed to get her out of her apartment for the afternoon without many protests.

Upstairs, I opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind Bella. 'Hey, Alice,' she said, and the tone of her voice implied that more had been coming, but she stopped talking. I looked at Bella, confused, and followed her guarded gaze to Alice, who was standing by the kitchen counter. Alice stared at Bella uneasily, clutching a large white envelope in her tiny hands. Bella stepped forward slowly, staring at the envelope. 'Alice? What's wrong?' she asked, her voice wavering.

Alice hesitated for so long that I really thought she wasn't going to answer. 'A letter was sent here for you,' she said eventually. 'They wouldn't know that you've moved out. If you want I'll look at it first.'

'Who is it from, Alice?'

My cousin glanced at me quickly before returning her eyes to Bella. 'It's from Rebecca and Peter. It was her birthday last week, wasn't it?'

Her birthday? Who's birthday? Despite my confusion, I saw the look of horrified understanding come upon Bella's face. Bella backed up until she fell onto the couch. 'It's too thick to be just a letter,' Alice added quietly, not looking at Bella. 'I think there'll be photos in there, too.'

Bella was shaking noticeably as she pushed herself back onto her feet. 'I'll look at them. Can I use your bedroom?'

'Sure.' Alice handed the envelope over and put her arm comfortingly around Bella's shoulders. 'Do you want me to go with you?'

'No, I'll be okay. I think I'd rather have some privacy.'

Finally, Bella looked up at me. 'Edward, I'm so sorry I ruined our afternoon. It was good up until now, wasn't it?'

'It was,' I insisted, not knowing how I could help her other than agreeing with her – and it was the truth, anyway. 'It was a great day. I understand.'

She shook her head slowly. 'No, you don't. But I'll make you. I'll tell you so you can understand. But not now.'

With her bottom lip trembling, she fled to Alice's room.

Alice stared at me in what was obviously shock for a few seconds, and then pushed me roughly into a seat. 'Tell me what happened today. All of it.'

I told her what happened from the moment I'd answered the door 'till us walking back in just a few minutes ago. Alice kept interrupting me, but I told her that if she didn't wait until I'd finished she wouldn't hear anymore, so she begrudging waited until I'd finished recounting my afternoon before overloading me with questions. 'So first of all, you answered the door in just a towel and she didn't scream and run away?'

I felt incredibly awkward talking about her like this when she was in the next room, so I defended her a bit. 'Well, she did tried to leave, but I think it was more embarrassment than anything else.'

Alice's face was incredulous. 'So, she didn't run away after seeing you half-naked, she willingly held your hands, she freaked out at one stage and came back without a fuss. She came here instead of staying home for a bit before work – and no, I'm not going into that, but it is a massive big deal – and just then, right then, she promised to tell you everything. What is going _on,_ Edward?'

I shrugged, not sure what she was getting at. Sure, I knew it was a big deal, all of it was. But why did Alice seem angry?

'Nothing's going on. We're friends. She trusts me. I'm trying to help her.'

Alice looked furious now. It was amazing how intimidating how she could be for such a tiny person. 'She's not some kind of experiment,' she hissed at me. 'She's a human being! What are you doing, Edward? "Let's see if I can fix poor Bella before I have to go home"? And what happens when you befriend her, make her happy, and then you leave? What are you going to do then, Edward, when it gets worse because she's come to rely on you and you go back to Chicago?'

I stared at her. What else could I do? It had never occurred to me that our friendship could hurt her. 'I'll be staying for a while,' I told Alice quietly. 'Then I'll call her, and she can call me.'

Alice sighed heavily and slumped on the couch next to me. 'Just keep in mind how fragile she is, Edward. You're my cousin, but she's my best friend. She needs me.'

After a few minutes of silence Alice got up. 'I'm going to check on her.'

I jumped to my feet beside her. 'I'll go too.'

'Don't be stupid,' she snapped at me. 'Don't push your luck. If she wants you, she'll come to you.'

Reluctantly, I sat back down. I watched Alice walk quickly to her bedroom and close the door behind her, and then I stared at the door, willing it to open and for Bella to come out to me.

BPOV

Closing the door carefully behind me, I stepped into Alice's familiar bedroom and sat on the bed, turning the envelope over in my hands. Alice was right: definitely thick enough for photographs. The writing on the front – my name and my old address – was a neat, elegant script. I stared at the return address on the back: Peter and Rebecca Facinelli. The address said Phoenix – I didn't know they'd moved.

After at least five minutes of staring at the envelope, I bit the bullet and tore it open. There _were_ photos inside, but I took out the folded piece of paper first.

_Dear Bella,_

_We hope this letter finds you well. You may have noticed from the return address that we've moved to Arizona, Peter and I really like it here. We think Amy does too; she seems to like the sunshine._

_Amy's doing really well. She's walking really capably now, and is picking up more words each day. I know you asked for minimal contact, and we want you to know that we're still very okay with that, but I thought you'd like to see how your daughter's doing. I've included some photos from Amy's second birthday party. My sister has a baby of a similar age and they get on really well together._

_Peter and I also wanted to check with you again on how you stand with what Amy knows. She calls me "mum" and Peter "dad". We never actually really talked about whether we should tell Amy from the start, or wait until she'll properly understand what it means. As always, if at any time you decide you want to meet her, you're welcome to come and visit, or we'll come to you._

_I've also included our new phone number, in case you need to get in touch with us. If you're not up to calling, feel free to just write back. Like I said, the new address is on the back of the envelope._

_Say hello to your friends Alice and Rosalie from Peter and I._

_Kind Regards,_

_Rebecca (and Peter)_

I re-folded the now wet piece of paper and put it on the bed beside me. I heard the sound of angry voices coming from the living room, and cursed myself for upsetting them. It was just a letter, right? They were just photos, right? Then why was it so hard to look at them?

I pulled the small pile of photographs out of the envelope and stared down at the first one. Rebecca was sitting at a table with a pink cake in front of her, holding a small child in her arms. Amy. My Amy.

She was beautiful. I'd seen a couple pictures from earlier in her life, and I remembered her from the birth, but the girl in this photo was individual, not just another baby. She was Amy, Amy was her. This was my daughter. My daughter had identity, now.

I moved to the next photo. Apparently Amy had leant forward and plopped both of her hands into the cake. I smiled weakly. I wished I was there, laughing at my daughter up to her elbows in cake.

I wanted my daughter.

I wanted to get away from my thoughts. I couldn't deal with this now.

Oh, God. What was I doing here?

I heard the door open quietly and Alice stepped inside. 'Bella? Are you all right?'

Putting the photos on the bed beside me, I stood up, wringing my hands. 'I'm fine. Alice, I need to relax. Do you think it'll be okay if I take a bath to relax?'

Alice nodded immediately, although confusion passed across her face briefly. 'Of course. I'll call the Nine's for you and tell them you can't come in tonight, Eric won't mind, Monday's always quiet. I'll get Rosalie over and we'll kick the boys out, we'll have a girls night in, how does that sound?'

'Great,' I said, although I hadn't been paying attention to most of that.

I grabbed a clean towel out of the cupboard and walked quickly into the bathroom, not looking at Edward as I walked past him. I could feel his eyes on me and felt relieved when I closed the door between us.

Once the bathtub was full I locked the door and undressed quickly, pulling the pocketknife out of the pocket I'd slipped it into before leaving my handbag in Alice's room. Starting to get desperate now, I slid into the water and immediately pressed the blade hard against my thigh, cutting deeper than usual in my need to feel the weightlessness_ now._

After cutting the other thigh I leaned back, dropping the knife on the tiled floor.

I didn't want her to be beautiful. I didn't want to want her. I wanted to hate her for being the result of what made me this way. She was a reminder of the night of my parents' death, a reminder of the way my body had been used for some sick stranger's enjoyment. I didn't want to miss that. I couldn't even think of her without thinking of that night; how could I miss her? How could I love her?

Those same thoughts went through my head over and over again as the tears ran down my cheeks and the bathwater turned a darker shade of pink. I could hear Alice and Edward talking on the other side of the wall, but I didn't listen to the words. Faintly, I heard the apartment door open and close, and for a moment I panicked, until I realised that Alice wouldn't leave me alone with Edward while I was like this.

I don't know how long I lay there for, but eventually I knew it was time to get up and clean the bathroom. I tried to raise my arms to grab the edges of the bathtub and push myself up, but they felt so heavy. It took me a few tries, but finally I was able to lift myself up. My arms shook from the effort.

My hands slipped and I fell back down. I heard the loud splash of my body hitting the water and felt my head crack loudly against the top of the bathtub before awareness fled.

EPOV

'Rosalie's car's broken down. Can you go pick her up for me?'

I stared at Alice incredulously. 'Alice, I have no idea where Rosalie lives. And even if you told me the address like you were just about to, I would have no idea how to get there, since this is the first time I've ever been to Forks.'

Alice scowled. 'Well I can't leave Bella here with you, and she'll need Rose here tonight. What do you expect me to do?'

'I'm sure Bella will be fine with me here. She's probably going to be a while, and you know I'd never hurt her. She said she trusts me.'

'Yes, Edward, but does she trust you enough that she's fine with being alone in my apartment with you while she's naked and vulnerable?'

'It might help if you told me what was in that letter to make her so upset,' I snapped.

Alice sighed. 'Edward, it's nothing against you. It's just not mine to tell. She said she'd tell you, so she probably will. Sometimes it hurts to be reminded of things you loved and lost, I think.' She stood up. 'I'll go get Rosalie, but I'll be really quick. Hopefully I'll be back before she gets out, but if I'm not just… I don't know, be gentle.'

I nodded, understanding what she was trying to say. Be gentle, be comfortable, don't make her scared or awkward.

I told myself it was stupid, but a few minutes after Alice had left I walked up to the bathroom door. 'Bella?' I called softly. There was no response, but I figured that maybe she didn't want to speak to me. That was all right, though: I'd just speak to her. 'Bella, I'm sorry that I can't understand why you're upset. I'm sorry that I can't help you. But I want to. I want to make you happy, and make you comfortable, and make you carefree. I'd like to think that I'm making a difference with you, like you're making with me. I love Chicago, but I'm here for Esme and now I'm here for you, and when I'm with you I don't worry about any of my troubles back home. Tanya's the furthest thing from my mind, and life feels so easy around you.

'I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. Alice said she's worried about what you'll be like when I leave, but I'll stay as long as you want me here. I really like you, Bella, and I want you to be happy. I think I need a friend like you right now, so I'll be here as long as you need me.'

There was still no reply. What if she didn't want me around, and that's why she remained silent. I felt… warm, after saying those things. All of it was the truth: I knew I could easily grow to need her, and already I found myself not wanting to return to Chicago. Today had been a good start, and we could build on that.

'Bella?' I called when there was still no response. I was beginning to worry. What if something had happened? What if she'd fallen asleep and sunk into the water?

No.

'Bella!' I tried the doorknob, but it was locked, just like I knew it would be. I knocked on the door, thinking that if she were awake she'd sense my desperation and call out. I hoped that was it, that she was just frightened of me, but I couldn't quite convince myself. And there was still no sound from the other side.

Knowing Alice would kill me if it was nothing, I took a step back and kicked the door open. It gave easily, and I jumped into the bathroom.

The water was red.

Bella was lying in the bath, almost completely submerged in the dark pink water. Just enough of her head was above the water, just enough for her to breathe. Her eyes were closed, like she was sleeping, but I knew she was dead. There was too much blood. That had to be too much blood.

'No,' I whispered, feeling tears on my cheeks. I knelt on the wet tiles beside the bath and stared dumbly at the small pocketknife that must have been what had done the deed. Raising my head, I looked again at Bella. She could have been great. She could have been brilliant. But now…

Hang on.

Was that…?

Tiny ripples marked the water right in front of her head. Just as if her breath was drawing across the water…

Trying to stop my hand from shaking, I reached out and held my hand in front of her mouth. I could feel the slight disturbance that was her breath, but it was faint.

Moving my hand under the water, I felt for her neck. And found her pulse.

She was alive.

But for how much longer?

With a strangled cry, I pulled her from the water and held her to me, searching her body for the source of the blood. I had to clean away a lot of the water before I found the two gashes on her thighs. I pressed a towel between her legs and wrapped another around her body tightly to keep the first one in place. 'Bella,' I whispered, holding her head up. 'Bella, please wake up. Stay alive.'

I felt and saw her stir slightly and felt immediate relief, even though I knew it wasn't over yet. 'Ed…' she began, but couldn't seem to finish the word.

'That's right, love, just stay awake. I've got you, I'm not going to hurt you. It's going to be okay.'

'Edwar…'

I heard the main door to the apartment open. 'Edward? Where are you? I'm back.'

'Alice!' I cried. 'Call an ambulance!'

**AN: Thought it was about time we got into some more interesting stuff.**

**Tell me what you thought of this chapter, I hope it was okay.**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: I love the response this is getting! I've been having trouble with my computer at home so if I'm not replying to your reviews it's because my Internet shuts down when I try to do anything worthwhile.**

**Listened to Robert Pattinson's music for the first time today. I downloaded a couple songs and his singing voice is completely not what I expected, but I like it anyway. Isn't he just perfect?**

**And OME theatrical Twilight trailer soon! With apparently a kiss!**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight. Edward owns me. I think Robert's starting to as well :)**

**Chapter Ten: An Open Heart**

BPOV

Things slowly began to come back to me. The first thing was sound.

I could hear voices nearby, but it took me a few minutes to realise whose voices they were, and a few more to understand what the words meant.

'Give me his number. I'll call him, if you won't.'

'I'm not telling you his number. He's not going to find out!'

'Why not? Don't you think he has a right to know?'

There was a pause, and a sigh. 'Yes, I think he has a right to know. But she wouldn't want him to. I told him she's staying at my house the night. He understands more than you think.'

There was another pause, longer this time. 'I suspected this. But there were no marks on her wrists; I thought I must be wrong. I never thought of this.'

I felt a warm hand brush across my cheek. 'I didn't think it was still this bad. I knew she used to… do this… well, quite a lot, and I knew she still must sometimes. I know she tells Jacob that she comes to my house in the afternoons before work. But there are so many fresh scars… and to think she was so desperate that she felt the need to do it at my apartment while we were there…'

There was silence for what felt like a few minutes, but I wasn't really sure. I still wasn't sure where I was, and their words made no sense to me. 'Edward, thank you for finding her. I don't know how she's going to react when she wakes up, but I'm grateful.' Her voice got extremely quiet. 'And I hope she is, too.'

'I feel horrible,' Edward said, and he sounded like it, too. 'How could I not have noticed?'

'Edward, you went in only a few minutes after I left. I didn't notice either. We're just lucky that you went in there.'

I finally let my eyes open. Alice was sitting close by, in a seat beside the bed. It looked like a hospital room. A hospital? Oh.

Oh.

Edward was sitting on her other side. Both of them looked… miserable. Devastated. There were obvious tear-streaks on Alice's face, and Edward looked angry. Was he angry with me?

'I'm sorry,' I said. For some reason I expected my voice to be broken and hoarse, but it came out clear. Both of them looked to me immediately, and I winced at the wounded look they both bore. 'I didn't mean for this to happen.'

Alice moved to sit on the bed and wrapped her arms around me. 'Oh, Bella. Do you want to talk about it?'

I shook my head. 'It won't help this, Alice.' I pulled away enough to look at Edward. He said nothing, but the anguish on his face surprised me a little. I turned back to Alice. 'What happened?'

Closing her eyes, she turned her head away. 'You must have hit your head in the bath. I left to pick Rosalie up, and while I was gone Edward tried speaking to you. When you didn't reply he got worried, and he broke down the door. He pulled you out of the bath. He saved your life.'

I watched as he put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. He gripped it like he wanted to pull it out. Seeing him so upset, I felt immensely guilty for making such an honest, genuine person feel that way. 'Alice, can you please go and get us some coffee?'

Alice pulled away and looked down at me, confusion on her features. 'Sure, I guess,' she said slowly, glancing at Edward quickly before looking back to me. 'Okay. I won't be long.'

After she left I felt even more awful for causing the hurt look on her face as she glanced back at us on her way out, but there were things I needed to say to Edward, and I didn't want more than one person to see me weak. Alice knew me well enough to know what I had to explain to Edward, and I wanted him to understand, too.

'I am sorry,' I told him quietly. 'I never wanted you to find out like that.'

Finally he looked up at me. His eyebrow was raised in question, but his eyes were still pained. 'Or at all?'

'Or at all,' I agreed. He sighed and looked away again. 'Edward, I didn't do it to kill myself. I wouldn't do that to you or Alice. It's just something that I have to do –'

'Have to do? How often does this happen, Bella? Is this what you do when Jacob thinks your with Alice and Alice pretends things aren't as serious as they are?'

I couldn't understand why he was so angry with me. I desperately wanted him to look back at me, so I could properly explain what I needed him to understand. 'I thought we could be friends,' I said in a small voice. 'Why are you so angry with me?'

Edward leaned forward in his plastic chair, gripping the sides hard with both hands. 'I'm angry with you because I almost lost you today, Bella! And I'm angry with myself because what if I'd waited before going in? What if you'd bled out, or if your head had slipped beneath the water? I want to make you happy, Bella.'

Oh, how I wanted him to succeed. 'I don't think I can be happy, Edward,' I told him honestly. 'You don't know the truth. Even Jacob doesn't know. I can't be happy with what I've been through.'

'Then tell me the truth,' he said earnestly. 'Make me understand.'

I shook my head. 'Not today. I can't do this today.'

The tears began too easily again, and Edward stepped forward to sit on the bed. I waited for the panic – heightened by my current state of vulnerability – to kick in, but it didn't, even as he wrapped his arms around me. I pressed my face against his chest, finding something comforting about the different shape and feel of him. Even through my distress I could tell he smelt wonderful.

His hand began to stroke my hair slowly, and it was these careful movements that eventually calmed me. 'I'm sorry,' I whispered again.

'It's fine,' he said just as quietly. 'It's not that wet.'

I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. 'I don't care about your shirt. I'm sorry for putting you through this when you barely even know me.' I pressed my face against his chest again, warming at the feeling. 'I'm really trying. But sometimes it's just so hard. And you don't understand.'

* * *

EPOV

_You don't understand._

I stared out of the window in the backseat of Alice's car on the way home from the hospital. Bella had been discharged just after 6:30, and we'd grabbed some take out on the way back. My conversation with Bella had been running through my mind since it had ended.

She allowed me close to her, she let me hold her. She felt safe with me. And yet she still wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Didn't she know I only wanted to help?

Didn't she realise that her smile made my heart skip?

_Don't be ridiculous_, I told myself. She has a boyfriend, I have Tanya. I like to see her smile because she's a nice girl and she deserves to be happy. End of story.

But what about the way I felt when I saw her lying in the bathtub, and all I could think was that she was dead, and my life was over, too?

And what about the way I couldn't truly breathe until she opened her eyes and I knew she was going to be okay?

Esme answered the door and let us in quietly. Alice had called them while Bella was unconscious and filled them in on everything. I had to take the phone off her at one point and finish explaining because Alice was crying too heavily to talk properly.

Bella walked to the couch and flicked on the television. I followed Alice into the kitchen to help her get some plates, and as I did I walked past the bathroom. The door was open, and I could see no trace of blood. Alice must have noticed too, because she said to Esme in a quiet voice so that Bella wouldn't hear, 'You didn't have to clean that.'

'Yes I did,' she whispered back. Esme walked up to me and hugged me tightly. 'Are you okay?'

I nodded my head slightly, although I knew I wasn't. But I had to pretend to be okay, because Bella couldn't be okay if we weren't.

All the others went to bed early, leaving me alone in the lounge room, sitting on the couch with the television on mute. Alice rang Jacob and told him that Bella wasn't feeling too well, and that she didn't go to work and was staying the night here. Whatever he thought of her vague words, he didn't stay on the phone with her for long. Bella was sleeping in Alice's room, and the two of them went in a little after nine. Esme and Carlisle retired not long after that, and there was nothing on TV that could distract me from the day's events. How could such a great day go so horribly wrong?

After staring at the screen for half an hour I got up pulled the bed out, stripping quickly down to my boxers and sitting under the covers. I turned the sound up on the television but kept it low, hoping that the sound would help to distract me from the thoughts disturbing the peace in my mind.

I had a desperate urge to talk to Tanya, which I fervently ignored. I wanted to tell her that I didn't want to pretend to think about things anymore, because she wasn't what I wanted, and that's what it really came down to. I didn't want to have kids, but that was just an excuse compared to the real reason. I didn't love her, and I never really had, but she loved me. That had been enough, but it wasn't anymore. I didn't want someone who loved me, I wanted someone who I loved.

Did I love Bella Swan?

No. Did she interest me? Did I want to know her, _really_ know her? Yes. Was I physically attracted to her? Yes. But did I love her, after not even a week of knowing her?

Of course not. Love at first sight is a myth. What was this then: infatuation? Was it even that?

But if it wasn't love, what was the insane feeling of being lost I had felt when I thought she wasn't alive? Did you feel something that strong for someone you didn't love?

Yes, I told myself. You felt that way for your family, and your friends, and you don't love them like that. I love Bella like a friend, and that's all. A friend with an amazing smile and amazing eyes and an amazing smell, and an amazing way of making you feel like everything's all right in the world when you're with her…

Those were the thoughts I was trying to ignore. It wasn't working very well.

The soft clicking of a door brought reality back to me, and I watched with horror as Bella's small figure tiptoed out of Alice's bedroom. She froze when she saw me, and then relaxed her tense stance. 'You're awake,' she whispered.

I fought a smile. 'Yep. So're you.'

She smiled thinly. 'I couldn't sleep. I was getting a drink of water.'

I didn't reply, not knowing what to say. What could I say, with the thoughts that were still racing through my mind? Bella walked around the counter into the kitchen and poured a glass of water, the only sound her quiet footsteps on the tiles and the running of the water.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she walked back into the lounge room and stood by the edge of the couch. I waited for her to say something or to leave, but she did neither, and I began to feel awkward. 'I couldn't sleep either,' I told her, breaking the silence.

'What are you watching?'

'I don't even know,' I admitted. 'I wasn't really watching it. It's a movie; I'm not sure what it's about. I think this one only started a few minutes ago, if you want to watch it.'

I turned my head to look at her, and caught her staring at my bare chest. I cursed inwardly, wishing I'd thought to wear a shirt to bed since she was staying here. 'If you want I'll –'

'It's fine,' she said quickly. She turned her glance dubiously to the folded out bed. 'Do you think you could… um… move over a little, though?'

'Of course.' I shuffled over so that I was sitting on one side of the bed instead of the middle, making sure that the blanket covered my bottom half completely as I did so and giving her plenty of room to herself. She sat down on the bed, stretching her legs out in front of her but wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach. I stared at her legs – she was wearing full-length flannel pyjama bottoms, despite the warmth.

We sat in silence for a long time, but I still found myself unable to pay attention to the movie. Now all I could feel was a desperate misery; how could someone so beautiful all around be so unhappy? It wasn't right.

'Do you want to talk about it?' I said, needing to hear her voice to convince myself that she was all right.

'Give me a minute,' she said, keeping her eyes locked on the television. 'I'm working my way up to it.'

I fought a smile again. How could I even want to smile at a time like this? But I thought I saw her lips twitch, too, and that made me feel better.

'I don't know how much Alice or Esme has told you,' she told me quietly, after a few minutes hesitation. She still didn't look at me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. 'It all happened while Esme spent those few months here, remember? I wouldn't have survived it then without her and Alice being here for me.'

Bella took a deep, shuddering breath, and I reached out to touch her, stopping just before my hand came in contact with her shoulder. 'You don't have to explain it to me, Bella, if you don't want to. I don't think any less of you, and I don't judge you.'

Shaking her head, she smiled at me, but it was a dead smile. 'I want you to understand. I haven't trusted anyone like I trust you in a while, and I want you to know me like I want to know you.'

She paused once more before continuing, and this time I didn't interrupt her. 'When I was seventeen my parents were killed. Murdered. There were three men, and I don't know whether they thought the house was empty or they just didn't care. But they broke into our house. My father must have heard them; he went downstairs with a baseball bat, but a baseball bat's no match for bullets.

'The gunshot woke my mum up, but I'd fallen asleep with my iPod in and the music was still playing so loud that it didn't wake me up. I didn't hear them shoot my mother, or hear them come into my room.' Her voice was shaking now; she was shaking, and I couldn't think past my need to comfort her. Without letting myself dwell on the possible repercussions, I slid closer to her and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her against my chest much like we'd sat in the hospital. Just like then, she didn't flinch away now. She tightened her arms around herself, and I mimicked her, wrapping both arms around her and holding her tightly against me.

She started to cry silently, and I knew it that moment that I'd do absolutely anything to stop those tears. 'One of them held me against the bed, keeping me as still as they could. Another held a gun to my head. He told me that if I screamed I'd be as gone as my parents: I didn't really understand his words at the time, but they still terrified me enough to keep me near silent while the other one –' Bella pressed her face against my arm as her body began to shudder more violently in her silent sobs. I closed my eyes, wishing I could blink away the tears on my own cheeks. Even the rage that I felt for these three nameless men for touching this tiny angel in my arms was encompassed by the sorrow that was resonating from her.

'Please tell me that these men were brought to justice, Bella,' I whispered, not trusting myself to voice anything louder.

'They were. My dad was the police chief here in Forks, and his friends stopped at nothing to avenge him and his family.'

The previous silence resumed as she let me take in the facts of her past. I stared down at her in amazement. It all made sense now: the way she'd reacted to both Carlisle and me, how she'd first avoided any closeness at all between us. What didn't make sense was how she was able to suddenly be so close to me now. How was she strong enough to handle it? Although I'd guessed that she'd been abused in some way, I hadn't imagined that it had been tied to such an extremely tragic even as her parent's death. I couldn't see how she could be healed enough, after only a few years, to even be in the same room as another man.

Did she trust Jacob enough? She must, to have moved in together. Was it hard for her, to sleep in the same bed as him, to make love to him?

'Jacob doesn't know, does he?' I said as the realisation hit me. 'He doesn't know any of this.'

'No.' Her voice was weak. 'He doesn't know anything other than my parents were killed. Alice, Rosalie and Esme are my only friends who know all of it, and Emmett and Jasper. But there's more…'

She pulled away from me enough to be able to look at me, though I kept my arms wrapped around her and she didn't seem to mind. What more could there possibly be? Wasn't this more than enough for one poor girl to handle? 'I have a daughter,' she told me. 'Her name's Amy.'

A daughter. I searched her face, trying to understand what this meant for her. She searched mine, obviously trying to understand my reaction. When she didn't say anything further I realised that my reaction wasn't enough for her. 'Tell me about her,' I said, the only thing I wanted right then.

Bella looked away. 'It was her second birthday last week. She lives in Phoenix with two of the nicest people I've ever known: Peter and Rebecca. I couldn't ask for better parents for her than them. The letter I got today was about them. It was her second birthday last week…'

Her voice trailed off. She was staring at the television screen again, but I didn't think she was really watching it. When she spoke again there was wonder and fear in her voice. 'She's so beautiful. I don't want to want her. I don't want to be reminded constantly of what happened to me and my parents. And that's all she'd be, right? I don't want to want to meet her. And I don't want to regret giving my baby away.'

Her face scrunched up again, and I reached out slowly to smooth the wrinkles around her eyes. 'It's okay to miss her. She's a part of you; she always will be. Nothing will ever change that.'

She looked up at me, and her eyes were completely open to me, windows to her soul. I saw all the pain, all the misery, but there were shreds of hope mixed in there too. 'I don't know why it's so easy to talk to you,' she whispered. 'I can't even tell Jacob about any of this in case he turns away from me. Yet all I want is for you to know everything about me, to understand who I am and why I'm like this.'

Moving slowly so she'd know my intentions, I pulled her close to me once more and felt her press her face against my chest. I laid my cheek against the top of her head, breathing in the strawberry scent of her hair. 'I'm here to talk to as long as you want me,' I told her softly. 'At any time.'

She sniffed loudly. 'I don't want you to go back to Chicago,' she admitted. 'Is that ridiculous?'

I had to stop myself from smiling. 'It's not ridiculous. I don't want to go back.'

'What about your music? What about your girlfriend? Will you tell me about her?'

Oh great, Tanya. 'Not tonight. I think that, if you're ready, you could use some sleep. Today's been a long day.'

Bella pulled back and stared at me levelly for a moment before smiling slightly. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. 'Thankyou for listening. And understanding.'

With that she slipped off the bed and quickly walked back to Alice's bedroom, closing the door quietly behind her.

Flicking the television off, I lay down on the bed and pulled the covers up over my shoulders. What she had said explained… well, everything. She was worried Jacob would judge her; how could anyone think any less of her for what she'd been through? Without a doubt I admired her more, for being strong enough to be around any man. And a daughter… Wow.

It was a long time before I got to sleep.

**AN: Finished this at 1am. If it's not that great, sue me. Hope you did like it, though. Tell me what you thought.**

**I've almost finished another chapter, but after that I might not be updating for maybe a week. I've got a massive workload for school which I've left to the last minute because I've been writing this too much, and I really need to get that done before I put too much time into this. Depending on how things go at school next week, though, we'll see how it goes.**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: All right, so I lied. I tried to do homework. For like, five whole minutes. I swear I tried! Here's the next chapter of a story I can't keep away from. It's a bit of a nice, light change, since I thought that realistically people can't survive being so depressed all the time. And Bella and Edward can't fall in love properly with all this sadness around, right?**

**I love Monopoly :)**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight. Whoever created Monopoly owns that. I own this plot, and Edward Cullen owns me :)**

**Chapter Eleven: Monopoly**

BPOV

When I opened my eyes, I was alert at once. I knew immediately where I was, what I was doing there. I clearly remembered everything that had happened yesterday, from going shopping with Edward to Rebecca's letter, from my disastrous alone time to my conversation with Edward last night.

What did he think of me now? He hadn't reacted badly last night, but that didn't mean anything. He must be good at hiding how he felt, since he hadn't acted repulsed by me, and how could he not be? I was broken, useless. I was a mother. Did he see me as old, now, because of that?

Despite my worries over what he thought of me now, I couldn't regret telling him everything last night. I'd told him he was easy to talk to, but I don't think he understood just how easy it was to lay myself bear and wait for him to tread all over me. Was it wrong that I revealed all my secrets to someone I barely knew, while I couldn't trust my boyfriend enough to tell him?

And as for the issue of trust… I'd never let anyone hold me like I'd let Edward hold me last night. And it had felt _so good_. With his arms holding me so tightly, pressed so firmly against his chest, I felt safer than I had in a long while. It was okay to cry about my love for my daughter, and it was okay to remember the things I'd been through. It was impossible that it had been so easy to tell him everything, but I'd been able to forget the boundaries that kept me from knowing him. I wasn't a broken, beaten mother. He wasn't a threat. I was a girl who had a story, and he was a man who would listen, and not judge. It didn't matter that I was vulnerable, and he was strong enough to overpower me ten times over. It didn't matter that he was shirtless, and I knew he probably wore next to nothing underneath the blanket. He was warm, he was comfort, and he was a friend.

The absence of a warm body beside me alerted me to the fact that Alice was already up. Without looking at the time, or bothering to check my appearance – I knew I'd look horrible anyway, after such a horrible day and last night's crying – I went into the lounge room.

I was prepared for their stares and for their sympathy, but somehow it took a bit of extra effort to make myself ready for Edward's rejection. They were all up, and they all looked over to me as I walked into the room, but it was Edward's eyes I sought first. He looked up from his conversation with Carlisle and smiled at me. Breathing a small sigh of relief, I smiled faintly. 'Morning.'

The room seemed to relax with me. 'Morning,' they mumbled together. As their returned to their previous conversations I walked into the kitchen and put two slices of bread into the toaster. When I turned around to get some margarine out of the fridge Alice was standing behind me. 'How're you doing today, Bella?' she asked quietly.

I smiled reassuringly. 'I'm fine. Just a little exhausted still, I think.' The smile slipped away. 'Alice, I'm just want this not to be a big deal, all right? I don't do it to kill myself. I do it because it lessens the pain. I wish you didn't have to know –'

'Is the pain so great?' she whispered, interrupting me. 'Is there no other way to relieve it?'

There was nothing I could say to her. I hugged her close for a moment before pulling away.

'I think you should stay home from work again tonight,' she said. 'We'll do something today to help distract everyone, and go out for dinner tonight or something. If you want to see Jacob we can get him to come around once he's finished work.'

'I don't want to see Jacob,' I told her. 'And I don't want him to know about this at all.'

Alice's eyes were sympathetic – just what I didn't need. 'Bella, Jacob knows something's up. He worries about you more than you think, and what do you think he thought when I told him you weren't up to going to work, or going home last night. He spoke to you on the phone yesterday, and he knew you were fine then.'

'Today is happy,' I explained. 'Today is distraction. I don't want to have to worry about what I'm going to tell him.'

'So tell him now and get it out of the way.'

'No. I'll go home later tonight when he'll be in bed. Now, what are we going to do today?'

'We'll talk about that in a minute,' she said as my toast popped and I started to butter it. 'I want to talk about Edward,' she told me, dropping her voice slightly more. I looked up to see if Edward noticed, but he remained in his conversation with Carlisle. I kept my eyes on him as Alice kept talking. 'I know you left last night, and you didn't come back for a while. Did you talk to him?'

I nodded slowly, still slightly amazed at myself. 'Yeah, I did. I told him about everything.'

I could feel Alice staring at me despite the fact that I wasn't looking at her. 'And?'

'And he listened.' As I spoke Edward looked up at us. When he saw me watching him he smiled crookedly. I smiled back. 'And it was okay. He's a really good guy, Alice.'

Alice didn't move or speak as I put the margarine back in the fridge and the knife in the sink. 'Bella, you know he has to go home at some point.'

My smile drooped. Why did that make me feel so miserable all of a sudden? 'I know. But for while he's here, I think he'll be a good friend.'

Because none of us were creative enough to think of anything interesting to do, we got out our old Monopoly board. It was one of the most unoriginal things we could have done, but who didn't have fun playing Monopoly? So what if I sucked at it, it was fun anyway. After nearly two hours of playing I had three dollars left with no houses on any of my properties, and Esme and Edward were miles in front. I was holding my money under the table so no one knew how in trouble I was, and I was praying with all I had that I'd land on Go before I had to cough up any money.

It was my turn to roll. Four tiny dots faced upwards on the dice, and that led me to… Community Chest. Right. Come on, first prize in a beauty contest!

_Go to the nearest railroad and pay the owner double the amount_

Shit.

There was no way that they'd let me get away with faking what the card said. They'd make me show them if I said it told me to take money from the bank: Alice had played with me enough to know how I worked. And none of them would buy my properties off of me. This was it. Bankrupt.

Something brushed against my thigh, making me jump slightly. Edward's hand, holding three fifties. I looked up at him, startled. He smiled from beside me.

'Come on, Bella, what does it say? Are you bankrupt yet?'

I poked my tongue out at Alice. 'No,' I said, but I meant the words for Edward.

He bumped his hand against my leg again.

I shook my head slightly.

He took my hand with the one holding the money and then twisted his fingers out, leaving the fifties in my hand.

_Cheater_, I thought. Suppressing a sigh, I moved my tiny shoe to the closest railroad – which happened to be owned by Edward. He beamed down at me, and I could only roll my eyes. 'Have your stupid money,' I snapped jokingly, handing him two of the fifties.

'Bella's a sore loser,' Alice whispered theatrically to Carlisle, who was sitting beside her. 'She'll be bankrupt soon. I don't know how she's lasted this long.'

I stuck my tongue out at her again and waited while Esme took her turn.

Somehow, I managed to pass around the board a couple of times without landing on anything too hazardous. When I had enough money stashed to know that I wouldn't miss the excess, I took two hundred pounds and bumped Edward's leg softly, offering a little extra for the loan. He didn't acknowledge me, but continued the joking conversation he was having with his sister. I bumped him harder.

'No, you know who's the worst Monopoly player ever?' he said, laughing. 'Your friend Siobhan back in Chicago. She buys all she can when she first starts, and runs out of money way too quickly.'

I kicked him, but he didn't look at me.

'Yeah, I guess you're right. But you know who it sucks the most to play with?' Esme said.

'Who?' Carlisle asked.

'Emmett.'

We all groaned. I took cover in the noise and kicked Edward harder, pinching his leg at the same time. He winced slightly, then smirked. He still didn't look down at me.

'I've never met someone who plays more annoyingly,' Esme continued. 'You haven't played with him yet, Carlisle, and you don't want to.'

'He makes it his mission each game to buy one property from each colour so that no one can build any houses at all.'

Edward's hand folded around mine carefully, closing it with the paper notes held inside. He moved our hands over to my lap and held them there. I scowled up at him. 'It's your turn, Bella,' he said lightly, putting the dice in front of me with his other hand.

Without really paying attention I rolled the two dice. I didn't realise until the last minute where my roll put me.

Mayfair.

Which had a hotel.

Oh, perfect.

Snatching my hand out of Edward's grasp, I unfolded the notes to count how much I'd be short by.

I frowned, figuring I must have counted wrong. I didn't have that number before. But after I'd counted another two times it was still the same.

And then I remembered Edward's hand folding mine closed… with more notes in it?

That bastard.

I turned to berate Edward – discovery be damned – but he wasn't looking at me. Or the game. He was frowning as he looked down at a small mobile phone in his hand. After a moment he pressed a few buttons and put the phone away, but when he returned his attention to the game I felt too awful to upset him any further. I put the right money on the table for Esme.

I was the first to go bankrupt, despite Edward's help. He cheered up by the end of the game, which might have had something to do with the fact that Esme landed repeatedly on a few of his properties – all with hotels – and had to fork out lots of cash, which put him in a long lead and an eventual win.

'You suck,' Esme said childishly as she began helping Alice pack the game away.

Edward leaned back in his seat and grinned at her. 'You're just jealous. You know you love me.'

Esme muttered something that sounded like, 'Yeah, and you're lucky I do.'

'Give it a rest,' Alice laughed. 'Right, now if anyone's not hungry after playing Monopoly for like three hours, they're crazy. And I really don't feel like cooking anything, so I'm going to call Rosalie and we're going to meet her for lunch.'

After Alice called Rosalie quickly and told her where to meet us, we crammed into Alice's car and drove to a nearby restaurant. I deliberately chose to sit in the backseat, although I did make sure I wasn't sitting in the middle between the men. Edward was sitting beside me again, and I poked him in the side. 'You didn't have to do that before,' I told him. 'Either time.'

He smiled at me again, and my breath caught. It wasn't fair for one man to look so beautiful. 'I know,' he said simply.

The rest of the car ride passed in relative silence, giving me plenty of time to think. And despite my happy mood, my thoughts turned quickly to yesterday's events.

I let the others hold a conversation until we were seated and had our meals in front of us. Rosalie was really good – she didn't mention yesterday at all, or act differently in any way. A brief silence had fallen upon them as they dug into their meals, and I chose this moment to share my thoughts.

'I'm going to Phoenix for the weekend.'

All of them froze either with their forks halfway to their mouths or in some stage of chewing. They all looked wary, except for Carlisle, who looked confused by everyone else's reactions. 'I know it'll be late notice for Rebecca and Peter, but I'll call them when we get home and let them know I'm coming,' I continued. 'I want to meet her.'

'Are you sure that's a good idea?' Rosalie asked carefully.

'It's something I need to do,' I told her, and the rest of them. 'Will you come with me?' I asked her and Alice.

Alice groaned softly. 'I can't. I have to meet with the people organising my grant for most of the weekend. I'm sorry, Bella.'

'And I have a waiting list a mile long,' Rosalie said. She worked at a mechanics. 'And Ben's away, so I'm all on my own as it is.'

I couldn't take Jacob, and Esme and Carlisle were moving into their new house on Saturday. So much for my spur-of-the-moment plan. I picked at my food thoughtlessly. 'Oh. Well. Um…' I couldn't think of what to say.

I'd spent the last ten minutes psyching myself up for this, and it was shut down just like that. I _needed_ to meet her, and I knew it was something that couldn't wait. But I couldn't go by myself, so what choice did I have?

'I'll go with you.'

My eyes jerked up. Alice sighed. 'Edward, don't –'

'I mean it,' he said, keeping his eyes level with mine. I stared at him, searching him. 'I know what she means to you, Bella, and I know how much you need to meet her. If you think you'll be okay with it, I'll go with you to Phoenix. If you want me, that is.'

'Bella, you don't –' Esme began.

'God, guys, will you let Bella figure this out for herself?' Rosalie interrupted. I smiled at her gratefully.

'You don't have to do this,' I said to Edward.

He smiled sincerely back at me. 'I know. But you need this, and I told you that I'm here for you when you need me.'

How was it possibly that I knew such a generous man? 'I'd really appreciate that,' I said softly, returning the smile uncertainly.

To his credit, Carlisle didn't question any of us about it now; as comfortable as I was with us skirting around the subject, I didn't know how good I'd be at handling it in broad daylight in the middle of a restaurant. At the end of Rosalie's lunch hour we made plans to meet up again for dinner and parted ways. Back at Alice's apartment, Edward approached me just as I was about to dial the number Rebecca had included in the letter.

'I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable with this,' he said awkwardly. 'I didn't want you to feel like I was your only option.'

'It's all right,' I assured him. 'I told you that I'm not afraid of you.'

A strange look crossed his face, but then he nodded, smiled and went to join the others in front of the television, giving me privacy to make the call.

Someone picked up after the fourth ring. 'Hello?'

'Hello, is this Rebecca?'

'Yes it is.'

'Hi. This is Bella.'

There was a pause on the other end. 'Bella! I'm sorry, I admit I didn't expect you to call, but it's so good to hear from you. How are you doing?'

I smiled genuinely, although I knew she couldn't see me. 'I'm doing okay.' Despite yesterday, I truly did feel great. 'I was wondering if you and Peter had plans for this weekend?'

'We don't, actually.' Rebecca hesitated. 'Were you thinking of paying a visit?'

'Um, yes, actually. If that's okay. If you're not busy.'

'No, no, that'd be perfect!' she gushed. 'Would you like to come over for lunch on Sunday? Peter will be so excited! I did write our address in the letter, didn't I?'

'Yes, you did,' I told her. Biting my lip, I watched my friends – my family – sitting only a few metres away. Did they realise I knew they were eavesdropping? I thought with a smile. 'Is it okay if a bring a friend?'

Edward looked up at me upon hearing himself mentioned, and smiled warmly at me when he saw I was watching them. I returned the smile and felt my chest tighten. When I heard Rebecca replying I had to blink a few times to bring myself back to the present. Why did he have to have such beautiful eyes?

'Of course!' As she said it I cursed myself silently. What if Edward didn't want to meet Amy? No doubt he'd come anyway now, being the gentleman he was. I'd have to talk to him about it later.

Rebecca and I talked for a few more minutes about nothing much. When we hung up I hesitated by the phone. 'Um, Alice, is it okay if I use your phone again?' I asked. 'I really should call Jacob.'

Alice glanced up at me cautiously and nodded her assent. I dialled Jacob's office number and waited only a few seconds for him to pick up.

'Good afternoon, Largosa's sale's department, this is Paul.'

'Hello, Paul, its Bella.'

'Bella, hi. I'll put Jake on, hang on a sec.'

He sounded busy so I didn't press him for a conversation. Before long another voice was talking into the phone. 'Bells?'

I turned my back on the others, wishing the phone were cordless so that I could escape if the conversation took a bad turn. 'Hi, Jake. I'm sorry I didn't come home last night. I wasn't feeling too great.'

There was a distinctive sigh on the other end. 'Yeah, Alice explained it to me. Well, she sort of did. I hope you're okay.'

'I'm okay. I'm going out with her and her family again tonight, so I won't be back till late.'

'What about work?' He sounded a bit indignant.

'I don't want to talk about it, Jake,' I said quietly. 'I'm not feeling too great, and I need to spend time with Alice, Rose and Esme. I'll see you later on tonight.'

I managed to put the subject off for a few minutes, but eventually I couldn't deny the reason for my call any longer. 'Jacob, I got call a little earlier from an old friend of mine from school,' I lied. 'She lives in Phoenix. She's just been in an accident and she's feeling lonely since none of her other friends can visit. I promised her I'd go and spend the weekend with her.'

'I didn't know you had a friend in Phoenix.' His tone wasn't accusatory, just faintly surprised.

'Yeah, well. I do.'

'Well that's okay. I'll come with you.'

Exactly what I had been dreading. 'I'm sorry, Jacob. She's already sent me a plane ticket, and there's only enough room at her place for me.' _Please, please, please believe me_. I didn't want to deceive him, but I couldn't tell him about Amy. And even if I took him to Phoenix with me, there's no way I'd be able to slip away for lunch with Amy's family.

Eventually he seemed to accept the fact that I was going away for the weekend without him, although by the end of the conversation he was sulking. I hung up the phone and made my way over to the others. 'So what's the plan?' I asked them, perching on the arm of the couch beside Carlisle.

**AN: Okay, so we'll try again the "won't update for a while because I have homework" thing, and hopefully I'll do better this time, lol. Knowing me, though, I'll probably end up writing some more tonight, and you'll have another chapter in a few days.**

**PS. OME TWILIGHT TRAILER AWESOME, AMAZING, MAGNIFICENT. I love how much of the book they've put into it (the trailer, at least) and I love even the bits that aren't in it (imagine standing in a tree that high! With Edward Cullen! Or Rob!)**

**The way he says "What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm… the bad guy"**

**And where he's daring her to say vampire**

**And when she's like "this isn't real! This kind of stuff just doesn't exist!" and he's like "it does in my world"**

**And at the end, how he says "you **_**are**_** my life now"**

**And the KISS!!**

**And, and, and**

**Okay, I'm stopping before I list everything in the trailer. And yes, I'm rolling my eyes at myself. Lol**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: This is how much I love you. Last day before school goes back and what did I do? Was it the homework I've put off for the whole two weeks? Was it the housework that I needed to do? No. Another chapter of Delicate? You got it!**

**I'm sincerely hoping that you guys in America had the Aeroplane Jelly adverts, or else the chapter title and part of the chapter isn't going to make any sense at all. Lol. I KNOW any Aussie readers will get it.**

**I don't know if Port Angeles had an airport. I live in Australia and don't really take notice of which cities do, and as I'm writing this I'm on a computer without an Internet. If I say I'll look it up when I upload this I'll forget, so here's with the assumption that it does :) As I'm saying this I'm thinking that it probably says at the front of Twilight, since it starts with her coming to Forks, but it's all the way over on the other side of my room and I'm lazy, and it's not really relevant to the plot. Neither is my rambling, so I'm going to stop talking.**

**Yay for reviews!**

**Disclaimer: God created the Earth. God created man. God created Stephenie Meyer. Steph created Twilight. All I created was this crappy disclaimer :)**

**Chapter Twelve: Aeroplane Jelly**

BPOV

'I really wish I could have come with you. Your friend should have sent two tickets. Don't you think that's a bit inconsiderate?'

I scowled as I fought a losing battle with the zipper on my suitcase. Since I was only going away for the weekend I'd only packed my things in a small bag, but obviously the one I'd chosen was too small. Or maybe I'd known Alice for too long and packed too many "maybe clothes". Either way, the combination of my frustration at the suitcase and Jacob's frustrated remarks wasn't helping my temper – which was already fraying from the lack of sleep caused by my worries about this trip.

'Jacob, she's just been in an accident. She has things like hospital bills to pay for. I'm lucky she could even send me this ticket.'

Jacob hmphed. 'Yeah, well. I should have thought to just buy another ticket anyway, so I could go with you. I really don't like the idea of you going by yourself.'

If this was real life, the girl would be rolling her eyes – in annoyance or indulgently, take your pick – and ignore the overprotective boyfriend/partner/husband. But my life was too much like a horror/drama story to seem like real life to me, and our situation was definitely not normal. As always, I had to wonder just how much Jacob suspected about me. Obviously enough to be worried about this trip, too. He wasn't just complaining because he was going to miss me.

'Are you sure I can't take you to the airport?' he begged me.

Finally, I forced the zipper on my suitcase shut. 'There's no point, Jake. Alice has to go into Port Angeles for her meeting anyway, so she's going to drop me on the way. And I'll only be by myself for the plane trip: Maggie's sister's going to pick me up from the airport in Phoenix and I'll be staying at their place for the weekend.'

He scowled at me. 'I know all this.'

'So why are you worrying then?' I asked him brightly, walking up to him and kissing his cheek. 'I'll call you when I get in, okay?'

Alice picked me up at nine, and then we detoured back to her house to pick up Edward. 'Is this not one of the most ridiculous things you've ever done?' Esme asked as she watched Edward put his suitcase in the trunk. Alice laughed.

'If Emmett was your brother, you wouldn't be saying that.'

Edward climbed into the backseat and as he was doing up his seatbelt Esme leaned in through the open front passenger window to give me an awkward hug. 'Good luck, Bella. Make sure you call us and tell us how it all goes.'

Alice pulled away from the curb. ' You have to call me when you get in to let me know you're okay,' she said, eyeing me carefully.

I rolled my eyes, ignoring her.

It took almost an hour to get to the airport at Port Angeles, but then we only had a short wait until our flight was due to board. Alice waited with us as long as she could, but I noticed her checking her watch frequently with an anxious look on her face.

'Go, Alice,' I insisted, laughing at her. 'We'll be fine. There's only five minutes until we board anyway.'

She bit her lip. 'I don't want to leave you, but if I don't go soon I'll be late…'

Edward gave her a push toward the exit. 'We'll be fine.'

Alice sighed. 'All right. Bella, don't worry, it'll be fine. Edward's a good guy you can trust him to look after you, if anything happens he'll be there.' She took a deep breath and turned to Edward. 'Edward, you're a good guy but if she gets hurt in any way – and I don't care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head – if you return her in the less than perfect condition that I left her in, you'll be missing a limb. Got me?'

Edward smirked. 'Yes, Alice, I got you. Now get out of here.'

Alice beamed at us. 'Good. Have fun, and tell Rebecca and Peter I say hi. And call me!' The last bit was a shout as she was backing away from us, obviously reluctant to leave.

We waved goodbye and then grinned at each other. 'She's a bit… overprotective of me,' I explained sheepishly.

'She's a good friend,' Edward corrected.

'The best,' I said with a smile.

Ten minutes later we were walking down the aisle to our seats. Edward paused, checking the numbers on our tickets, then gestured smilingly to the row we stood at. 'Ladies first.'

Rolling my eyes at him, I shuffled into the row and sat in the window seat. He took my bag from me and put both his and mine in the overhead compartment, before sitting beside me. Suddenly I was struck with a bout of anxiousness and began picking at my fingernails. I wanted to bite them – a horrible habit that I had – but I knew he'd notice and probably come to the conclusion that he'd done something wrong.

Edward looked down at my hands, noticing anyway. 'Are you nervous about flying?' he asked me, frowning.

'No, that's not it,' I assured him. 'I love planes. I love the idea that we have a chance to fly like the birds.'

Edward laughed. 'If only Esme saw it that way. She's terrified. She was all for driving all the way here, but fortunately Carlisle talked some sense into her.'

'That's right,' I said, remembering. 'When she visited a few years ago she told me if people were meant to fly we'd have been given wings.'

Edward continued to watch me, his smile fading to just a faint rise at the edges of his lips. 'Are you sure you're okay? You do look nervous.'

I sighed. Why did he have to be so observant? 'I'm just nervous about this whole weekend,' I confided in him. 'I just want everything to work out well.'

'It will,' he assured me.

As the hostesses were going through the safety procedures I felt my stomach rumbling. I reached out and flicked through the brochures in the back of the seat in front of me until I found a menu and pulled it out. Everything on there was so expensive. I sighed, wishing that I'd thought ahead.

Edward got up and opened the overhead compartment, shuffling through a few things until he pulled something out and sat down again. In his hands was a large packet of BBQ chips. 'Thought I'd come prepared,' he said, offering them to me.

'Thankyou,' I said, taking the packet and opening it. I offered him some – they were his chips, after all – before reaching in and eating a few. 'You know what they never have on the menu on planes, but should?' I said to him as the plane began to move.

'What?' he said, looking at me curiously.

'Jelly,' I told him.

Edward frowned. 'Jelly?' he repeated, confusion making his prow pucker.

'Yep. Jelly. _I like Aeroplane Jelly,_' I sang, '_Aeroplane Jelly for me!_'

He laughed, finally understanding. 'Aeroplane Jelly. God, I haven't seen that add in years. Is it even still on TV anymore?'

'Probably not,' I said, laughing along. '_I like it for breakfast, I like it for tea. A little each day is a good recipe!_'

Edward was shaking his head, chuckling. 'Not the most appealing advert to parents, huh. Jelly for breakfast and tea? I wish I could have lived on jelly.'

'Jelly would have to be one of my favourite foods,' I said, grabbing a handful of chips.

Twenty minutes into the flight I began to feel a bit restless. I needed something to occupy my mind. 'Um, Edward,' I said. He smiled down at me. 'I brought a book to read, but it's in my bag…' I looked up at the overhead compartment doubtfully, already feeling guilty for asking him to get up.

'No problem,' he said, unbuckling his belt to stand up. He brought my bag down for me to get the book out, then tucked it away back up there again. As he sat back down he appraised the cover of my book. 'Withering Heights. Nice choice.'

I felt myself blush slightly. 'It's a favourite of mine.'

I opened the book up to the page that I'd marked and began to read. However, sitting upright with the book on my lap wasn't working, and the side of the plane was making my back sore when I was leaning on it. After only five minutes I closed my book and sighed.

Edward frowned at me, but there was humour in his eyes at my restlessness. 'What's wrong now?'

I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him. 'I can't get comfortable.'

He appeared to consider this for a moment, then looked at me warily. 'You could lean against me, if you want,' he said carefully.

I considered him seriously for a moment, but found no false intentions. Who was I kidding, this was Edward. He was a friend, and he knew my past; he wouldn't mean anything by offering this. 'Okay,' I said shyly, twisting in my seat so that I rested in his open arms. His left arm came around my shoulders with his hand resting on my upper arm, and I placed my head against his chest. 'Thankyou,' I said, surprised by how comfortable this was – both the positioning and being so close to him.

He smelt like honey and lilac and sun… That thought surprised me: how did someone smell like the sun? But whatever Edward's scent was reminded me of that, and that made me smile. It was lucky for me that I'd read the book numerous times, else I wouldn't have taken anything in. There was something right about how easily I fitted against him.

After a few minutes I became aware that he was reading over my shoulder. I glanced up at him and was surprised by how close he was. I raised my eyebrow. 'Do you want me to just give you the book?' I asked, fighting a smile.

Edward didn't restrain his, or his shrug. 'No, I'll be fine. It's a book I enjoy, I can't help it.'

I considered him for a moment before twisting back around to continue reading. Edward's fingers began to trail patterns on my arm, making me shiver.

'Are you cold?' he asked, concerned.

I shook my head. It was actually quite warm on the plane, but not warm enough to make me move away from Edward. I began to feel a strange weight in my stomach, an anxiousness that was reminiscent of the peculiar feeling I'd had the morning I'd gone to Alice's apartment and found him in a towel. I was used to feeling anxious, but this was a different type of anxious. It wasn't fear. It was… I didn't know what it was.

No, that was a lie. I did know what it was. But pretending not to made is slightly less real.

_Lust._

There were times that I wanted Jacob. He was very attractive, both in his physicality and his personality. He'd helped me free myself enough to let in the outside world. I owed him my life, in a very literal sense. And although I lusted after him sometimes, I felt more comfortable just sitting in his arms, in a public or simply friendly situation.

I loved Jacob. But I didn't love him like someone should love a boyfriend. But he was good for me, and I trusted him with my safety. He loved me too much to push anything. He must be one of the most sexually frustrated men alive, but he didn't complain. And even when I wanted him I couldn't bring myself to touch him in a way that was more than friendly.

Every time I thought about it, I felt horrible. I felt horrible that it was so easy to talk to Edward, and that I'd already told him just as much about my life as my closest friends, while my boyfriend knew nothing of it. I felt horrible that it was so easy to be close to Edward, while it had taken me so long to allow Jacob to touch me, and I still couldn't stand to let him touch me like I should. I felt horrible that I was spending the weekend with another man, and had to lie to my boyfriend about it. I felt horrible that I liked Edward's company so much.

But most importantly I felt horrible that I enjoyed having his arms around me so much.

So much more than Jacob's.

There. That thought, there, that was the one I was ashamed of. I felt like I was betraying his trust by even harbouring the slightest suspicions. And that's all they were – suspicions. Wonderings. When I let my thoughts go I wondered what it'd be like to sleep in his arms, and what it'd be like to come home to him at two in the morning. I'd wondered what it'd be like to have him hold me casually, just as he was doing now.

Sometimes I wondered what it'd be like to kiss him.

_That_ was the thought that worried me. Sure, I kissed Jacob, but I couldn't kiss him passionately, I couldn't even bring myself to consider it without feeling a twinge of fear. But Edward…

There was no fear. Of all the things that worried me, or made me feel ashamed, that was the biggest. How could I not be afraid – at all – of Edward Cullen?

His closeness was suddenly overwhelming. Again, not in a way that made me scared – except for the fact that the idea scared me – but in a way that made me feel that anxiousness again. I pulled away and put my book down, trying not to notice his surprise at my sudden withdrawal. And that wasn't hurt on his face, surely? I fumbled with my seatbelt, unable to get it undone quickly enough. 'I need to use the bathroom,' I muttered by way of explanation.

Finally the belt came undone and I stood up. I didn't realise how closely I'd have to press against Edward to move past him. Really it wasn't as close as I'd been sitting to him moments ago, but with the current thoughts racking my brain, I just needed some space.

As I went to move across him he leant back in his seat, trying to squash his legs out of the way. I would have been able to pass by okay, except that the person in the seat in front of him chose that moment to recline the seat, which knocked into me just hard enough to knock me off balance in my frazzled state. I fell into him, landing neatly into his lap. His arms came out to catch me, but he only succeeded in clutching me closer to him to cushion my fall. My face was inches from his, and I could feel his startled breath on my lips.

One of his hands clutched my waist, while the other rested on my upper thigh. I felt them like burning irons.

But still I felt no fear.

We stared at each other for an immeasurable moment. His eyes bore into mine, and they were so intense they almost made me shiver again. After a moment they flickered down to my lips, and I felt them part with what was undeniably desire. His face inched slightly closer to mine.

I pushed myself off of him, moving as quickly as I could to escape. 'I'm sorry,' I said hastily as I fled to the bathroom, hoping I wasn't attracting too many stares.

Once the bathroom door was closed and locked behind me, I sat down on the toilet lid, rubbing my face with my hands. What was that? What did I almost just do?

It was okay, I told myself. It wasn't unusual to be physically attracted to a friend that you trusted so much. But was it still unusual in my circumstances? It had to be. I was not the girl who lusted after her friend while her boyfriend waited at home.

When I brought my hands up to my face again they were shaking.

I knew what I needed. I needed a neutral party to tell me that what I was thinking was ridiculous and to get over it already. Under normal circumstances I'd talk to Alice or Rosalie, but both of them were too close to the situation to give me a proper talking to that I would heed.

If only there was one thing that I could find that was bad about him. Why did he have to be so nice and caring and attentive, and _so damn good looking_…

It was at least ten minutes before I could bring myself to head back to my seat. Edward looked up at me anxiously as I slid over him into my seat, careful to touch him as little as possible and steadying myself against the tops of the seats in front to make sure I didn't fall again. He let out a large sigh of relief when he saw that I was there and okay. 'Bella, I'm so sorry about what happened, if I scared you…'

_Oh, if only you had scared me_, I thought bitterly. 'You didn't scare me. I was just startled, and then…' I couldn't bring myself to even make up a proper answer. 'And it was hardly your fault,' I added. 'You couldn't have seen that coming or prevented it.'

He surveyed me carefully. 'Are you okay?' he asked quietly.

I nodded. 'I'm not hurt,' I replied, hoping he wouldn't see the difference.

The rest of the flight I sat upright in my seat, ignoring the pain in my back.

**AN: I really don't know if I like this chapter. I have a feeling I'm moving this too fast, but maybe that's because I'm scared of doing it too fast and therefore am overly worrying about it. Bella has to realise she likes Edward some time, right? In my head this chapter was less serious and more friendly, but then I got carried away. And seriously, there is next to no room for a person to walk past in those tiny aisles!**

**Tell me what you thought, I'm a bit more anxious to know than usual :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Here's another chapter. Funny story: although I have no time to write in my own time because of homework, I don't do much in lessons so therefore have heaps of time to write. Knowing me, there'll be another chapter in a few days, but despite what I'm doing atm don't get your hopes up just in case.**

**One of you asked for Edward's point of view of the plane trip, so that's what the first bit is.**

**Also, I got a review for one of my other stories saying I spelt something wrong. I didn't. I live in Australia, and in Aus we have different spelling for some words than people in the US and other places. Just because it's based on an American novel and it's set in America doesn't mean I need to spend forever double checking my words to make sure they're spelt like you spell.**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight. I own this story. Edward owns me.**

**Chapter Thirteen: Phoenix**

EPOV

As Bella went back to reading her book I stopped reading over her shoulder, instead focusing on how good it felt to have her in my arms. She smelt like freesia and strawberries, a combination that left my smiling. I thought of the way Tanya smelt; like cheap perfume and cigarettes. Bella's smell was just… just her, and I liked how natural it was.

What was the best way to break up with someone while you were in another state? There was no doubt in my mind anymore that what was between us was long gone; we'd only last as long as it took me to find a way to do this. I couldn't txt her – I wouldn't do that to anybody – and I knew she'd have trouble believing it on the phone. I was too much of a gentleman to do it any way other than to her face, but I didn't want to leave her tied to me until I got back, since I didn't know when I'd be able to leave.

She'd been messaging me for the past week, the first time being during our game of Monopoly. It had been the best game of Monopoly I'd played, and even the reminder of my girlfriend waiting at home had been unable to upset me enough to not enjoy it. Bella had looked hilarious as she glared at me while trying to stop from laughing, and I loved how easily she fought against me, letting me touch her. Just like I loved how easily she rested against me now. I began to stroke her arm softly, wishing I could convey what I was feeling without frightening her.

I wanted her, and that frightened me, because I didn't want to frighten her. It had been subtle at first, the feeling of needing her close, but after spending most of the week with her it was more pronounced and obvious – to me, at least. Since Carlisle had to work during the day and Esme spent most of her time picking out things for the house, I spent my afternoons with Bella until she had to work. She came around not long after Jacob left for work and we hung out at Alice's while trying not to be too distracting as she thought up new designs. Sometimes Bella would leave early, and I'd be in a foul mood all night, knowing why she left and wishing I could do something about it. But for most of the days that week she stayed at Alice's with me until just before she started work, and Alice would end up driving her so she wouldn't be late.

I didn't want her to leave, even for work. Every now and then I made a hint that maybe we could go to the Nine's for a while after dinner, but everyone was either too tired or couldn't be bothered, and I wouldn't go by myself.

As I rubbed small circles on Bella's arm she shivered and I pulled back slightly. 'Are you cold?' I asked her, knowing it couldn't be that. It was quite warm on the plane. She shook her head but didn't offer any other response. She wasn't afraid of me now, was she? After a moment she pulled away, placing her book carefully on the seat as fumbled with her seatbelt, struggling with the latch. She glanced up at me and saw me staring at her, hoping that she couldn't see the hurt on my face.

'I have to go to the bathroom,' she mumbled. Finally the belt came undone and she jumped to her feet. _What had I done?_ I wondered, unable to think of why she was acting this way. I leant back and pressed my legs into the seat so that she'd have more room to pass, knowing that it would be best to give her as much space as possible, but as she leant over me the person sitting in the seat in front reclined their seat. It didn't recline far, but it was enough that it startled Bella and she fell into my seat, landing on my lap. I grabbed a hold of her to soften her fall and clutched her to my chest. _Are you okay?_ The words were on my anxious lips but I couldn't make myself say them. Her eyes captured mine and I stared into them, trying desperately to give her the words I wanted to say but didn't even know what they were. We were so close… I was overly aware of my hands on her waist and her thigh, but I couldn't have moved them if I wanted to, despite the knowledge somewhere in my mind that she might be afraid. She didn't look afraid, though. She looked… no, that couldn't be lust.

At the thought my eyes flickered down to her lips, wishing I could kiss them. Her lips parted slightly, and I leaned my head forward in an automatic response…

Bella's hands tightened on my shoulders as she pushed herself away from me. She didn't pause as she stumbled away from me. 'I'm so sorry,' I heard her mutter before she fled down the middle aisle.

I stared after her until she disappeared into the bathroom, then I turned back around, putting my head in my hands. I grasped my hair in my fingers, pulling on it, frustrated. I'd been about to kiss her, and she knew it; now she'd finally be afraid of me.

After a few minutes I began to really worry. If she couldn't deny the need to hurt herself in her friend's apartment, could she deny it now? There wouldn't be any sharp objects, but would she be so desperate that she would find something?

I was just about to get up and go after her when she appeared at my shoulder. I took in the sight of her anxiously, desperate to confirm that she was all right. After glancing at me once she looked away, pressing herself right up against the seat in front of me so that we barely touched. She picked up her book and began reading again, though every now and then I'd notice her glancing over me.

Neither of us spoke until the captain announced that we were soon to land. I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I didn't want to make it worse. 'I'm sorry,' I said to her.

Bella jumped slightly, closing her book and looking up at me with wide brown eyes. 'Why are you sorry? I'm the one who freaked out.' She looked awkward and uncomfortable but smiled slightly in encouragement.

'I'm sorry that I scared you,' I told her softly.

Her eyes widened further. 'You didn't scare me,' she insisted.

I frowned. 'Then what…'

'Can we please just forget it happened,' she begged me. I nodded slowly, wondering why it could be so hard for her to talk about this.

When the plane landed and the seatbelt sign turned off I stood up and retrieved our carry on bags from the overhead compartment. I held open her bag so she could put her book away, and she murmured a thankyou.

It didn't take long to get our suitcases, and very soon we were sitting in a taxi, heading toward our hotel. I wanted to see her smile but I couldn't think of the right thing to say.

'Maybe we should call that little psycho friend of yours,' I said, smiling at her. When she looked up at me and smiled at me my grin became real.

'I think we should wait at least until we get to the hotel,' she said lightly. 'She knows our flight's in. Let's leave her worrying for a while.'

'What about Jacob?' I asked, not really wanting to talk about her boyfriend but wanting to be polite.

A strange look came over her face, which she quickly hid. 'Yeah, I guess I should.'

As she made her phone call I forced myself to zone out, knowing she'd want her privacy. Instead I imagined my next conversation with Tanya. She'd tell me she missed me, and I'd tell her to stop calling/messaging me. She'd say she couldn't help it; she needed to talk to me. She'd beg me to come home, saying that she knew already that she didn't want to live without me. Normally, then, I'd hang up, but this time I'd tell her that I knew that I could, and that I wanted to, and I'd have to listen to her denial before she became angry and began cursing me. Then I'd hang up.

'Edward? Edward, we're here.' I looked up and saw the wry smile on her face. I'd been so deep in my thoughts that I hadn't heard her conversation end, or noticed the car stop.

'Right, sorry,' I said, stepping out of the car and getting the suitcases out of the boot.

We were given the key to our hotel room and made our way upstairs in the elevator. Bella opened the door and stepped back to let me in first since I'd insisted on carrying our bags. I put them on the couch while Bella had a quick look around the room.

She came back after only a moment, and saw her frowning at me. 'What's wrong?' I asked her.

'There's only one bedroom,' she told me.

I raised an eyebrow, not sure what she was getting at.

'With _one bed_,' she added pointedly, her arms clutching around her stomach.

Oh. Right. 'The reservation was for two people,' I reminded her. 'They must have assumed we were a couple.' I saw her pale slightly and hurriedly continued. 'It's okay, though. I'll sleep on the couch. Maybe it'll fold out like Alice's.'

Looking at the couch, though, I really doubted that. I'd wait until later to look though, so as not to worry her. However, Bella was shaking her head. 'No. It's my problem. I'll sleep on the couch.'

In response I grabbed her bag and walked into the bedroom, dumping it on the bed.

'Edward, I'm serious,' she said, following after me. 'I don't mind sleeping on the couch. Come on, I'm lucky you're here at all, or else I wouldn't be here, and you know how much I wanted to come. I shouldn't be pushing you onto the couch, how much of a thankyou is that?'

She was pulling on my arm, trying to get past me to her suitcase. She was frowning in her seriousness but there was a light in her eyes that let me know she was having fun. I held her back. 'Don't be silly. You know I wanted to come and besides, do you really think I would have _let_ you come alone?' I saw the light in her eyes turn to curiosity and wondered whether that question had been too familiar. I softened my expression and my tone. 'Bella, please. I know tomorrow's going to be stressful for you, and I want you to be comfortable. All I sleep on at Alice's is the couch anyway, it's not like I'll miss a comfy bed like you would.'

Her expression became pained as she let me push her back into the other room. 'You could sleep in there… with me… if you want…'

_If it was any other girl_… I sighed. 'You know I can't, Bella.'

She nodded sullenly. 'I'm going to have a shower,' she said, not quite looking at me. 'Do you want to go out and see the city after?'

'Sounds great,' I told her.

* * *

BPOV

I grabbed a towel off of the bed and stepped into the bathroom, not looking at Edward. I showered quickly and dried myself off with the towel before realising that I hadn't brought any clothes to change into in with me. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, pondering what to do. I could call out to him and get him to bring me some clothes, but he wouldn't know what to get, and I didn't want him going through my bag to get to the right things. The only other option, really, was to go out there like this, hoping that he wouldn't care so that I wouldn't care.

Reluctantly, I checked to make sure that the towel was wrapped firmly around me and tied so that it wouldn't fall, before reaching out and twisting the door handle. I stepped out quickly, hoping that if I moved fast enough, he wouldn't notice me. However, my hastiness had the opposite effect as I tripped over my own feet.

Somehow Edward managed to catch me before I hit the floor, wrapping one arm around my waist and the other around my chest. One of my hands pressed against the floor, a defensive reaction to hold myself up, and the other clutched at the towel, making sure it didn't drop. He was supporting almost all of my weight, pressing my body against his. I could feel his heavy breathing copying my own, and that anxiety came rushing back.

Edward quickly pulled us to our feet, letting go of me as soon as I was upright and stable. I couldn't quite raise my eyes to meet his. 'I left my clothes in my suitcase,' I told him by way of explanation.

He didn't reply, but I saw in my peripheral vision that he nodded slightly, and the motion drew my eyes up to his. His eyes were flickering from my shoulders to my legs, the two most revealed places of my body that were on display. He'd seen me naked before, but there was a bit of a difference in circumstance between my near-death experience and this. I stared at the open desire in his eyes. We were still standing very close, and all that my body wanted at that moment was to step forward and let him wrap his arms around me.

When Edward stepped forward slightly my heart skipped a beat. I could only guess at what I looked like, staring at him, wearing only a towel with my wet hair dripping around my shoulders. My hands tightened on the towel, but it wasn't just to hold it up – it was to stop them reaching out and touching him.

Edward did what I couldn't. He raised his hand and brushed his fingers gently across my cheek. My breath hitched and my eyes closed, enjoying the feeling so much more than I should.

What the hell was I doing? I couldn't answer as I pressed my face into his hand, sighing at the sensation of his warm hand on my cheek. His thumb stroked my skin softly, before moving his hand to grasp my chin and raise my head to look at him properly. 'Bella?' he said, his voice sounding husky.

'Mmm?' What was he going to say? God, what did I want him to say?

'I think you should go and get dressed.'

Reality pounded into me and I felt my cheeks grow hot and I turned my face away, stepping back from him. I would have said something but I couldn't find the words, so I just fled into the bedroom.

I didn't realise that I was shaking until I sat down on the bed and held my hands in front of me. What was wrong with me? Wasn't I happy enough with Jacob? Why did my mind have to go and ruin this for me? Nothing had happened, and I'd never let anything happen, but my traitorous thoughts wouldn't leave me when I faced Jacob again.

What kind of person got a crush on their best friend's cousin? I couldn't deny that there was a part of me that liked him more that I should, and over the past week that had only grown more and more obvious to my denying eyes. He made me feel happy, and carefree. The only thing that I worried about when I was with him was that I would panic like usual, but it never happened.

_And I wasn't scared of him_.

My vision blurred and I felt warm wetness on my cheeks and realised that I was crying. I wasn't this girl, the hussy who had indecent thoughts about someone else than their boyfriend. I realised how suspicious this weekend away could look like if Jacob knew of my stupid little crush, and instantly regretted agreeing to let Edward come with me. I'd have been better off coming alone and not having the chance to have Edward all to myself… I scrunched my eyes up at the thought, feeling a fresh wave of tears at my mental betrayal.

Knowing that I couldn't sit on the bed all day in a towel, I dressed quickly, not paying close attention to the clothes that I threw on. Just as I was applying some foundation to make the red blotches that I knew would be on my face go away, there was a knock at the bedroom door. 'Bella? Can I come in?'

Now that I'd admitted to myself what I had been denying all week, I recognised the thrill I felt at the sound of his voice for what it was, and it made me miserable. 'Yes, come in Edward,' I said sullenly, packing my makeup back away in it's bag.

The door opened slowly and Edward poked his head in. When he saw me he relaxed visibly. 'Oh. I was starting to worry about you. Are you okay?'

I nodded. 'I'm fine. Can we go out for a bit?'

'Sure thing.' He stepped into the room properly and held out his hand to help me to my feet. 'But you have to promise me one thing,' he said.

Despite myself I felt the suddenly-all-too-familiar smile appear on my face. 'What?'

'Promise me first,' he insisted.

I rolled my eyes. 'Sure, okay, fine, I promise. Now tell me.'

'You'll let me take you out to dinner tonight.'

I paused, looking up at him closely. Was he _trying_ to destroy me?

'I thought you don't seem the type of person who lives on take-out,' he said quickly when he noticed my hesitation. 'I thought that it might be a good idea, that maybe you'd like it. I'll take you somewhere nice and we'll have a good time.'

His explanation made me see it as a more casual, friendly thing. I nodded slowly. 'Okay. You're lucky Alice forced a dress into my suitcase.' I stopped, staring up at him. 'Shit. Alice.'

Edward chuckled. 'It's okay; I called her while you were in the shower. I told her that if you wanted to talk to her I'd get you to call her back, but if not you'll call her later on tonight.'

I smiled gratefully. 'Thankyou.'

**AN: Shorter chapter than the last few but I wanted to get this up. You guys said last time that you didn't think I was rushing it but I'm still paranoid, more so after this chapter, since she's starting to put her feelings into words. I feel so sorry for you all that you don't have Aeroplane Jelly, but for the sake of the last chapter the ad's really cute, with a cartoon aeroplane singing the Aeroplane Jelly song.**

**A note about reviews. As I'm posting this there are 308 people who are still reading at Chapter 12. In total for Delicate I currently have 49 reviews, and the majority of those are from the same few people (and you guys, I love you!) I'm not asking for 308 reviews for this chapter, but I know that my writings not perfect and I need you guys to help me make it better. I'd love to hear what each of you think of this, whether you want to give me some advice, tell me what you hope/think's going to happen, ask me a question, anything! I get the biggest smile on my face when I open up my inbox and see all these emails telling me I have reviews and alerts and faves, it's the best feeling ever that people want to contribute.**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: I think there's something wrong with me. I just got New Moon back from my now-ex-boyfriend, and here I go lending it out again! It's for a good cause, though: my new mission in life is to convert as many people as possible to Twilight as possible. I told two of my friends from school. We hang out with different groups but get on heaps well. They both went out and bought Twilight the day I told them about it, read it overnight, and I leant NM to one and the other's going out and buying it. And they told heaps of their friend about it and now they're reading it! Go me for spreading the Twilight!**

**I'm heaps worn out tonight so I'm writing this instead of doing homework. I had a major assessment thing for Drama tonight and then I had to work, and had to stay back late… I'm way too exhausted emotionally and physically to write anything that makes sense in a school sense. If this doesn't make sense it doesn't decide my future, feel free to yell at me if I suck.**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer. If I was, this wouldn't be on fanfiction, it would be in a published book. Not that Steph would write AH fanfiction about her vampy characters. You get the point.**

**Chapter Fourteen: The Non-Date**

BPOV

After I finished getting ready for dinner I made my way out into the lounge room to wait for Edward. The water wasn't running in the bathroom anymore, so I could only assume he wouldn't be that much longer. I was happy with the way I looked tonight; I was wearing a dark blue summer dress that came to just below my knees. I'd wanted to go somewhere casual enough for me to wear jeans, but Edward was insistent on taking me somewhere fancy. I hadn't worn a dress or skirt in a long time, paranoid about the marks on my thighs, but I had known Alice had snuck this into my wardrobe and I had thrown it into my suitcase "just in case". I was sceptical at first of how concealing it would be, but as I was sure Edward wouldn't be looking up my skirt I knew I really had nothing to worry about.

My thoughts of Alice reminded me that I had still yet to call her, so while I continued waiting for Edward I pulled out my phone and dialled her familiar number.

'Bella! What took you so long to call?'

I laughed aloud at her accusing tone. 'Relax, Alice, I'm alive. How're things back home?'

We talked about nothing much for a few minutes. 'What are you two doing tonight?' she asked.

I groaned dramatically. 'Alice, you'll never believe this!' I said loudly, knowing full well that Edward could hear my every word. 'He's forcing me to go out to dinner with him!'

Alice laughed cheerily. 'Aw, he's taking you on a date! That's cute!'

I rolled my eyes. 'It's not a date, Alice. I think there's two people you've forgotten about here; Jake and Edward's girlfriend.'

'Oh, his girlfriend won't be around much longer,' she said, dismissing her quickly. 'You know exactly what Jake would think if he knew who you were with.'

'Which is exactly why I haven't told him,' I said, feeling instantly guilty. I pushed it aside, knowing it was pointless. 'Well I've gotta go, I'm just about to go visit Maggie at the hospital,' I joked.

'Yeah, have fun on your date,' Alice replied.

'It's not a date,' I hissed, but she hung up before I could finish.

'What's not a date?' Edward asked.

I jumped, startled; I hadn't known he was standing there. He was leaning against the bathroom door, his hair still damp from the shower. He was wearing black dress pants and a white shirt with the top few buttons undone. I felt my eyes drawn to the hollow of his throat, and the faint tuff of bronze hair that was displayed, before I forced them up to his face.

'Us going to dinner,' I told him eventually, feeling stupid at my hesitation. 'She was being silly, just ignore her.'

His eyes assessed me for a moment before he nodded slightly. Then a smile broke out on his face. 'So. Are you ready for our non-date?'

I laughed at how easily he took in the situation. 'As ready as I'll ever be,' I joked, grabbing my clutch and standing. He offered his arm to me at the door.

'Don't be ridiculous,' I said, rolling my eyes and walking past him into the hallway.

Edward followed me out, locked the door behind him, and then turned back to me, his arm still proffered. 'I'm not being ridiculous. I'm behaving like a gentleman to a good friend, who only deserves the best, especially when visiting a new city.'

Knowing that this was a losing battle that I didn't really want to fight, I sighed dramatically and took his arm. 'Where are we going?' I asked curiously.

'Somewhere nice,' was all he would say.

A short taxi ride later I was grasping Edward's arm again as he led me into a very posh looking restaurant. I stared at my surroundings, not quite believing my eyes. I heard Edward chuckle, and looked up to see his eyes on my face. 'You like it?' he whispered.

I nodded slowly. We were led to a table in the corner, where Edward held my chair out for me. I thanked him, feeling myself blush, and reminded myself that this wasn't a date. So far, it was beginning to feel like one.

The waited took our drink orders and left the menus with us. I watched Edward for a moment as he considered his menu before lowering my eyes to mine. I gasped when I saw the prices.

'Edward, I can't afford this!'

He lifted his eyes and smirked at me. 'I don't see how that matters, since you're not paying a cent towards this.'

_What, like on a date?_ 'That's hardly fair, Edward.'

'You just said you couldn't afford it. Therefore, I have to pay. Like I was going to anyway.'

I scowled at him. 'Are you always so free with your money?' I asked, remembering our Monopoly game.

'Not really,' he said. 'But I got a deposit in my bank account yesterday from my manager, so I'm allowed to squander a little. And I'm choosing to squander on you. Do you know what you're having?'

I ended up picking something that was a normal dish disguised under a really obscure name. Before long our meals were before us and I was digging into my mushroom ravioli. I frowned into my food as I remembered my earlier conversation with Alice. 'Edward, can I ask you something?'

Edward regarded me seriously, obviously picking up on my mood. 'Certainly.'

I hesitated. 'Will you tell me about your girlfriend?'

He didn't answer straight away. He took a mouthful of food, chewed carefully, and washed it down with a sip of wine before replying. 'She's actually most of the reason why I came to Forks,' he told me.

'Oh?' I tried to think of a reason why but couldn't.

'Yeah. I did come to help Esme pick a house and settle in, but Tanya was what really motivated me to get away. She's very… impulsive. She wants children.'

'And?'

'Yeah, well, and. I don't. Not with her. I don't want to wake up one day with a year old child and a girlfriend or wife or whatever who suddenly decides she doesn't want it anymore. That's exactly the type of person Tanya is. She sprang the kid thing on me one day out of the blue, and I'm pretty sure she didn't really think it through much beforehand. I sort of… tricked her into letting me go away for a while.'

I nodded slowly, taking another bite of ravioli. 'Alice said you wouldn't be together much longer.'

He raised his eyebrow at me. 'Oh, really? Did she now?'

'Yes, she did. She's my friend, she's allowed to gossip.'

'I suppose I'll let this one pass then,' he joked, topping up my wine glass. 'Why did you want to know, anyway?'

I smiled sweetly. 'Well, you already know everything about me. Don't you think it's fair that I know at least something about you since you know my deepest darkest secrets?'

As I finished I saw Edward's expression freeze on his face slightly. His eyes bore intently into mine, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. The agony in his eyes was overwhelming, and I knew it was because of the reminder my words had given him. I put my fork down and bowed my head, unable to meet his gaze any longer. My chest was aching and I felt sick to the stomach.

'We never talked about that,' I acknowledged softly. 'Not properly.'

Edward's hand appeared under my chin and he raised my head gently so that I was forced to look at him. The look in his eyes had softened to concern now, but the effect didn't lessen – it increased, if anything. 'We don't have to. You don't have to tell me anything you're uncomfortable with.'

My hand jumped up of it's own accord, resting over his and holding it against my cheek. His thumb gently stroked my cheek. 'I know. But I don't want you to worry about me.'

A tight smile formed on his face, but it looked more like a grimace. 'You really think that's not all I do now?'

I lowered his hand from my cheek, but kept it in my grasp on the table. 'Which is why I want to explain. So you don't worry.'

Slowly, he nodded. 'Very well. But not here – after we get back to the hotel. You're supposed to be having fun.'

He pouted, and I couldn't help but laugh.

The rest of dinner passed quickly. I kept getting distracted – I ordered and ate dessert, but I couldn't say what it was. I was watching Edward's face. I was strangely mesmerised by the way his jaw moved as he chewed, and his Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. The way that the corners of his eyes crinkled slightly when he looked up and smiled at me. And that smile itself… He didn't seem to realise that I was staring at him, but every time he looked up I felt my cheeks grow slightly warmer.

Maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe that was it.

_Maybe_ I was coming down with some sort of horrible disease. A disease that turned me into a horrible person.

Eventually I looked down and saw my plate was empty. Glancing back up at Edward, I saw him draining the last of his wine. As he put the empty glass down he shifted slightly. 'Are you ready?' he asked, looking pointedly at my empty plate.

Somehow unable to find words, I nodded and stood up. In the cab I questioned him about his home in Chicago, and he managed to avoid all those relating to music or his girlfriend. The girlfriend I didn't care about, but the music was another matter.

'Why won't you answer my questions?' I asked, keeping my voice light to let him know I wasn't angry but still frowning.

Edward sighed. 'To me, music is… everything. I like to think that I'm an all right musician, and yes, I do make enough to not need to find other work. When I get back to Chicago I'm recording a new CD – I told them that this is my time off to continue writing for the album. But I don't want to be famous.' He looked down at his hands, which were twisting in his lap. 'I don't want people to listen to my music and think that they know me, because they think they understand what I play, what I sing about. The music, it's personal… it's mine.'

The emotion in his words made me want to cry. 'Then why are you recording this album?'

He sighed again, and looked up at me. 'Because I signed a two-album contract, depending on the success of the first one. They got the sales they wanted, and called me back. But after this I'm done.'

A few minutes later Edward was opening the door to our hotel room. 'So, did you enjoy our non-date?' he asked.

'It was a fantastic non-date,' I told him, smiling. But then the smile faded. 'But now we need to talk.'

His face expressionless, Edward followed me over to the couch and sat beside me, our bodies twisted so that we were facing each other. And I explained everything to him. I told him how at first I'd wanted nothing more than for my life to be over, but I couldn't bring myself to kill the baby inside of me as well. How once Amy was born Alice, Esme and Rosalie had meant too much to me for me to do this to them. How by then I didn't want to die anymore, but I needed a release for the pain. It let me remember things, and cope with things, without becoming too stressed or anxious.

'I'm supposed to be on medication,' I told him. 'I was diagnosed with panic disorder. But the side effects were too much. I've stopped taking them. That's why I acted like I did with you and Carlisle, but it's better to be afraid than to not feel anything at all.'

Edward was silent throughout my explanation. His eyes never left mine, and I could see the pain and worry in them. 'Is there no other way?' he asked softly once I was done. 'Is it really that hard to think about?'

I looked away, nodding. It was really that hard to think about.

I heard and felt Edward shifting on the couch, and his hand was underneath my chin, lifting my face so I was forced to look at him. 'You can come to me. You can always come to me, no matter what time, what day, where we are. You said you trust me, that you know you're safe with me. Trust me with this, Bella! I can't bear to see you hurt yourself.'

At his words, I couldn't deny it to myself any longer. I wanted him. I liked him, a lot. We were past friends, on my side at least. Hot tears slid down my cheeks. 'Edward…'

He moved quickly, and I was wrapped fiercely in his arms. 'You _are_ safe with me,' he whispered vehemently. 'I would _never_ let anything happen to you, Bella.'

My heart in my throat, I forced myself to pull away. 'Edward, we need to talk.'

I needed everything out in the open.

**AN: Hahahaha cliffhanger. Next chapter should be good, but for me it'll be hard to write. A lot of the dialogue will be from my own experience, because I have sort of been in this situation. Which is why I've been making it go really slowly – I know what it's like to not want to be "that person". Not that our situations were so bizarre… Picture Bella and Edward as normal people with normal backgrounds and you've pretty much got my situation.**

**It shouldn't be too long, though. I've only got one week of school left, and only one or two assignments to finish. Depends on my work roster next week, I guess.**

**I'd like to thank the two or three new names on the reviews for last chapter. You guys are lucky I like writing this story so much or else I'd threaten to stop updating unless I got X number reviews.**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: I was going to start this with Edward's POV, but a lot of this scene is based on something that really happened to me, and some of the dialogue is what I remember from the situation. Therefore I only know what I was feeling and thinking, and can hopefully translate that into something more Bella-ish.**

**This chapter is for Jeremy, for being the first person whom I think I really loved. Maybe the only person. Although this dedication is extremely pointless, since he definitely does **_**not**_** read Twilight fanfiction.**

**Chapter title: a song by Angels and Airwaves. :)**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight. I am not Steph. Go figure.**

**Chapter Fifteen: A Little's Enough**

BPOV

'Edward, we need to talk.'

He regarded me closely for a moment, then nodded. He looked slightly apprehensive. 'Okay.'

For a moment I just stared at him, not knowing what to say. How _were_ you supposed to go about this? That was the thing, though; you weren't. Affairs were things of passion, that begin with a fierce kiss and end in a broken heart. There was no talking about it before hand. _Not_ that this was anything close to an affair! I couldn't do that to Jacob. I wouldn't do that to Jacob.

Jacob. Again I asked myself what the hell I was doing. And I had no clue, whatsoever.

'I can't,' I whispered, needing to tear my eyes away but unable to. They were beginning to ache from tears that I would not shed. 'I can't say this to you.'

Edward reached out to me and took my hand in his. 'Try, Bella,' he implored, softly. 'Trust me. You know you can.'

And that, there, was the problem.

'I'm scared,' I admitted. 'Not of you,' I added quickly, seeing and feeling him flinch away. My fingers had tightened around his, and I made no effort to loosen them.

'What of, then?' he asked, not taking his eyes from mine.

'Of who I think I am.'

In the silence that followed, I realised that he was waiting for me to continue. I wanted him to say something, anything, to break the silence that I knew was only awkward to me, but he was waiting for me to explain myself. He was worrying about me, yet again. How can this man have such a big heart? I took a deep breath and turned my head, finally breaking our eye contact. I barely had courage enough for this conversation – I could not bear it with my eyes on his. When I spoke, my voice was quiet and unsure.

'I like you… more than I should… considering that I have a boyfriend.'

As much as I tried not to, I couldn't help but notice his reaction out of the corner of my eye. His body stiffened slightly, and his hand twitched in mine. His expression was frozen on his face, mixed with something I could not place with my bad view of his features. But I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

'Oh,' was all he said.

I was stupid. There was something wrong with me. But at least he knew that now, and he could run and hide and never have to deal with me again. I'd ruined any chance at friendship we might have had, because of some stupid crush. Why couldn't I be happy with what I had? I turned my face further away from him, desperate to hide the tears that I felt escaping from the corners of my eyes. How could I be so stupid?

'I'm sorry,' I whispered.

Immediately he was kneeling in front of me, cupping my face in both of his hands. There was nowhere for me to look but into his eyes, so I closed mine.

'Bella, please. Please look at me.'

I opened my eyes slowly, and I looked at him. His eyes were honest. 'Bella, there's nothing to be sorry for. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for someone while you're with someone else.'

I could tell he didn't believe that, but I accepted it as an effort to comfort me. 'But it's not just feelings, Edward.' My voice broke on his name, and his expression softened even further. 'Not in my situation. Not when I trust you more than my boyfriend, not after what I've been through. Not when I want you more than him, after what happened to me.'

I started sobbing softly, and Edward moved back onto the couch, wrapping his arms around me. It was sweet torment, being in his embrace when I wanted nothing more, or nothing less. The feeling of betrayal brought on a fresh wave of tears. 'I don't want this, Edward! Why can't I just be normal? What's wrong with me?'

'Nothing,' he whispered harshly, almost angrily. 'Bella, this changes nothing. We're still good friends, and I'm still always here for you. I'm still breaking up with Tanya because we want different things, and what I want is not her. You're still with your boyfriend, who loves you.'

I wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad thing that his opinion of me hadn't seemed to change. 'I'm a horrible person,' I said, mostly trying to persuade him but also putting voice to my thoughts.

Edward pulled away from me enough to see my face. 'Bella, please.' His expression was pained. 'Please just _stop_ thinking of yourself as horrible, as something less than normal! If you think that of yourself, then you have to think that of me, too!'

I stared at him for a long moment, my heart flip-flopping in my chest hopefully before my realistic side took over and spread my guilt for feeling positive. 'Don't say things like that to make me feel better,' I said, my voice catching at several points. I swiped the tears from my cheeks angrily and wrestled from his grasp.

His hands caught my wrists and brought my hands away from my face. He didn't let them go. 'Bella, I am not saying anything just to make you feel better. And I'm not lying. Ever since I met you, I've wanted to make you happy. I was attracted to you physically from the very beginning, and now that I know you, I cannot name a single person who could compete with your genuine and kind nature. I like you, too, more than I should.'

We sat in silence for a few minutes as I took in what this could mean. What I wanted it to mean. What I could not let it mean.

'Do you love Jacob?' he asked me quietly

'No. I don't know.' I shook my head helplessly.

'Are you happy with him?'

I looked up at him again, and whatever he saw on my face caused him to wince slightly. 'I thought I was. But I wouldn't spend my afternoons with him.' He understood what I meant by that. 'Do you know that I hadn't missed an afternoon alone on the weekend since Amy was born? Until last week.'

He shivered. 'Bella, the only thing that I want you to know is that, I'm still always here for you. Whatever you need from me, whoever you need me to be, I'll be here for you.' His eyes grew desperate. 'I'll understand and accept whatever you want. Just let me be something.'

Silence came over us again, and now I only felt sad. Eventually Edward sighed. 'Maybe you should get some rest. You'll have a big day tomorrow, you don't need to make yourself more stressed.'

I nodded sullenly. 'Edward, please take the bed. I'm smaller than you; I might actually have a chance of fitting on here. I can tell that it's not a fold out bed, I'm not stupid.'

He smiled slightly, and I immediately felt more at ease. Maybe we could still be comfortable around each other. 'I'll be fine, Bella,' he insisted. 'If it's too uncomfortable I'll sleep on the floor.'

I was divided. Part of me wanted to offer to share the bed, and I knew I'd only be doing it for his wellbeing, but the other part of me already felt guilty for how it would look, and maybe for how he'd see it.

Unable to find the courage to make the offer, I said a quick goodnight and fled to the bedroom, changing into my pyjamas; a tank top and long pants.

Lying in bed, I couldn't get comfortable knowing that there was no way Edward would be at ease on the tiny couch. After half an hour of tossing and turning I got out of bed and walked to the doorway.

EPOV

As I lay on the couch, remembering the last hour, I couldn't shake the wonderment I felt. Or the horror.

She liked me, maybe as much as I liked her. No, that wasn't possible. But still… enough that it hurt her. My feelings for her didn't bother me when I considered Tanya, because for me that relationship was already over. But I knew Bella had laid some pretty strong foundations with Jacob, even if she couldn't yet bring herself to tell him everything. The last thing I wanted to do was drive a wedge between them, but the thought that maybe, that could be me with her…

If I were with someone and fell in love with someone else (or even "liked them more than I should" as she'd put it) there'd be no question at all what I would do. If there was doubt in a relationship, there shouldn't be a relationship. But I didn't depend on anyone as much as Bella did on Jacob, and I knew that he'd unknowingly been there for her through so much.

I wanted her for my own, but I'd been honest when I'd said to her before that I'd be whatever she wanted me to be. Her friend, her lover, her partner… I'd take any part of her she gave me. For me, this was beyond a simple "like you more than I should".

I rolled over on the couch, trying to get comfortable, but I already knew that it would be impossible. I'd been lying with my legs curled up so that I fitted fully on the couch, but my legs were cramping and I had to stretch them out. Now my legs were hanging off the edge, my calves pressed painfully against the arm of the couch. There was no way I'd be able to sleep like this.

Careful to be quiet, I took the blankets from the couch and laid them out on the floor, trying to soften it a little. Lying down, I realised that it hadn't affected it much, but at least I'd have some chance of falling asleep.

That was, if I could get Bella out of my mind.

Knowing what I did now, all I wanted to do was go into her bedroom, pull her into my arms and kiss her. I'd been attracted to her since I'd first seen her, but it was different now that I knew she shared the feeling. But she had too much respect for Jacob to hurt him, and I had too much respect for Bella to let her do anything she'd regret.

I heard a soft click and propped myself up on my elbow to see the bedroom door swinging open. Bella frowned down at the couch before she saw me on the floor, and she sighed, slumping her shoulders. 'Edward, what are you doing?'

I smiled wryly. 'Trying to get to sleep,' I admitted. 'The couch wasn't the most comfortable idea.'

Bella looked down at me sadly. 'Take the bed, Edward. If you don't want to sleep with me then I'll stay out here. I can't sleep knowing you're out here.'

How was it possible for one person to be so generous and genuine? I would have argued, but I didn't have the strength to deny her something that I knew I wanted. Even if we only had this one night, and it was only a sleeping arrangement caused by convenience, I could pretend that maybe, under certain circumstances, we might have had something.

So I got up and followed her into the bedroom, moving to the side of the bed that wasn't slept in. We climbed in together, lying on opposite sides of the bed. Although not a part of us was touching, I could feel her in the bed with me, could feel the blanket move slightly with every breath she took. To stop myself from reaching out to touch her I tucked my hands under my armpits.

Bella soon fell asleep, but I still couldn't keep my eyes closed. I stared at the back of her head, noticing the way her chestnut hair fell over her delicate shoulders.

I lay there for almost an hour, wishing more than anything that I could reach out and touch her. I wanted to hold her, to feel her body pressed against mine as she slept.

'Edward.'

At first I thought she was awake when she mumbled my name, but the next moment I heard her sigh and knew she was sleeping. _She was dreaming about me_. 'Edward.'

She shifted again, and she looked restless. 'Edward, please.'

Seeking to comfort her, I reached out and gently pressed my hand against her bare shoulder. 'I'm here, Bella,' I whispered softly.

'Edward,' she repeated, but this time it was a content sigh. Unable to stop myself, I settled in closer to her and gingerly wrapped my arm over her waist. She snuggled into me, most likely unconscious of her movement in her sleep, and taking that for encouragement I tucked my other arm under her head.

Finally, I fell asleep.

**AN: I know it's short, but I had a lot of trouble writing Bella's POV. I know I say this every chapter, but I really need to know what you guys think of this, it was **_**so**_** hard trying to cross between my own experience and what worked for the characters. Aside from that, I wrote this at 3am after writing 7,000 words for school.**

**  
Hopefully another chapter in a few days. Probably Wednesday.**

**P.S. If anyone's into mind control, tell the authors of all my faves to update! Especially Cullenista! If anyone's somehow missed it, go read Blue Moon Over Mankas, you'll be glad you did :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: I wrote the first half of this right after I uploaded the last chapter, but got distracted with school stuff, and friend stuff, and only just finished it now while I had a few minutes spare time. Now I have to go off to school and waste some time since I've pretty much finished all of my assignments. Two days left! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight.**

**Chapter Sixteen: My Daughter's Mother**

EPOV

When I woke, I was instantly aware. Last night's conversation with Bella was fresh in my mind, and I felt slightly overwhelmed as I pulled her closer into my embrace. Pressing my face to her neck, I breathed in her scent. She smelt like freesia and lavender. Her body was a warm comfort; I never wanted to let her go.

I knew that it would be easier for us if I left before she woke, but I couldn't bring myself to withdraw from her. Gently, I pressed my lips to her shoulder.

After a few minutes Bella began to stir. She began to wriggle in my arms, and then she froze. She let out a sort of strangled cry and began struggling more forcefully against me.

'Bella,' I said quietly but firmly, withdrawing my arms but staying close to her. She froze again, then turned her head to look at me. She looked… terrified.

The look only lasted a moment, but it chilled me to the bone. Her face changed into an expression of horror. 'Oh, Edward. I'm so sorry.'

I pulled her into me again, this time with her body facing mine, and relished this new aspect of closeness. She didn't make any attempt to prevent me, and in fact rested her head on my arm comfortably. 'Don't be sorry,' I told her.

'We didn't fall asleep like that,' she explained softly. 'I woke up with someone's arms around me, and I couldn't think, even though a part of me knew that it was you, and that it was okay. It wasn't fear of you, I promise.'

I smiled at her constant attempt to convince me that she wasn't afraid of me. I pressed my lips against her hair, hoping she wouldn't notice, or perhaps hoping that she would. Whether she did or not she sighed and relaxed fully into my embrace.

'You're so warm,' she murmured, pressing her forehead against my bare chest. If I'd been more prepared I would have grabbed a t-shirt to make her more comfortable, but she didn't seem to mind that I was wearing only boxers. One of her arms slipped around my waist and she began to trace light patterns on my back with her fingertips.

Glancing up at the digital clock on the bedside table, I read the time to be 10:03. 'Bella, we have to get up,' I told her.

She nodded but didn't move. I nudged her lightly and pulled away enough to see her face. It was blank. 'Are you okay?' I asked.

Bella shrugged slightly. 'I think sol. I don't know whether to be excited or afraid. What if she doesn't like me?'

How could any one not? I wanted to ask, but thought that it might be taking it too far considering we were lying in bed together. 'She'll love you,' I assured her, knowing that it would be true. 'She won't understand who you are, but from what you and Alice have told me Rebecca and Peter are wonderful people, and I can't see them raising Amy to hate you. Weren't they the ones encouraging you to come and visit?'

'That doesn't mean she'll like me.'

Instead of answering her impossible thought, I detangled myself from her and took her hand, pulling her gently out of bed. 'Get dressed,' I said, 'and we'll go down to breakfast. I think its still open for anther half-hour.'

We both got changed quickly – her in the bedroom and me in the bathroom – and then we took the elevator down to the bottom floor, where we had vouchers for a buffet breakfast in their restaurant.

As she came and joined me at our table, a bowl of fruit and yoghurt before her, I carefully chose my next words. 'Do you know of any good places to visit in Phoenix?' I asked her casually.

'Why?' she said, spooning some yoghurt into her mouth. 'We're leaving tonight.'

I gathered some bacon and egg onto my fork and took a bite before continuing. 'Yeah, well, I thought I might go out while you're at Rebecca's, instead of waiting here while you're gone.'

_Please, please ask me,_ I begged.

Bella was frozen, her wide eyes staring at me, her spoon raised half way to her mouth. Her lips parted as if to speak but then she closed them again, swallowed, licked her lips. 'I'm sorry, I don't know what there is to do,' she said quietly, dropping her eyes from mine.

Well that plan had failed miserably.

The only sound was the clinking of my knife and fork on my plate. Bella had stopped eating, her spoon still in her hand. The yoghurt was slowly dripping off of the spoon and back into her bowl.

'Will you come with me to meet Amy?' she asked suddenly, the words almost stumbling over each other in her haste to get them out.

I smiled and relaxed. 'Of course I'll come,' I told her. Her whole face brightened and she resumed her breakfast. I felt my heart warm at the happiness on her face. Does she even know what affect she has on me? Does she even realise how lovely, and loved, she looks right now?

Back up in the apartment Bella disappeared into the bedroom again. I turned on the television and flicked between channels, not really watching anything, while I waited. Eventually I couldn't wait anymore – we had to leave in the next few minutes or we'd be late, and I knew Bella wouldn't want that. If it wasn't for the fact that I could hear her quiet movements in the next room I would have panicked and gone in long before now. I walked up to the door and knocked on it gently.

'Bella? Are you all right? We're going to have to leave soon.'

I heard a frustrated sigh on the other side of the door. 'You can come in,' she said loudly.

Twisting the doorknob quickly, I peeked my head into the room. Bella was sitting on the bed beside her suitcase, clothes surrounding her on the bed and on the floor. She was dressed differently from before, but her clothes didn't seem to match. She looked up at me helplessly. 'I don't know what to wear,' she admitted.

I tried not to laugh, knowing that it wouldn't be a shallow reasoning that bothered her. 'What was wrong with the clothes you had on?' I asked, honestly clueless.

She mumbled something that I didn't hear. From her furious blush I knew she thought I'd consider it stupid.

'Sorry?'

'It wasn't very motherly,' she said louder, huffing.

It was a serious challenge to stop the corners of my mouth from turning up. 'Bella, no one expects you to look like a mother. You looked fine before.' _You looked _amazing_ before._ 'Why don't you just put those clothes back on, we're really going to have to leave in a minute.'

Her eyes held mine searchingly, then she dropped her gaze and nodded. 'I won't be a minute,' she promised.

BPOV

In the taxi I held my hands clasped tightly in my lap. Really, they were twisting and my nails dug into them hard, but I couldn't keep still. Edward reached over and took both of my hands in one of his, pulling them out of my lap to rest between us. 'Stop worrying,' he said, smiling slightly.

I couldn't ignore the slight jolt I felt in my heart at that smile. My mind went immediately back to the start of my morning, when I'd woken up in his arms. After my initial shock – I still couldn't believe how stupid I was for reacting in such a way – it had been the most comfortable sensation, lying in bed with Edward's arms wrapped around me, and the feeling of my cheek against his warm chest. But most important was the lack of awkwardness between us; maybe it would be possible to get past this stupid crush and continue our friendship.

Edward squeezed my hands gently. 'I know you're nervous,' he said, smiling. 'But aren't you just a little excited?'

I grinned back at him, grateful for his easygoing manner. 'You know I'm excited,' I said, pulling one of my arms free so I could push his shoulder playfully. 'I wouldn't be here if I was just scared.' I smiled at him thoughtfully. 'You don't know how grateful I am that you're here with me,' I said honestly. 'In Phoenix, but here, too. It's so good to be able to share this with someone that I trust so much.'

Squeezing the hand he still held, Edward looked at me appraisingly. 'You know I wouldn't have let you come alone, and it was obvious how much you wanted to meet Amy. And besides, maybe I just like spending time with you.'

The joy and the guilt were simultaneous.

'Which number was it?' the taxi driver asked, forcing me to the here and now.

I recited the number and a few minutes later we were pulling up in front of a house. I sat in the car and simply stared for a few moments. It was beautiful, with an extreme modern feel about it. My lungs tightened as I thought who was on the other side of those walls.

The door opened and I looked up to see Edward offering his hand. I hadn't even noticed him getting out the car. I stared up at him, knowing my eyes would be wide and frightened.

Edward leaned in and unbuckled my seatbelt for me, since I hadn't even gotten that far, then took my hand and pulled me gently onto the footpath. 'You'll be fine,' he whispered in my ear as we walked slowly up to the front door.

On the front porch, I stared at the doorbell, unable to reach forward and press the tiny button. Edward's arm came around me protectively, and he reached forward to push his finger against the button. 'She'll love you,' he insisted, somehow knowing my thoughts. He pressed his lips against my forehead and I took as much comfort from it as possible.

I heard the rattling of the doorknob a moment before the door opened, and I used that tiny moment to try and prepare myself. I knew it was pointless – if I wasn't prepared by now I never would be – but the deep breath helped me focus a little.

The door opened, and Edward's hand tightened slightly on my waist. I leaned into his touch as I came face to face with my daughter's mother.

I'd only met Rebecca and Peter once, during their application interview. I avoided their calls enough that they'd learnt to only send letters, although they'd constantly dropped hints that they'd welcome a phone call or a visit.

Rebecca and Peter were only a few years older than me, but they'd been wanting children since they'd been married almost seven years ago. They'd tried everything, but nothing that they would do would make her conceive. Eventually they'd turned to adoption, and had found me.

Rebecca's smile was immediate. 'Bella! I'm so glad that you came all this way.' She motioned Edward and I inside. The inside of her house was as beautiful as the outside, with the same modern feel. I looked around as she led us into her kitchen. 'Can I get the two of you anything?'

'Just some water, please,' I said, taking the seat she offered at the breakfast bar. 'This is Edward, by the way,' I added, gesturing to him as he sat beside me. 'He's a good friend of mine.'

Rebecca smiled warmly as she placed a cool glass in front of each of us. 'It's very nice to meet you, Edward,' she said.

I looked around again. 'Where are Peter and Amy?' I asked, sure that there was no one else here.

'Amy was spending some time with my parents,' Rebecca explained. 'Peter left to pick her up about ten minutes a go. He should be home shortly.' She tilted her head slightly to the side, appraising me. 'You must be very anxious,' she said quietly.

I nodded, and felt Edward's hand reaching for mine once more. He squeezed it tightly, letting me know he was here for me. I smiled at him gratefully.

'Just a little nervous,' I admitted.

Rebecca put her glass down on the counter. 'Would you like to see some photos while you wait? We have plenty.'

I agreed and Rebecca led us into the lounge room. Pulling a large photo album out of a cupboard, she handed it to us where we sat on the couch. 'I'll give the two of you a few minutes,' she said quietly, perhaps seeing the expression on my face.

Edward wrapped his arm tightly around my waist, almost crushing me to him, but I welcomed the comfort. 'I'm here for you,' he told me as my hands rested on the top of the album.

I nodded in acknowledgement but couldn't find words to tell him how much I appreciated this. I watched my hands trembling as I slowly opened the album, revealing the first page.

Amy was in every picture. Sometimes she was being held by Rebecca, sometimes by Peter, sometimes by people I didn't know. In the last lot of pages she was standing by herself, and walking.

This was my daughter. These were the precious moments of her life that I had missed. I felt horrible, and lonely, but I was grateful that Amy had gone to a family that loved her.

Rebecca stepped back into the room as I closed the album. 'I have copies of all of the photographs,' she told me. 'Peter and I want you to have this.'

My head snapped up to look at her, and shook my head adamantly. 'No, I can't take this.' I turned to look at Edward. 'Jacob –'

'I'll look after it for you,' Edward offered. 'I'll keep it at Alice's. Jacob still won't have to know.'

I felt myself relax, but still couldn't shake the anxiety that I felt knowing that Peter would be returning soon with Amy. 'Thankyou,' I said, to both of them. Rebecca had a strange look on her face as she looked between Edward and me.

Before I could consider her expression, the sound of a car pulling up outside chased away any possibility of coherent thoughts.

I felt my body stiffen, and Edward's arm, which had slackened as we'd relaxed, tightened around me again. I clutched at his free hand, feeling terror course up through me.

I couldn't do this. What was I thinking? I was not ready to meet her, I probably would _never_ be ready to meet her. What if she didn't like me? What I didn't like _her?_ That's what I was really afraid of – that this beautiful being that I had given life to would only remind me of the night my parents died, the night that I was used and abused and impregnated by someone just looking for kicks. Even being in Edward's presence couldn't make me forget the night of my rape, but it helped to make me less aware – I was distracted more easily, my mind on other things. But what if nothing helped once I was face to face with the product of my rape?

I couldn't bear those memories to be foremost in my mind again.

Rebecca stood up and walked over to the door, giving us some semblance of privacy. I pressed my cheek against Edward's chest, wishing that I could have the feel of my face against his warm naked skin again. His hand moved up to stroke my hair and he pressed his lips against my temple. 'You'll be okay, Bella. Don't worry, everything will be fine. And I'm here for you, no matter what.'

I nodded my head slightly in acknowledgement, but most of my attention was on the large window before us. My view was obscured by a lacy curtain, but I could see the silhouette of a man, and the thing in his arms was obviously a small child. My child, my flesh and blood. Amy.

I held my breath as Rebecca opened the door.

**AN: Next chapter: Bella meeting Amy. Yay! Finally! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, personally I can't wait for Bella and Edward to get closer together but there's a reason they're reluctant for anything to happen. One of my reviewers explained it perfectly, but I'm not sure which one so I guess if you wanna know you're just gonna have to look for yourself! And while you're at it, I guess you can review me too! Amazing how all of this works out, huh!**


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: So I know that this chapter is up really, really late, especially compared to my normal standards, and you'd think that since I finished school on Monday I'd have heaps and heaps of time to write, but I've been flat out all week. And the one time that I wasn't doing anything I had a massive headache and was almost in tears from trying to look at the computer screen. Yesterday, however, I had a really awesome day and although I'd been at work for 10 hours the moment I got home I was typing away. You can only type for so long though before you start to fall asleep, so here this is this morning. But probably not this morning for you American folk. Well anyway, here's the next chapter: :)**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight, and I am not Steph. I would like to own Rob, though, since all I've heard of Never Think is a really REALLY crappy recording, and it still almost made me cry. Maybe I'm just a sap.**

**Chapter Seventeen: Amy**

EPOV

I held Bella close to me as Rebecca opened the front door. I wanted desperately to see her face, to know her expression, but I kept my arms tight around her, echoing the strength of her hands clutching my arms. Her face was pressing against my chest with a force that could not have been comfortable for her, but there was no possibility of me pulling away from her… ever.

I knew that Bella didn't see it like this, but what I was witnessing today was beautiful. The reunion between a mother and her daughter was magnificent, and she was letting me be a part of it.

A man – presumably Peter – stepped into the house, kissing Rebecca on the forehead briefly. Turning to us, he stepped into the room slightly, a hesitant smile on his face.

I nudged Bella gently and she looked up at me for an immeasurable moment before standing up. Her hand clutched mine tightly, pulling me along with her. When she stepped forward, however, I held back, knowing that this moment was hers, no matter that she wanted to share it with me.

Peter walked slowly up to Bella, whose eyes were locked on the tiny being in his arms. Amy was beautiful; she sat in her father's arms contently, staring wide-eyed at the stranger before her. Her hair and eyes were the same hue as Bella's: there was no doubt whose daughter she was. Bella's hand was trembling in mine.

'Bella, this is Amy,' Peter said, a knowing look in his eye as he watched Bella.

Her hand slipped out of mine as she stepped forward, her other hand raised uncertainly before her.

'Amy,' she whispered, her shaking hand gently stroking her daughter's curls. Amy looked around curiously, obviously confused about the situation. 'Can I hold her?' Bella asked, without lifting her eyes from Amy.

'Of course,' Rebecca said as Peter shifted his grip so that Bella could easily take her.

Once she had Amy in her arms, Bella moved back so that she could sit on the couch. Finally I saw her face, and she had never looked more beautiful. Her expression was one of pure wonder as she stared at this being that she had created. I felt a surge of jealousy, wishing that she would look at me with that intense happiness on her face, but immediately passed it off as stupid and inappropriate for the current situation. Bella stared at Amy, and I stared at the two of them, wishing more than anything that I could be a part of that.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned my head to see Peter smiling at me. 'I think that maybe Bella might like a moment alone.'

I looked back to see Bella still in her entranced state, and couldn't stop my own smile as I followed Peter and Rebecca into the kitchen, knowing that Bella would very possibly not even notice us leaving.

'Thankyou so much,' I said to them as Rebecca replaced the glass of water in front of me and joined Peter and I at the kitchen table. 'Neither of you know quite how much it means to Bella to finally meet Amy.'

'Probably not,' Rebecca agreed, 'but I can see the look on her face and know how happy she is. Thankyou for coming with her. I don't know Bella too well, but I know she's somewhat reserved, and I was surprised to get her phone call. The offer has always been open for Bella and Amy to meet; we owe Bella everything.' Her hand rested on Peter's forearm, and I saw the love pass between the two of them. If Amy could be loved anywhere, it would be here.

'How long have you and Bella been seeing each other?' Peter asked.

_If only._ 'I'm sorry; Peter, Bella and I aren't together. She's just a very good friend of mine.'

A strange look crossed Rebecca's face, but after a moment she smiled. 'That's right. Is she still seeing Jacob? I think she seemed happy when she wrote about him.'

My mind darkened unreasonably at the mention of his name, and I knew the feeling to be jealousy. 'Yes, she is. She seems happy enough.'

'Why isn't he here?'

'Jacob doesn't know about Amy. Bella hasn't told anyone except for the close friends that she knew whilst she was pregnant.'

Rebecca frowned. 'She hasn't mentioned you before.'

I smiled thinly. 'Yes, well, I guess I'm the exception to that rule. We haven't known each other for very long. I'm her friend Alice's cousin.'

'Yes, we know Alice.' Peter put a soothing hand over his wife's, and she discontinued her questioning. 'In that case, our gratitude is only stronger to you for accompanying Bella.'

After maybe only ten minutes I began to get restless. It was all good and nice to sit here and chat with Bella's daughter's adoptive parents, but it was too much torture to have only a wall between Bella and me and to not be with her. I excused myself from the conversation and walked back into the lounge room.

Bella didn't notice me at first, so I took advantage of the situation and just watched her for a moment. She was still practically glowing as she sat on the couch, watching Amy as she played with some toys on the floor. Bella blinked a few times and tears began to slowly flow down her cheeks. I stepped forward, drawing her attention to me.

I felt almost winded by the intensity of her happiness as her eyes met and held mine. Her arm reached out to me hesitantly and I took it immediately, wrapping both of my arms tightly around her and pressing my cheek against her hair. She pressed herself into me, either understanding my need to hold her close or feeling a need of her own. 'Bella,' I whispered desperately, wishing now more than ever that it would be okay for me to lean down and kiss her, share her happiness.

'She's perfect,' she murmured, shifting in my arms slightly so that she could continue watching Amy. 'I thought I'd be scared of her, like I still am of him, but she's nothing like him. How could something so small and beautiful, so innocent and pure, ever remind me of something so horrible?'

I pressed my lips against the top of her head and hoped she wouldn't notice. 'She's so beautiful,' I told her. 'She looks so much like you.'

Bella glanced up at me and smiled slightly. 'Are you saying you think I'm beautiful?' she asked playfully.

How could she think any differently? 'You know I think you're beautiful,' I said quietly.

She blushed furiously but held my gaze. Then slowly, carefully, she leaned back in and pressed her face against my chest, her eyes going back to Amy. Closing my own eyes and suppressing a groan, I cursed myself for taking things too far again and making her uncomfortable. She liked me – "too much" – but I knew that there was no possibility that she'd want to act on those feelings. I knew how much it upset her to even consider the possibility of betraying her boyfriend, and I would only be making it harder for her if I was constantly reminding her of what stood between us.

I didn't want it to stand between us: I wanted her to be mine. But I had too much respect for her to ever force her to make such a choice.

'I'm so glad I came,' Bella whispered as Amy threw a toy away abruptly and roughly grabbed a doll, waving it in the air and giggling. 'And I'm so happy you came with me.'

We sat like that for a long time, the two of us holding each other close, staring at Amy as she played with her toys, carefree. A little while later Rebecca came to let us know that lunch was ready, and we followed her into the kitchen. Bella watched intently as Amy followed us. She watched, mesmerised, as Amy played with her food and got more of it on her than in her mouth, and although Rebecca scolded her lightly I could see the love in her eyes, and the adoration in Bella's.

The time to leave came all too soon. Bella picked Amy up again and gave her a tight hug before placing her in Rebecca's arms with obvious reluctance. Her eyes were glistening, although no tears fell. I wrapped my arm around her waist and held her close, and she smiled up at me, thanking me for the support. 'I'd like to visit again sometime,' she said shyly. Rebecca and Peter smiled back warmly.

'Of course,' Rebecca said. 'You know that you're welcome any time. And feel free to give us a call, any time.'

'Have you got the album?' Peter asked.

I held it up to show that we had it. I'd look after it like my most cherished possession for as long as Bella asked it of me.

'Have a safe trip home,' Rebecca said as we stood on the doorstep.

'Thankyou,' Bella said gratefully. 'And thankyou for inviting me for lunch today, it means so much.'

As she finished speaking, our taxi pulled up to the curb. After a quick goodbye, and a long glance at Amy, I followed Bella into the cab.

Inside, she fell back heavily against the seat. 'I never thought it would be like this. Thankyou so much for coming with me, I wouldn't be here without you.'

I took her hand and smiled at her, squeezing gently. 'It was my pleasure. Really.'

The ride back to the hotel passed in near silence, as did the elevator ride up to our room. Bella collapsed onto the couch and I fell right beside her. This day had been emotionally draining for me; I couldn't imagine how she must be feeling. 'So, what are our plans for the afternoon?' she asked through a yawn.

In response, I opened my arms and pointed at my chest. She looked at me blankly.

'Bella, you're obviously tired. So maybe I am to. And right now I'm comfy, and I know you're comfy to sleep with, so what's wrong with an afternoon nap?' Really I just wanted a chance to be closer to her under the guise of a casual, friendly gesture.

After eyeing me warily for a moment she seemed to come to a decision and kicked her shoes off. I settled in a little more comfortably and wrapped my arms around her as she settled against me with her head lying on my chest.

'I love the sound of your heartbeat,' she said sleepily, snuggling closer to me.

It wasn't fair that it felt so right to have her falling asleep in my arms. After only a few minutes her breathing had evened out enough that I knew she must be asleep, and I began to stroke her back lightly. My other hand came up and gently brushed a few stray hairs off her angelic face. I wanted to be the one who she could turn to for anything, at any time. I wanted her to understand that I would be that for her, but I knew she wouldn't be comfortable with such an open offer.

_The moment I get back to Forks and have a few minutes, alone, I'm calling Tanya,_ I thought. I knew for sure that it wasn't really the baby problem anymore. I knew it'd be wrong to break up with her over the phone, but wouldn't it be nicer to stop trailing her along? Surely she'd be grateful for it? I couldn't lie to myself anymore and say that I was thinking about us having a baby, because I knew that it wasn't the thought of having children that was scaring me away. I didn't want to have a baby with Tanya. But seeing Bella with Amy today… Maybe I could stomach the idea of having a little Amy with Bella.

Was this love? It was more love than I'd ever felt with anyone before.

I wasn't aware of falling asleep, but when I next looked at the clock on the tiny VCR near the couch it was nearly ten o'clock. Trying to ignore the awkward pain in my back, I shook Bella gently to wake her. She groaned gently and shifted on top of me, but didn't wake. 'Bella, come on,' I said softly. 'We have to move, we can't sleep here all night.'

I shook her gently again. 'Bella, are you awake?'

She pressed herself closer to me. 'No,' she mumbled into my chest.

I had to laugh. 'We have to move, imagine how sore we'll be in the morning.' Or right now, in my case. But I wasn't complaining.

'Don't wanna,' she said childishly. 'I'm comfy.'

I bent down and kissed her forehead. 'So am I, sweetheart, but I think my leg's starting to cramp.'

Immediately she sat up, pushing herself off of me. 'Oh, God, I'm sorry! I must have been squashing you!'

I laughed aloud. 'Don't be ridiculous. You weigh next to nothing, as if you could squash me.'

Bella stretched, groaning a little as her muscles loosened. 'I don't think I'm really tired anymore,' she said. 'I'm a little hungry, though,' she added sheepishly.

I grinned at her and reached for the phone book sitting on the coffee table next to the couch. 'Pizza or Chinese?'

Fifteen minutes later we were sprawled out on the floor with a large pizza box between us. I lifted a slice out and began to pick off the slices of pineapple. I glanced over at Bella to see her staring at me. 'What?' I asked.

She opened her mouth slightly, closed it and shook her head, then tried again. 'What is _wrong_ with you? That's the best bit?'

Rolling my eyes, I took a large bite out of my pineapple-less pizza. I was starving since it was so late and we'd slept through dinner. 'You have your preferences, I have mine,' I said simply.

'Yeah, well some preferences aren't allowed,' she muttered. I laughed at her.

'Esme's the same,' I told her. 'She can't understand how I can't like it, but it's not like I can help it. She doesn't like mango, and if there isn't a more perfect fruit…' I trailed off, realising that she wasn't listening to me. 'Bella?' I asked gently.

She was staring at the untouched slice of pizza in her hand, a glum expression on her face. She didn't physically respond when I called her name, but after a moment she sighed slightly. 'Are we going to talk about it?' she asked me, her voice so quiet I could barely hear it.

I didn't need to ask her what she was referring to; it hadn't been far from my mind all day. 'Not if you're uncomfortable with it,' I assured her, knowing that this conversation had the potential to hurt both of us more than anything else.

She shook her head slowly. 'I'm not uncomfortable,' she said honestly. 'I'm… scared.' Her voice grew slightly desperate. 'I'm scared of what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. I don't want to ruin our friendship by being unable to think of you as just a friend. You mean too much to me for me to lose you altogether.'

'Bella,' I said, reaching out to stroke her cheek gently. 'You're never going to lose me. I'll always be here for you, as whoever you need me to be. I wish I could have more with you, but if I can't I'll be happy as long as I can see you.' She closed her eyes and turned her face into my palm. 'I would never ask you to choose between me and Jacob, and I know you have too much respect for him to betray him in any way. And I have too much respect for you to let you, because I know how much it would hurt you.'

She didn't say anything, but a single tear glistened its way down her cheek. I moved my thumb to wipe it away. 'Don't be sad, Bella,' I whispered. 'We're not doing anything wrong.'

Her eyes squeezed shut slightly tighter. 'But I want to be,' she said in a voice even lower than mine. 'I want you so much, in every way. I want you so much more than I've ever wanted him.'

Not knowing what to say to that, I moved the pizza box – practically untouched – out from between us and shuffled closer to her, pulling her into my arms. 'Just know that I _am_ here for you,' I assured her. 'In whatever form you need, I'll always be here for you.'

I felt her shake her head against me. 'No, please. Don't give me an option.'

Oh, how much I wanted to give her an option! But instead, knowing it was best for her, I pulled her gently out of my arms. 'How about we finish this pizza off and then head to bed?'

Taking a deep breath, she nodded, then reached forward to pull the box back to us. I kept one arm around her, knowing that I was probably just playing with fire but unable to keep any real distance between us. Once the pizza was finished I realised that Bella was almost falling asleep again beside me, so I picked her up and took her to the bedroom. This time I didn't wait for her invitation and just slipped into bed beside her, taking her into my arms and pretending, just for the night, that she could be mine.

**AN: Hope meeting Amy was alright, I know it's a big part of the story but I like writing Bella/Edward fluff more :). Was gonna write the first part of this chapter in Bella's POV, but since I don't have a long lost daughter I figured I'd take the easy way out and just write what Edward thinks it's like for her, since I doubt I'd be able to pull it off in Bella's POV. Next chapter HOPEFULLY up soon!****HOH**


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: OMG! Dave the Laugh and Masimo the Luurve God almost got into fisty cuffs at dawn over Georgia and then Masimo walked away from her! Oh! Lol, just finished reading "Stop in the name of PANTS", my immature release. If you know what I'm on about you're awesome :)**

**Because I was so inspired by the reviews that I got, here's another chapter. This one came out easier because I knew what I wanted to happen. The "don't think, just feel" bit is from personal experience, so don't think Edward's being a rude selfish prick, cause he's too perfect to be anything other than… perfect.**

**I love reviewers. There's a few in particular that always make me smile when I see that I've gotten a review from them. I was going to make a mention cause I'm in a generous thanking mood, but I can't remember anyone's exact names except for one and I don't want to look like I'm playing favourites. If you want to see who's awesome go and look for the people who review every chapter and always have something worthwhile to say… or who constantly threaten to set the Volturi on me, that's just as good and always makes me laugh.**

**I know some of you will love this chapter mwahahaha!**

**Chapter Eighteen: Maybe**

BPOV

When I realised that I was slowly waking up, I knew it was the start of a good day. It always was when I had the chance to enjoy this time in my semi-conscious state. The feeling of carefree elation only intensified when I became aware of the warm set of arms around me, and the warm, hard chest beneath my cheek. Just for now, I'd forget that it was wrong, that we both belonged to other people. I wouldn't feel bad for sleeping in the same bed as someone to save room. Besides, I was half-asleep, I didn't know any better. Right?

Ignoring the fact that I'd probably still feel horrible about it later, I snuggled closer into Edward's arms and felt them tighten around me in response. After a moment he sighed contently and shifted slightly. 'You 'wake?' he breathed, only just audible.

'Mmm,' I replied in the same tone. I wanted to tell him not to talk and ruin the moment but I couldn't deny myself the pleasure of hearing his perfect voice. I'd take whatever comes, I decided happily.

He mumbled something that included "time", and I remembered that sometime today we had a plane to catch.

'Don't wanna move,' I murmured back, and he huffed a laugh.

'Watch,' he muttered.

His watch would be on the bedside table, and I didn't want him to move and ruin my perfect little fantasy. 'No,' I said in a would-be-firm voice, wrapping my arms around him tightly.

He laughed lightly again and settled back on the bed. 'Okay. But if we miss the plane it's your fault.'

I lifted one eyelid a fraction. 'It's still completely dark, Edward. Our flight isn't until nine.'

He was quiet for a very long moment, and I felt the sudden tension in the air. 'Bella,' he began, but I interrupted him, knowing that if I wasn't honest about what was on my mind now I never would be.

'I don't want to leave.'

He fell into silence again, and we lay there for at least a few minutes. I felt suddenly very torn.

'Leave what, Bella? Phoenix? Amy?'

Amy, my perfect little Amy. She was beautiful. But I'd given her up two years ago and as much as I loved her I couldn't take her away from her parents. 'This bed, Edward,' I admitted. 'We're so comfortable and peaceful, and everything feels so right. I don't want to go home, where we have to pretend that everything is okay.'

Edward exhaled slowly. 'It can be okay, if you want it to be. I can get up out of this bed right now and spend the rest of the night on the couch. Once we get back to Forks I will go to Alice's and you will go to your apartment. You'll go to work and then come home to… to Jacob. I'll go back to Chicago. Maybe I'll visit Esme every now and then, and we'll bump into each other. And we can forget this ever happened.'

I knew it was irrational and wrong, the fear that coursed through me at his words. I knew I should see my way out and take it. But he'd gotten one bit wrong. I moved back far enough that I could just make out his face in the darkness. 'I could never forget you,' I told him softly, wanting to wipe the tears from my eyes but unable to remove my arms from him.

His face seemed to fall at my words. I saw his eyes close. 'Don't say that,' he whispered. 'Don't say things that make me feel like that, it just makes me want to –'

Unable to stand the agony on his face and in his voice, I did the only thing that I could think of that stood a chance of ridding him of his sadness. The only thing I'd wanted to do, if I was honest with myself, since I'd realised how much of a king, generous, warm person he was.

I moved my hands up from his waist to hold onto his neck and pressed my lips against his.

* * *

EPOV

'We can forget this ever happened.'

That was honestly one of the biggest lies I've ever told. I'd never forget Bella: the way her skin felt so silky and soft on mine. The warmth of her tentative embrace, and the way my heart ached when she held me tightly like this. The way she blushed whenever I said something that was too much for our situation, and I knew she felt bad for liking it. The way she only wanted to do the right thing by everyone. Her perfect smile and adorable laugh. Even the fear that I was helping her overcome. There was not a thing about her that diluted my love for her.

Love. I loved her. I loved Bella Swan, the woman I can't have.

Bella shifted back slightly, and I could see her face in the dim moonlight streaming through the thin curtain. Her cheeks glistened slightly and I longed to wipe them dry, but I couldn't bring myself to lift my arms from around her shoulders and waist. 'I could never forget you,' she said, her voice thick with unspoken emotion.

Her words almost undid me. I closed my eyes to stop the threatening tears – I couldn't even remembered the last time I cried – and turned my face away slightly, wishing there was somewhere for me to hide from her and my pain. I wanted her so much, and to my hopeful heart that just sounded like an invitation. What torturous agony! 'Don't say that,' I pleaded desperately. 'Don't say things that make me feel like that, it just makes me want to –'

Her hands quickly moved to grasp my neck and she pulled herself closer to me. My words died on my lips as hers met them in the gentlest of kisses. I responded immediately, unthinkingly, tightening one arm around her waist and moving the other up to twine into her beautiful chestnut hair, keeping her mouth on mine as I pressed my lips a little harder onto hers. As the knowledge that I was kissing her – kissing Bella, my beautiful Bella – fully dawned on me, I let out a low moan and rolled over so that I was lying partially on top of her, supporting myself on my elbows so as not to crush her or scare her.

Whimpering slightly, Bella pushed herself closer to me. I passed it off as an outlet of passion – well, hoped it was so, really – but as I began to feel her shaking slightly underneath me I pulled back. 'Bella,' I whispered.

Her tiny hands tried to pull me back down but I resisted. There were tears slipping from the corners of her eyes and she looked up at me pleadingly. 'Please, Edward, don't stop.'

Thinking only of ridding her of those tears, I bent back down and kissed her again softly, relishing in the taste and feel of her lips. Her lips kept withdrawing from mine momentarily and it took me a second to realise that she was desperately sucking in quick breaths. Her shaking increased and then she let out a loud sob. I tried to pull away again, feeling more confused than I ever had at the combined feelings of elation and sorrow that battled through me, but she tugged painfully at my hair. 'Edward, don't…'

But her sobs prevented her from kissing me any longer, and I rolled back onto my side, gathering her in my arms and trying to comfort her. I'd pushed her too far, and now she was probably just as terrified of me as of everyone else. 'Bella, it's okay. Please don't be upset, I'm so sorry. If you don't feel safe with me anymore I'll leave –'

'No,' she said, struggling out of my grip and sitting up quickly. 'I'm not scared of you, Edward! I just… I can't deal with all these thoughts and feelings, it's too much! I feel so free and wonderful and so… _fearless_, and I want you so much, I want to kiss you so much, but I can't stop thinking about how guilty I should feel… and I _do_ feel guilty, but surely it should be worse than this! It's too much, Edward.' Her voice broke as she said my name.

I sat up and took her face in both my hands, forcing her to look up at me. With my thumbs I wiped away her tears. 'Then stop thinking,' I told her – begged her. I knew how selfish my suggestion was, but the part of myself that wanted this the most whispered that maybe it would make her feel better, too. There was a chance, so I selfishly pounced on it. 'Stop thinking, and just _feel_.'

She looked up at me, her eyes so wide and helpless, her defences completely lowered. In that moment, I knew she trusted me, and I knew that she wanted this, too. Punctuating my words, I leaned forward and kissed her, the same gentle kiss as before.

It was a moment before she kissed me back, but when she did, I could tell that this time, she wasn't letting her thoughts get in the way. I followed her lead and stopped thinking about kissing Bella, and _really_ kissed her. I kissed her with all the passion I could muster, all the love I could gather, desperate to show her how much she meant to me. I knew that tonight might be all we had, and I wanted to make the most of it.

Those few hours until dawn were more than I could ever ask for. We lay together on the bed, always touching, our kisses soft and gentle. We spoke only occasionally, but when we did our voices were soft and unobtrusive, as though speaking too loudly would shatter the perfect little world we'd built for ourselves in this bed, away from anything that could worry us. Occasionally I would feel her withdraw – both physically and emotionally – and I'd remind her to stop thinking and just feel.

If only I could really stop doing the same.

It felt perfect, but it was a strained perfect, in my eyes. It was tainted by the knowledge that although it _felt_ like she was mine, I'd have to let her go in the morning. And she'd be going back to Jacob.

* * *

BPOV

We'd been laying in silence for quite some time when I realised that it was light enough to see Edward clearly. I was lying on top of him, listening to his heartbeat while he played with my hair, twining it around his fingers. He seemed to notice it just as I did. 'We need to get up,' he said quietly.

Instead of arguing with him this time, I shifted off him and slipped out of the bed, although not without reluctance. 'I'm going to have a shower,' I told him, grabbing my towel – and clothes, this time. He nodded, a small smile on his face as he watched me.

'Bella,' he said as I reached the door. Suppressing a smile at the thought that he was calling me back, I turned around and raised an eyebrow at him.

The smile was gone. 'I don't regret last night,' he told me, his eyes boring into mine intently. 'Whatever happens now, I'll never regret it.'

Feeling my heart swell painfully, I just nodded before leaving for the bathroom. After closing and locking the door behind me, I turned the tap on and waited for the water to warm up. Once it was hot enough I stripped down quickly and stepped under the spray, enjoying the instant comfort of the water.

I felt so insanely guilty. But I didn't feel guilty for this morning – I felt guilty for _not_ feeling guilty. As Edward had said, I had no regrets. I couldn't make myself feel bad for enjoying him so much. And his kisses… Even when he kissed me so softly that our lips were barely touching I could feel the passion behind it. The tender way that he touched me had driven me slightly crazy. And the way that he'd start to deepen the kiss but then draw back to light kisses was adorable; was he afraid of pushing me? I'd wanted more than anything to deepen our kisses, but I couldn't bring myself to push myself that far. I wanted to part my lips and taste him, but I had some strange notion that if I went further than I'd been with Jacob, it'd be betraying him too much. Like I hadn't taken that step already.

Maybe it was strange that I hadn't even kissed Jacob properly, since we were living together, but whenever I thought of it that familiar fear rose up again. But with Edward, nothing seemed to scare me. I wanted him to have all of me, and this time it was only my twisted morals that stood in the way.

After realising that I'd been standing immobile and just letting the water run over me, I quickly washed myself and stepped out of the shower. Dressing simply in trackies and a singlet for the flight home, I towel dried my hair before stepped out into the main room.

Edward was sitting on the couch, flicking through the TV channels. When I stepped out of the bathroom he looked up at me. He smiled, but I could tell it was strained. I stared at him for a few seconds before I thought I guessed what he could be worrying about.

'I don't regret it either,' I told him honestly. 'I don't know where we go from here, and it scares me, but I don't regret it. I couldn't if I tried.'

A slow smile spread over his face, and I couldn't help but smile back. He stood up and walked over to me, kissing my forehead gently. 'I'm just going to have a shower real quick, then we'll go down and get some breakfast. I called a for a taxi to pick us up in an hour, and our stuff's already packed so we have plenty of time.'

I watched him as he disappeared into the bathroom, then took the spot on the couch that he'd recently vacated. It was warm, and as I pressed my face against the couch I realised that it smelt like him. I had to laugh when I realised what I was doing, then I sobered when I actually realised what I was doing.

How could I not feel guilty? Well, a part of me did feel guilty, but not a big enough part. I _couldn't _regret it, and I couldn't feel guilty enough to suit my conscience. There must be something wrong with me.

When I heard the water stop running in the bathroom my heart sped up and I immediately felt stupid. I listened to him moving around in the bathroom and felt a smile sneak onto my face as I heard the lock click and the doorknob turn. It only broadened when he opened the door and I laid eyes on him again.

I was like a stupid lovesick teenager. It wasn't right.

Edward smiled back at me. 'What are you grinning about?' he asked.

Feeling my cheeks heat up, I mumbled, 'Nothing,' and stood up to go get breakfast.

This time we sat side by side. I jumped slightly when I felt Edward's arm around my waist. 'Edward!' I hissed.

He looked down at me, surprised. 'What? I'll move my arm if you really want me to, but no one here knows us. They probably just assume we're together anyway.' He leaned in closer, his lips brushing gently against my ear as he spoke. 'Besides, I like being close to you.'

I knew his words were meant to be teasing, but I could see the genuine sentiment behind them and that's what I focused on. I leaned into him, pressing my head against his chest and wrapping his arm further around me. 'I'm so confused,' I admitted.

Edward exhaled heavily and kissed the top of my head. 'Don't worry about it just yet. We'll talk about what it means later. Can we just enjoy our time together for now?'

That was the problem. I wanted to enjoy our time together always. I couldn't leave Jacob, but how could I deny Edward?

Don't think, I told myself, repeating Edward's words from early this morning. Don't think, just feel, worry about it later. So I pressed myself closer to Edward, taking comfort in his warmth, and focused on my Coco Pops.

**AN: Hope this chapter lived up to your expectations. I hope what I was trying to write made sense, I'm a bit tired as I'm finishing up but I wanted to update tonight. I wanted to put across how much of a sad situation this is for both of them, and how sort of miserable they are, but its kind of hard. Please, please, please let me know what you think.**

**How's this for awesome: this chapter gets me over 100 pages on Word… how awesome would it be to match that with over 100 reviews?**

**P.S. Now I feel stupid for saying that since I checked how many reviews I have right now and it's 97. I thought it was less than that and it's be an awesome way to try and get more people to review. Review anyway? Lol.**


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: So here I am, just a little bit stoked with the response I got from the last chapter :) The amount of reviews I got almost doubled the previous record for one chapter, so thanks heaps you guys!**

**I want you guys to understand that this isn't going to be a typical "Bella and Edward get together near the start and face a tiny obstacle then happy ever after" story. There's so many of them out there in different shapes and forms, and I wanted to make this different. This isn't a happy story (I mean that overall; there will be happy bits in it), and Bella is hating herself and completely miserable at the prospect of liking someone else. So yes, Bella and Edward will get together (as I know most of you assume), but it won't be for a **_**long**_** time. It **_**won't**_** be easy, and Bella is still with Jacob for a reason. If you don't understand it or think Bella and/or Edward are being stupid/selfish, whatever, go read some of my reviews, they seem to explain it better than me, Olympic1340 in particular. I'm just trying to make it realistic, and I realise that I haven't had much Bella/Jacob interaction to make their relationship more real, but it'll be here next chapter, and hopefully you might get it more then.**

**I hope I don't seem to angry or anything, I just wanted to make it clear that you're in for a long ride on the Bella & Edward emotional train.**

**Disclaimer: Steph owns all.**

**Chapter Nineteen: Home?**

BPOV

How much time left?

Trying to be subtle about it, I twisted my wrist so that I could see the face of my watch. An hour. Only an hour.

I turned and looked out of the window, and then instantly regretted it as the movement separated me from Edward's touch. Fair enough, our arms were only pressed together because of the closeness of the aeroplane seats, but I'd been relishing that connection for the past hour and a half as we sat side by side on the plane. I didn't bother pretending to read; I knew it would just frustrate me. I wanted to talk to him, to say something, to see him smile, but I couldn't think of anything to say. How were you supposed to do this?

'How long are you staying in Forks for?' I asked, the first thing that came to my mind.

Edward looked down at me, a faint smile brushing his lips. 'I'm still not sure,' he told me. 'Once Esme and Carlisle move into their new home I'll have an actual bed to sleep on, so that might be more incentive to stay a little longer.' He nudged me playfully, and I felt myself smiling. 'Besides, I gotta keep that smile on your face.'

His arm wrapped casually around my shoulders and I leaned into him, feeling my heart swell. I breathed in his scent, not wanting to be anywhere else but here. I sighed, knowing that I'd have to bring it up sometime or else he would. 'Are we gonna talk about it?' I asked him quietly, aware that although it seemed like we had some privacy in our cramped aisle, if people were paying attention they could probably hear every word we said if we spoke too loudly.

It was a few seconds before he moved or spoke, and in those seconds I wished I hadn't said anything. 'What's there to talk about, Bella?'

I knew by his tone that he didn't mean it harshly, but his words cut me to shreds. He sounded so defeated. 'What are we going to do now?'

His arm slackened around me for a moment. 'I'm breaking up with Tanya once I figure out the right way to tell her. That was going to happen regardless.' He glanced down at me, and I saw the hesitation in his eyes. 'The rest is up to you, Bella. I'm not going to tell you what to do. But whatever you choose, I'm going to be here for you. All I want is to see you happy.'

I stared down at my hands as they writhed in my lap. Had I been happy before? I knew I must have been, and I remembered laughing and smiling, and feeling content, but how much more had I been laughing and smiling around Edward? Around him I didn't just feel content, I felt warm, happy and hopeful. I felt – I didn't want to think it, but I felt loved. I felt safe.

I owed so much to Jacob; without him I could honestly say that I didn't believe I would be alive today. He'd helped me heal without even knowing it, but there was a hole that even he hadn't been able to feel. The hole that let me feel the fear of that night in my bones. I knew I was safe with Jacob, but my heart didn't, so I couldn't fight the panic that still rose up in me all too often. None of it was his fault, and he couldn't even do anything about it since I wouldn't let him in. But I was afraid that if I told him what I was – an abused teenage mother – then he'd turn his back on me in disgust. He _had_ to know something wasn't right with me, after the amount of time we'd spent together, but he never brought it up and there was no way that I would after so long a silence.

He didn't try to touch me anymore, and I knew that that was half the problem. There was no way I'd be able to initiate anything between us, and he'd obviously given up hope once I'd freaked out a couple of times. But maybe now that I was better, if he started something I'd let him.

And with Edward last night… Although our kisses weren't hot and passionate, there was so much feeling in them that I'd almost wanted to cry. I could tell by his varying pressure that he was trying to be gentle, but his feelings kept taking over him and he'd press more firmly against me. And he hadn't pushed me once: a normal man would probably have been going at me for all I was worth, but he seemed content with the slow, gentle kisses.

I didn't know what I wanted. I was happy with Jacob, but I felt free with Edward. I needed to talk to someone about it, but Alice was too close to Edward for an impartial opinion from her, and I couldn't ask Rosalie to keep something from her. And who else did I have? I might have talked to Esme, were she not Edward's sister. For any other situation I would have gone to Edward himself, but obviously that wasn't an option here.

An obvious option was to forget that it had ever happened, but I couldn't just forget about all of this. I couldn't forget how carefree and calm I felt when I was around Edward, or how safe he made me feel. And I couldn't forget how his warm arms felt around me, and the taste of his lips…

I shook myself slightly to bring myself back to the present. 'I need to think about things. I need to see Jacob.'

I felt him nod beside me. 'Okay. If you need to talk, you know you can come to me. I'll try and be unbiased.'

There was no humour in his voice, and I knew he was completely serious. How would it be to go to him and discuss with him how torn I was at the moment? The hardest thing was that I knew he'd listen and take in every word, and give me his honest opinion without taking into consideration his own feelings.

The remaining hour of our flight went way too quickly. I continued fiddling with my fingers in my lap until he put his hand over them to keep them still, smiling, and I fiddled with his fingers instead, grinning playfully up at him. He rolled his eyes at me as I stroked his fingers and the back of his hand, then jumped slightly when I pinched his palm. He tried to pull his hand away but I held it tightly, and he gave up after only a short struggle. Eventually I stopped playing with it and just sat with his arm around me and my hand holding his. Pressing my face against his chest, I breathed in deeply to inhale his scent. I never wanted this moment to end.

As the pilot announced that we were beginning our descent I felt Edward's arm tighten around me, and he let go of my hand to wrap his other arm around me, pressing his lips against the top of my head. 'All I want to do is get straight on another plane the second we land,' he said softly, 'just so I can have a few more hours with you.'

'We have a few more hours,' I told him. 'I don't start work until five.'

He sighed. 'More hours alone, Bella. I want you all to myself a little longer. You know Alice won't let you out of her sight until you start work.'

It wasn't until then that I realised just how hard it was going to be once we landed. I didn't know what I wanted from Edward, and what I wanted for myself, but I knew that I didn't want to let go of the high that I was on right now. I didn't want to go back to everyday life, where I'd live through my hectic days and do "nothing ordinary". With Edward I didn't feel ordinary, I felt special – I felt like I was worth it. The way he looked at me made me feel like I was amazing, and I didn't want to go back to adequate. He couldn't look at me unguardedly around others, especially people as perceptive as those we knew. Especially when he was living with Alice. He wouldn't be able to put his arms around me and just hold me when we were around others, and even if it was just a friendly gesture my mind would work it up into something more and I'd begin to feel horrible.

I wouldn't be able to go to him if something was wrong, because he _shouldn't_ be the person I would want to go to. But that wasn't right – why should I feel bad for wanting to confide in someone who I had shared so much with? Granted, he hadn't been there when I fell pregnant with Amy, or when she was born, or even the devastating months after. He hadn't shared my sad memories of Amy, and he hadn't been there to help me through that, like Alice, Rosalie and Esme, and unknowingly Jacob. But he'd been there when I'd been scared of hating her, and when I'd faced that fear and wondered how I could have ever even considered such a thing. He'd shared my happy memories of Amy, and when I thought of her now I knew it'd be those things that came to mind.

He'd shared that with me, and that wouldn't count for nothing. Even in a normal situation that would be enough to make me want to share other things with him. If Jacob knew about Amy that would be a reasonable excuse to see him, right?

But then if Jacob knew about Amy he would be the one on this plane with me right now, and I wouldn't be forcing myself through these ramblings anyway.

I didn't want to go back to real life. I didn't want to pretend that nothing had happened because no matter which way we went from here I wouldn't be able to ignore this weekend. I couldn't forget yesterday, or this morning. _Don't think._ I didn't want to fake a smile and pretend everything was okay.

Desperate to hold onto his moment, I welcomed Edward's tighter grip and pressed myself closer to him, moving my arm to wrap around his waist. I felt his lips against my head again and pulled back enough to look up at him. There was so much unspoken pain in them that I wanted to close my eyes or turn my head away so that I couldn't see it, but I couldn't look away. One of his hands came up and gently brushed at my cheek, wiping away a tear that I hadn't known was there. 'It'll be okay,' he whispered, but he didn't really look like he believed it.

His hand moved to the back of my neck and tilted my head up slightly more. As he began to lean forward slightly I finally let my eyes closed and leant into him. _One more kiss… It can't hurt now, surely._

As his lips pressed softly against mine I memorised the feeling, knowing full well that this could be the last time I kissed him. It _should_ be the last time I kissed him, if I had any morals to speak of, but then if I had any morals I wouldn't be kissing him in the first place. I pushed that offending thought away and moved my hands up to hold onto his neck, throwing myself into the kiss.

He pulled back just far enough to break our kiss, and we drew breath in sync. 'Bella,' he whispered, and I opened my eyes to see him staring at me intently. Murmuring my name once more he kissed me again, holding my face to his with one hand at the back of my head, while the other was resting on my waist. My fingers tangled in his hair as I tried to pull him closer.

Realising that the dizzy feeling in my mind meant that I was lacking oxygen, I reluctantly pulled away and rested my head back on his chest, listening with delight to the increased rate of his heartbeats. One of his hands settled on my waist while the other played with my hair, running his hands through it. I just sat there trying to control my breathing.

When the plane jerked to a landing Edward wrapped both of his arms around me tightly again, and didn't let go once we'd stopped. As people began to move about around us, getting up and getting their things out of the overheads, I twisted a little so that I could see his face while still resting in his arms. His eyes were closed.

'Give me a moment,' he told me. 'I don't want to shuffle through the crowd.'

Whether that was his real reason or whether it was an excuse for staying close to me for longer, I gratefully accepted his request and waited until the aisles in the plane were almost empty before his arms slackened around me. 'All right,' he said. 'We should go.'

Reluctantly, I got to my feet and took my carry on bag as Edward handed it down to me from the overhead compartment. His hand remained on my hip as we walked down the aisle but the moment we came out onto the stairs it dropped, and my skin felt cold from the sudden lack of contact.

I knew I wouldn't be able to see Alice or anyone who had come with her until we were inside, but there was every chance that they would be able to see us, and they'd be watching us as we descended the stairs onto the tarmac. I sighed, knowing that this was going to be the first of many awkward situations.

God forbid having them in the same room.

As predicted, Alice was waiting in the arrivals lounge, practically bouncing in her seat from excitement as she waited for us to arrive. We saw her before she saw us, and Edward rolled his eyes at me at the sight of her. We shared a grin before looking back to her and making our way over to her.

When she saw us she jumped to her feet and ran right over, darting around several families and couples. She bounded into me and I almost dropped my bag from the force of her hug. 'Oh, Bella! How are you, how was it, how was she? Did you see much of Phoenix? How were Rebecca and Peter, was lunch nice? What did you talk about? How –'

'Don't you think you should wait a moment before you start the interrogation and just say "hi"?' Edward asked jokingly.

Alice pulled away and stuck her tongue out at him. 'This was a big weekend for my Bella. Let me be excited.'

Oh, if only she knew.

Alice was alone in the airport but had Jasper driving around outside because they didn't want to pay for the car park. We grabbed our luggage – which would have been quicker if Edward hadn't been so insistent on carrying both his and my suitcases, or if I'd given in and agreed earlier – and waited out the front as Alice called Jasper to let him know to pick us up.

I was almost hoping that Alice would be in one of her happy moods and sit in the back with me so that we could get straight into the details of the weekend, but she'd organised with Rosalie and Esme to meet up with us for lunch during Rosalie's lunchbreak, and I'd have to wait until then to spill the goss. This was all explained as she slid into the front seat, leaving Edward no choice but to sit in the back with me. The only reason that this was a problem was because it wasn't a problem – I needed to stop feeling elated at the slightest chance of time with him. There wasn't even anything private about the back of Jaspers car. Just the knowledge that if neither he nor Alice were looking back or in the mirror, I could reach over and just grasp his hand in mine…

Clasping my hands tightly in my lap, I kept my gaze firmly out the window. I could have sworn I felt someone's eyes on me, but I forced myself not to turn around, just in case.

**AN: How is it possible that I love Rob even more with every passing day. Even after hearing him do really bad impersonations of Kristen. Lol.**

**Total coincidence, by the way, that Edward was telling Bella "don't think", since Rob's song is Never Think. Which I just downloaded the proper version of, since I just found out that the soundtrack doesn't come out here until Nov 22. Oh wait, that's after you get the movie! Oh! Oh! I hate you all! (I don't really, I'm just insanely jealous)**

**I was thinking the other day how little I really know about all the people that read this, and all the people who's stories I read. I was thinking about this story that I really love but hasn't been updated in months, and the thought occurred to me that none of my friends know who I am on here. If something serious happened to me and I couldn't update, would you hate me without realising something bad had happened? It's a bit freaky to think about, hey!**

**Cause I think it'd be cool, when you review (cause I know you will) you should tell me something completely random about yourself. What you're doing, what your name is, how many pets you have, your deepest darkest secret, anything. Just thought it'd be funny lol.**


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Yay for Playing Doctor being updated! But boo for the cliffy!**

**I know we all love some dark BxE drama, but I was in too good a mood to make this chapter as moody as some of the others. And I was feeling like I'd been missing out on a few characters, especially Rosalie since she's a really good friend of Bella's.**

**And I know I promised some Jacob in this chapter, but then I realised that he'd be at work by the time Bella got home, so she won't see him until that night, which'll be next chapter. He is in this chapter but what I was talking about is a scene from Bella's POV, which you'll get next time. Hopefully haha.**

**Someone described this as heart wrenching, and I really hope that it's coming across as intense as I want it to be. **

**Disclaimer: Steph owns Twilight.**

**Chapter Twenty: Green Eyed**

BPOV

Jasper drove us to my apartment first and the three of them followed me inside. Alice led Jasper and Edward to the couch in the lounge room. 'You have precisely five minutes to get out of those trackies and into something nice for lunch before I come in there,' she called to me, flicking on the television as I made my way into my bedroom.

I dumped my bag on the bed, determined to unpack later, and pulled out a clean pair of jeans and a nice top. Without bothering to do anything more with my hair than just running a brush through it a few times, I went back into the lounge room. 'Ready,' I said, grabbing a handbag.

Alice looked up at me and sighed. 'You'll do,' she said helplessly, making Jasper laugh and Edward roll his eyes. I made sure to focus on nothing as I led them outside and locked the apartment door behind me.

After dropping Edward at Alice's apartment and picking Esme up, Jasper dropped us off at a café on his way home. Alice kissed him goodbye before he drove off, then ran to catch up with us, beaming from ear to ear. 'So when's the wedding?' I joked.

'Don't be silly,' she laughed, but I saw her eyes dancing.

Rosalie arrived with perfect timing, walking through the door just as we were being shown to our table. She sat down between Alice and I, her smile rivalling Alice's. 'All right, what's up?' I asked her, knowing she wouldn't appear so happy with no reason.

She shook her head. 'Nope, nu-huh. You've just come back from a massive crazy weekend and I want to hear all about that first.'

I rolled my eyes at her. 'Rose, you're going to be distracting me and everyone else if you're looking like that the whole time. You spill, then I'll tell you about my weekend.'

Rosalie looked between the three of us, then let out a little squeal. I glanced worriedly at Alice – this behaviour was more like her than our elegant, graceful Rose. Holding out her hand, I caught sight of a sparkle before it was snatched up by Alice.

'No way,' Alice muttered.

'Yes way!' Rosalie said, bouncing a little in her seat. 'He asked me last night.' My suspicions were confirmed when she took her hand back to show me and Esme and I saw the diamond glittering on her finger.

'Tell me every detail,' Alice said slowly, emphasising each word.

Rosalie snickered. 'Well I _could_ tell you every detail Alice, but since he's your brother I'm not sure you would like it –'

'Get on with it!' Alice practically shouted. Esme and I exchanged a grin, and I rolled my eyes.

'Well,' Rosalie began, 'he said he wanted to take me out for dinner, and I just assumed that we'd be going out for pizza or burgers or something, but then he rocked up at my house in a suit! And there I was wearing jeans and a tank! He told me to go and get changed into something "nice". I knew something was up, and I could barely dress myself, my hands were shaking so much.'

I glanced over at Alice and saw she was soaking in every detail. Fair enough, it was so much more like Emmett to take a girl out for pizza than to a nice restaurant, and I could only imagine Rosalie's dilemma when she realised she'd only have a few minutes to change her entire look.

Rosalie continued her story with a sense of wonder in her voice. 'He took me to Summerton's; you know that really nice new place? Dinner was perfect, and then they had this little space for dancing and some nice music playing, and he asked me to dance… Did you guys know he could dance, cause I had no idea! The whole night was just so perfect. And then when we got home there were candles everywhere and he took my to the lounge room, and the couch was scattered with rose petals.' Her eyes were glistening a little with the memory. 'He started telling me about how much he loved me and loved spending time with me, how he'd do anything for me. He said he could picture little mini Emmetts running around the house, and he hadn't even considered that with any other girl. Then he got down on one knee and asked me to make him the happiest man alive.'

The three of us sat in a shocked silence for a moment after Rosalie finished telling us what had happened last night. _Emmett_ had done those things, and said those things?

Alice voiced our doubts for us. 'Rose, are you sure that Emmett doesn't have a long lost twin? He's never romantic.'

She sighed happily. 'I know. I couldn't stop crying and he thought I didn't want him, and then I was laughing at how upset he looked and he was really confused. And for Alice's and Esme's sake, that's where the story ends,' she added with a grin.

I scooted closer to her and hugged her tightly. 'I'm so happy for you, Rose!' I said, and I was. Emmett was a great guy, and one of the first to look at one of my closest friends and see something more than her looks. They were perfect together, and Emmett had finally got the guts to do what I knew he'd been planning for months.

'Okay so Bella, over to you.'

I thought over the past weekend and thought about how perfect it had been for me, too. The only flaw had been the knowledge that there was a home to go to. I told them about Saturday in much more detail than I needed to, just to draw it out and frustrate them. When I started describing the pattern on the wallpaper in the hotel room Rosalie finally snapped and threatened that if I didn't get on to the good bit then I'd have her stiletto down my throat. I laughed and hurried on to Sunday.

I told them about Rebecca and Peter, and described Amy to them. I couldn't seem to find enough words to tell them just how amazing my daughter was, but from the wonder in their eyes I think they had a bit of an idea.

'And how was Edward?' Esme asked carefully. 'Did the two of you… get on okay?'

I knew what she was asking and I almost could have laughed at the irony of it. How could any of them expect anything out of the ordinary when they knew how wary I was around men? 'Edward was incredible,' I told them. 'I was so nervous about meeting Amy and he just talked me through it. He seemed to get how big a deal it was for me.'

Rosalie and Esme nodded in understanding, obviously buying that there was nothing more to it than there seemed. A strange expression crossed Alice's face, however, as she watched me maybe a little too carefully. I remembered our conversation about Edward from before I went to Phoenix and knew that if there were anyone that we might have trouble with, it would be her.

I bid them goodbye just after two, saying that I needed to get home and get a few things done before I went to work. I instantly knew my mistake as I saw the panic cross all three of their faces, but how was I meant to correct them? I hadn't harmed myself in nearly a week and I didn't feel the urge to now, but that didn't mean that I didn't need some time alone to think through my problems. I couldn't really just come out and say "Sorry guys, I didn't mean that I'm going to go and cut my thighs open, I just need some time to think." Therefore when I left the café it was with a heavier heart than I should have had.

* * *

EPOV

'How much longer are they going to be?' I asked the guys around me, dreading the answer.

Carlisle, Jasper and I were waiting in Alice's lounge room, waiting for the girls to get ready. We were meeting Emmett and Rosalie at the Nine's at eight for celebratory drinks. In Chicago I didn't really go out with Esme on a "dress up" occasion, and the girls I'd taken out were usually ready by the time I picked them up. Alice and Esme had been out of sight for an hour already.

'Esme usually doesn't take this long,' Carlisle muttered.

Jasper laughed. 'Alice must be getting to her. She shouldn't be too much longer, I don't think. Standing up from his seat with us on the couch, he walked over to Alice's bedroom and knocked on the door. 'Honey? You do know that it's just the Nine's, right? I'm sure Bella and Angela are going to love you however you look.'

There was muffled shouting from the other side of the door; the only discernable words being "shut up Jasper" and "I won't be much longer". I rolled my eyes, leaning back in my seat.

'This is why I don't live with women,' I told them.

'Hear, hear!' Jasper joked.

Ten minutes of waiting later, we were walking down the road to the Nine's. I hadn't noticed before, but suddenly I was very aware of the fact that I walked alone with two couples. That was fixed all too soon, however, and I was left wishing that I was alone again.

'Hey Alice, guys! Wait up!'

The five of us turned in unison and watched as someone jogged up to meet us. I recognised his dark skin and long hair immediately: Jacob. I turned my head away, trying not to think off all the things I wanted to think about.

'Jake! I didn't know you were coming.' Alice stepped forward to meet him and gave him a quick hug before returning to Jasper's side.

He shrugged and together we resumed walking toward the bar. 'Yeah, well, Emmett gave me a call about half an hour ago and asked if I wanted to join you guys. Apparently he popped the question last night and we're celebrating?'

Jacob moved up to me and clapped me on the shoulder. 'Hey, man. How're you going?'

I forced myself to ignore the wave of jealousy coursing through me and respond. 'Yeah, I'm great,' I managed. 'How are you?'

'I'm doing okay,' he said. 'I've missed Bella this past weekend though. Did you see her at Alice's before she had to go to work?'

_Yeah, and then some._ 'I went with Alice to pick her up from the airport,' I lied. 'I didn't see her for too long, though, the girls went out for lunch not long after she got in.'

'Did she seem okay?' he asked, and I hated and loved the concern in his voice. 'I was pretty worried about her all weekend and I didn't hear from her that much. I know she was staying with a friend but I can't help but think the worst.'

I was starting to feel sick, mostly with jealousy but with a little guilt as well. 'She seemed fine. She said she had a great time.'

'Well that's good then,' Jacob said. I nodded curtly in response but didn't say anything.

A few minutes later we were at the pub. Walking inside, I didn't stop my eyes immediately going to the bar where I knew Bella would be. She was leaning with one elbow propped up on the bar, chatting happily to one of the other workers. The girl's eyes fell on us and she said something that made Bella turn her head to see us. Her face lit up as she grinned widely, but then it seemed to freeze and slip a little. I noticed her eyes were flickering between me and Jacob. Who had she smiled for? What had made it drop? Was she excited to see Jacob and then upset when she saw me? Or could it possibly be the other way around? Who was it? Who, who, _who?_

Realising that the others had started making their way over to a booth at the edge of the building, I shook off my unsettlingly obsessive thoughts and forced myself to follow them. I found that I felt angry with Jacob for coming with us instead of heading over to the bar to see Bella first. _What the hell are you doing?_ I asked him silently. _If she was mine and I hadn't seen her for three days I'd be over there in a flash. Hell, if she were mine, I'd be over there if I'd seen her five minutes ago._

A minute later Jacob got up from his seat saying he'd get drinks for us all, and I reluctantly admitted to myself that I was just looking for reasons to not like him. I made myself keep my eyes on the people that I was sitting with so that I wouldn't be analysing every action Bella made whilst talking to Jacob. Her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend, whom she lived with. But she couldn't love him that much, right, if she'd kissed me? I closed my eyes as I pictured Bella naked and writhing in pleasure, but instead of seeing Jacob like I knew I should, it was me that she lay under. I knew she said that she felt more comfortable around me than him, but I knew there wasn't a chance that they hadn't been together. There was no possibility that he could live with her, sleep in the same bed as her, and not love her like I wanted to, especially since he didn't know the reasoning for her fears. How long had it taken her to overcome that fear for him?

Would she ever overcome it for me?

Against my better judgement, I looked up to the bar and watched Bella talking to Jacob. He was leaning on the bar talking to her as she filled his order. As she was placing the beers up onto the bar for him to take, her eyes flickered over to our table and caught mine. I held her gaze, wishing more than anything that I had the right to just get up and walk over to her, taking her into my arms. She smiled at me slightly, but it seemed sad. I didn't know whether to be happy that she was looking at me while talking to Jacob, or upset that she wasn't smiling as completely as she always should be. I tore my eyes away and stared glumly at the table.

I just needed to… be around her. To hear her voice, hear her laugh, see her eyes as she smiled properly. I sighed.

'I'm going to help Jacob with those drinks,' I said, grasping onto the first excuse to be near her that came to me. No one questioned me as I stood up and made my way over to the bar. I couldn't miss the bigger smile that flashed across Bella's face as she noticed me walking over, even if it was quickly suppressed with a subtler one as she quickly turned her eyes back to Jacob. Once I was closer she looked at me more deliberately. I silently applauded her effort as Jacob turned to look at me. 'Hey, man,' he said.

'Just thought I'd give you a hand with the drinks,' I said, carefully keeping my eyes anywhere but on Bella.

'Yeah, sure thing,' he said, taking three of the glasses between his two hands. 'You should come sit with us for a while, Bella,' he said before heading back to the table.

Once he was gone I let myself turn and look at Bella fully again. 'How was your lunch with the girls today?' I asked, looking for a reason to make her talk so I could hear her voice.

She blushed slightly and lowered her eyes to the glass she was filling. 'It was nice. I'm really happy for Rose and Emmett.'

I nodded in agreement. 'Yeah, me too. You know, you should really come over and sit with us for a while,' I told her. I'd sit through watching her and Jacob being together if it meant that I could watch her for a little.

'Angela needs me here,' she mumbled, putting the last glass up on the bar between us.

I snatched my hand out so that it brushed hers before she could draw it away again, and I felt a strange sense of satisfaction as she cupped her hand with the other and her blush deepened. 'Maybe once it quietens down a little,' I suggested.

She nodded and I headed back over to our table, beers in hand. Emmett and Rosalie were just sitting down as I got back. 'Congratulations, man,' I said, clapping Emmett on the shoulder before smiling up at Rosalie. 'Congratulations, Rosalie.'

'Thanks Edward,' Emmett said. He glanced carefully at Jacob before continuing. 'And thanks for looking after my little sister this weekend.' He put his arm around Alice as he spoke but his head was titled pointedly toward the bar where Bella was serving another customer. Alice had said that Emmett thought of Bella as a little sister almost to the same extent as he did Alice, and I knew he wasn't talking about Alice now.

'No problem,' I said. 'Everything was fine.' I knew that Bella would have told Rosalie about her trip while they were at lunch, and Rosalie would have filled Emmett in on the details once she got home. I wondered how much Bella had told them about us, or if they might have guessed something. A few times through the night I caught Alice watching me carefully, but I knew that if she had anything to say then she's get it out eventually.

It was not long after midnight when Emmett came back from the bar with Bella in tow. 'Only ten minutes,' she was insisting as Emmett pushed her into the booth between Jacob and Carlisle.

'Thirty,' Emmett argued.

'Emmett, no! I have work to do, they're not paying me to sit around and talk to my friends.'

'How about to sit around and _drink_ with your friends?' Alice asked, pushing her drink in front of Bella.

Bella laughed, and my mood instantly lightened slightly. 'Don't be ridiculous, Alice. I'll sit here and talk for fifteen minutes and then I have to go back to work.'

I looked away as Jacob's arm wrapped around Bella's neck and he pulled her to him so that he could kiss her. I had been wrong, earlier. Being able to watch her was not a big enough incentive to have to watch them together.

**AN: Awww poor Edward.**

**I was a little sad to see that I only got half the reviews for last chapter compared to the one before. I can't make them kiss for the first time every chapter guys! I thrive on your support and although I'm gonna keep writing it anyway despite your feedback, it's gonna be so much better and so much quicker if you let me know what you're thinking.**

**I might not be updating much this week cause I've got my final exams for school, but then I'm done forever and can write to my hearts content. I have, however, written down a few awesome ideas for where this is going, one of which you're going to hate me for but I think is awesome. Mwahahaha.**


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